This is my first time posting here, but I'm a long time lurker.
For some brief background, my step-FIL has been emotionally abusive for as long as he has been in DH's life. The abuse included many things, including making threats on DH's and his siblings' lives sometimes when he was angry. They lived in constant fear of him, and even now as adults they feel the need to hide from him when he is angry if they are visiting his house. I think therapy/counseling would be really beneficial, but that's another story.
Recently, it became clear that SFIL hates me because I was the first one willing to finally stand up to his abuse. He has lied about me in front of my face and to others, and in short, I have absolutely no desire to be around him.
It took DH a long time to realize that the way his step-dad has treated him and his siblings is abusive, but his eyes have finally started to open during the past several months. Thankfully, as his eyes continue to open, he really doesn't want to be around SFIL either.
Since SFIL never really cared about DH and I know for a fact that he doesn't like me, I really do not want our new [and first] LO to be around him at all. He has only seen her once so far, but seeing him hold her then made my blood boil even though it was only long enough for MIL to take a picture of him holding her.
That said, despite not [justifiably] liking his step-dad, DH dearly love his mom. They have always been close. Unfortunately, MIL is very soft spoken and was raised that even saying anything negative about her husband is wrong, so she quietly enables his abuse. Sometimes based on things she says, I wonder if she even realized it was going on when they were little or if she was just brainwashed enough to think that his behavior was acceptable.
I recently asked DH if he would be ok with us never seeing SFIL since I don't want LO around him, and he said that he would be fine with that if it wasn't for the fact that that would mean never seeing MIL. Since he loves his mom, I can understand where he is coming from.
That said, if MIL is going to enable SFIL's abuse and being around her means being around him, I don't know if I'm even ok with being around her. I thought about maybe suggesting that we allow LO to be around her as long as he isn't around, but I'm not sure how that would work. I can even see him trying to get a lawyer involved if we cut him off from seeing LO, but since he never adopted DH and isn't a blood relative of LO, is that even possible?
So, DWILers, how would you suggest handling this situation? I just want to keep my LO safe from SFIL's unhealthy, toxic, deplorable, abusive behavior, and I wanted to get some opinions here before I brought it up again with DH. Feel free to request more BG if needed.
Thanks in advance!
ETA: We live about 30 minutes from ILs.
For some brief background, my step-FIL has been emotionally abusive for as long as he has been in DH's life. The abuse included many things, including making threats on DH's and his siblings' lives sometimes when he was angry. They lived in constant fear of him, and even now as adults they feel the need to hide from him when he is angry if they are visiting his house. I think therapy/counseling would be really beneficial, but that's another story.
Recently, it became clear that SFIL hates me because I was the first one willing to finally stand up to his abuse. He has lied about me in front of my face and to others, and in short, I have absolutely no desire to be around him.
It took DH a long time to realize that the way his step-dad has treated him and his siblings is abusive, but his eyes have finally started to open during the past several months. Thankfully, as his eyes continue to open, he really doesn't want to be around SFIL either.
Since SFIL never really cared about DH and I know for a fact that he doesn't like me, I really do not want our new [and first] LO to be around him at all. He has only seen her once so far, but seeing him hold her then made my blood boil even though it was only long enough for MIL to take a picture of him holding her.
That said, despite not [justifiably] liking his step-dad, DH dearly love his mom. They have always been close. Unfortunately, MIL is very soft spoken and was raised that even saying anything negative about her husband is wrong, so she quietly enables his abuse. Sometimes based on things she says, I wonder if she even realized it was going on when they were little or if she was just brainwashed enough to think that his behavior was acceptable.
I recently asked DH if he would be ok with us never seeing SFIL since I don't want LO around him, and he said that he would be fine with that if it wasn't for the fact that that would mean never seeing MIL. Since he loves his mom, I can understand where he is coming from.
That said, if MIL is going to enable SFIL's abuse and being around her means being around him, I don't know if I'm even ok with being around her. I thought about maybe suggesting that we allow LO to be around her as long as he isn't around, but I'm not sure how that would work. I can even see him trying to get a lawyer involved if we cut him off from seeing LO, but since he never adopted DH and isn't a blood relative of LO, is that even possible?
So, DWILers, how would you suggest handling this situation? I just want to keep my LO safe from SFIL's unhealthy, toxic, deplorable, abusive behavior, and I wanted to get some opinions here before I brought it up again with DH. Feel free to request more BG if needed.
Thanks in advance!
ETA: We live about 30 minutes from ILs.
