I have had second thoughts about posting this or not, I've read it at least a half dozen times questioning if I should hit "post."
I don't even know where to start because the history my mom and I have is so toxic. Our current situation is wholly unhealthy because DH and I are currently living with MOO. We have two DD, the oldest is severely disabled and requires constant care (and nursing care as well). I am a SAHM and my DH is currently in school but has been looking for work for over a year. My MOO has been helping us out because she has the money and means to do so, and because she has been so depressed since my father passed away 3+ years ago. She was so excited at moving us in to help with caring for ODD. (She does help but on her own terms and in her own way, which means I can't actually rely on her for help).
My MOO has always been a difficult personality. She deals with ADHD and depression, and I do worry she may be getting a bit of dementia or having strokes because of some health issues she's had. She is like a tornado of emotional energy that comes in and makes a mess of everything and then leaves everyone else to deal with the mess. Lately she has been depressed and makes PA comments insinuating that I am supposed to fix it for her. She wants me to go out with her on the spur of the moment, which I can't do because I am taking care of my kids. (Side note: my oldest is on a ventilator and half a dozen other pieces of equipment so just packing up to go out for a quick bite to eat doesn't work). When I decline to go out with her, she gets all hurt and says I hate her, and starts feeling sorry for herself.
She recently volunteered me (never asking) to help her figure out how to trade stocks on the Internet - something I have never done - but wants me to spend hours a day figuring it out so I can teach her. I tell her my kids are my first priority and I will help her when I can but she gets mad at me that I haven't given this more priority. She says ultimately she wants to help us and the family with the money she makes (and yes she uses money to buy people's love and loyalty).
A few days ago she tells me she is lonely, so I suggest she start dating. She was horrified and says that isn't what she meant, but she wants friends and family in her life. I tell her there are plenty of family and friends who go out with her (she goes out to dinner with friends nearly every single night) and to just call them up. She then complains that she shouldn't have to always be the one to make the effort, and that they should call her up once in a while. I simply said, I can't help you mom, and she goes off and starts feeling sorry for herself that I won't keep her entertained while caring for my girls.
It finally struck me today that my mom thinks I am her pet after I basically ignored my kids all morning long to figure out a question she had on the trading stuff. She offered me some chocolate she bought if I gave her a smile and told her I loved her. I already felt like a shitty mom after Ignoring my kids and leaving them with the nurse all day long, so needless to say I was in no mood to play her stupid game where she treats me like a dog and asks me to sit up and beg for a treat, and I simply said no thanks. It struck me, though, with her comment thatvshe thinks that with all her help (financial and otherwise) that she expects me to keep her happy and entertained whenever she wants.
Now I am just pissed. I do realize that so much of this I have allowed by moving back in with her, but at the time it was really the only option we had. We were in such a vulnerable position financially and with our ODD.
I want to fix this and get out of her house, but it will likely be at least 6 months before we could even think about it, and that is IF my DH can get a job that will be flexible with him about taking days off to help care for ODD when we don't have nursing. Every time one of the nurses calls in or quits, he has to fill in and stay up all night long caring for her.
My DH has a very hard time keeping his mouth shut with my Mom, which leads to even more conflict and hurt feelings. My mom actually hit him one night because of a stupid argument that he didn't want to hear about and told her he didn't give a fuck.
I need your wise help and advise DWIL. I am so ashamed things have gotten to this point and I have no idea how to fix it.
I don't even know where to start because the history my mom and I have is so toxic. Our current situation is wholly unhealthy because DH and I are currently living with MOO. We have two DD, the oldest is severely disabled and requires constant care (and nursing care as well). I am a SAHM and my DH is currently in school but has been looking for work for over a year. My MOO has been helping us out because she has the money and means to do so, and because she has been so depressed since my father passed away 3+ years ago. She was so excited at moving us in to help with caring for ODD. (She does help but on her own terms and in her own way, which means I can't actually rely on her for help).
My MOO has always been a difficult personality. She deals with ADHD and depression, and I do worry she may be getting a bit of dementia or having strokes because of some health issues she's had. She is like a tornado of emotional energy that comes in and makes a mess of everything and then leaves everyone else to deal with the mess. Lately she has been depressed and makes PA comments insinuating that I am supposed to fix it for her. She wants me to go out with her on the spur of the moment, which I can't do because I am taking care of my kids. (Side note: my oldest is on a ventilator and half a dozen other pieces of equipment so just packing up to go out for a quick bite to eat doesn't work). When I decline to go out with her, she gets all hurt and says I hate her, and starts feeling sorry for herself.
She recently volunteered me (never asking) to help her figure out how to trade stocks on the Internet - something I have never done - but wants me to spend hours a day figuring it out so I can teach her. I tell her my kids are my first priority and I will help her when I can but she gets mad at me that I haven't given this more priority. She says ultimately she wants to help us and the family with the money she makes (and yes she uses money to buy people's love and loyalty).
A few days ago she tells me she is lonely, so I suggest she start dating. She was horrified and says that isn't what she meant, but she wants friends and family in her life. I tell her there are plenty of family and friends who go out with her (she goes out to dinner with friends nearly every single night) and to just call them up. She then complains that she shouldn't have to always be the one to make the effort, and that they should call her up once in a while. I simply said, I can't help you mom, and she goes off and starts feeling sorry for herself that I won't keep her entertained while caring for my girls.
It finally struck me today that my mom thinks I am her pet after I basically ignored my kids all morning long to figure out a question she had on the trading stuff. She offered me some chocolate she bought if I gave her a smile and told her I loved her. I already felt like a shitty mom after Ignoring my kids and leaving them with the nurse all day long, so needless to say I was in no mood to play her stupid game where she treats me like a dog and asks me to sit up and beg for a treat, and I simply said no thanks. It struck me, though, with her comment thatvshe thinks that with all her help (financial and otherwise) that she expects me to keep her happy and entertained whenever she wants.
Now I am just pissed. I do realize that so much of this I have allowed by moving back in with her, but at the time it was really the only option we had. We were in such a vulnerable position financially and with our ODD.
I want to fix this and get out of her house, but it will likely be at least 6 months before we could even think about it, and that is IF my DH can get a job that will be flexible with him about taking days off to help care for ODD when we don't have nursing. Every time one of the nurses calls in or quits, he has to fill in and stay up all night long caring for her.
My DH has a very hard time keeping his mouth shut with my Mom, which leads to even more conflict and hurt feelings. My mom actually hit him one night because of a stupid argument that he didn't want to hear about and told her he didn't give a fuck.
I need your wise help and advise DWIL. I am so ashamed things have gotten to this point and I have no idea how to fix it.
