I apologize for the length. My question is, do you think low-contact is an acceptable way to handle these people?
My PIL and SILs have been a problem since we got engaged - the typical pushy and controlling behavior surrounding wedding planning. They were cold toward me and hinted that they were not pleased at his choice of whom to marry.
At the wedding, SIL 1 whispered things about me to her husband and to SIL2 right in front of me while we were having pictures taken. SILs walked right past me to leave the wedding without saying goodbye to me. I wish I could say DuH did nothing about this - rather, he tried hard to pacify them and make sure they were having a nice time! Did nothing on my behalf.
After we were married, there was not much to report. When they'd come to visit or we'd visit them, MIL and SILs would say stuff that seemed PA but I wasn't 100% sure - I'd second-guess myself because they are my BECs after all.
Our first pregnancy - twins - ended in miscarriage. In-laws refused to come to the babies' funeral. DuH maintains that this didn't bother him, but it bothered me and that didn't seem to matter.
When pregnant with DS, I informed DH that depending on how I felt post-birth, I might not want visitors in the hospital. MIL and SILs had a huge effing fit about this - cried, tried to manipulate him, asked him, "Is this coming from you, or only from her? Can you bring the baby out into the hall for us to meet him if she's tired and needs to rest?" trying to turn us against each other and making me feel that I was nothing but an incubator.
Also while pregnant with DS, my husband and I made plans to celebrate mother's day. I know many people don't celebrate until mother's day after the birth, but we do. We felt this was my first mother’s day because I was the mother of the twins we'd lost the previous year and the little boy growing inside of me. Agree, disagree, whatever -- but MIL went off the deep end, sobbing and begging DuH to come spend the day with her because I was not really a mother yet. "I thought this would be the last year I got to have all of my children with me, I didn't think you were going to celebrate with her until next year," etc. SIL1 asked DuH to meet her for lunch, told him it was just for fun, then when he got there started crying about the no-visitors-in-hospital issue and the Mother's Day issue, telling him he was breaking mommy dearest's heart, etc.
DuH made an effort to put his foot down by insisting on seeing his mom the day before Mother's Day and not giving in and seeing her on Mother's Day itself. A weak attempt, but it was something. I wrote to all of them and reiterated my rule about visitors in hospital, explaining that IF we felt up to it, they could come.
After DS was born, they were actually pretty decent with only minor incidents to report. We saw them way too often, though - about once a month. They would try to use him as a photo prop all the time. SIL1 and her husband have more pics of themselves with my son than DuH and I have of us with him. I would take him back saying "I think that's enough pictures now" whenever he would fuss and I got my share of dirty looks from them. DuH never seemed to notice a problem; if I complained to him that they were treating our son like an object, he'd say he didn't think they meant anything by it.
MIL tried to get us to drive 2 hours to their house more often; DuH told her DS cried in the car and we didn't want to do that to him, only did it when we could time it to match his nap. She told us that was foolish, he'd outgrow it, PIL did it to him and he was fine, etc. DH didn't budge about bringing our son but would go solo instead.
We had another miscarriage in Jan. 2015. This time DH was going through severe depression and begged his family to come to the funeral for our little boy to support him. PIL agreed to come, but SILs refused. Both said it "would just be too upsetting" and SIL1 added that she had a party to go to that day, and that only "really religious people" would have a funeral for a child who died before birth. DH yelled at her on the phone, told her that she could make her choice but it would mean that he would not be as close to her anymore as he had been previously. SIL1 went crying to MIL, who called DH to tell him "how dare he upset his pregnant sister" and that a child dying before birth is not a real child, along with any other things. She was yelling so loudly that I could hear from the other room even though the phone was not on speaker. DH went all meek and apologetic on the phone and then left the house,
***TRIGGER WARNING***
saying he wished he was dead. In between making sure he was OK and that he was coming home,
***END TRIGGER***
I called MIL on the phone. I was calm but basically told her she'd been abusive to him on the phone and everywhere she'd gone wrong in that call. She started to argue but I shut her down and she had nothing to say. I found out later that on her end, FIL was agreeing with me in condemning her behavior for getting involved between DH and his sister at all and for the things she said.
When DH safely came home, MIL apologized to him for all of her behavior -- with specificity and without making excuses - and has actually been pretty good ever since that day. When we don't come to her house for a holiday or a birthday, which was previously something to make her go BSC manipulative and whining, she no longer objects. She goes out of her way to compliment me on my appearance, various talents, and parenting. It's laughable. I think she is afraid of me, and I'm perfectly content with that. I know that she has been going to counseling herself, so maybe that is helping too.
DH and I have been to counseling, and he is working hard on erasing the "u" in DuH. He shuts down any hint of manipulation or other inappropriate behavior so far. We are low-contact with them, seeing them once every few months. I've discovered DWIL and am honestly disgusted that I didn't put my foot down much sooner.
Because her behavior has changed so much since Jan. 2015, I believe MIL is trainable. FIL had changed earlier from an enabler during our engagement, to our biggest supporter post-wedding, going against MIL in the past when she's been nasty. He has in the past called DH to tell him that he disagrees with MIL, that DH should put me first and do what's right for his family (me and our kids), etc.
We have DD now, and the in-laws did not repeat any of the offenses they committed when DS was the new baby - argely because SIL1 is a mom now, and they have the golden grandchild living one mile from all of them and are seeing her 6 days a week, all happily enmeshed in each other's lives.
SIL1 has never gotten the smack-down she deserved for not coming to our baby's funeral, because despite what DuH said to her on the phone, he still talks with her and visits with her just as much as with PIL. She has occasionally tried to manipulate him but he has shut it down. I wanted to CO after the miscarriage but didn't insist because his mental health was in such a precarious condition at the time. We went to counseling and the therapist said we could keep them in our lives if they added anything positive. DH feels both SILs do - "they have been pretty good aunts to DS" he said at the time.
SIL2 is the one who has been a recent offender. She takes issue with our boundaries regarding photos online, tries to stir up trouble by whining to DH that the rules are different for my family than they are for his (they're not) and acting like there's some kind of competition. Thanks to reading DWIL and many discussions with and without a therapist, DuH is truly shedding the “u.†He has shut his sisters down every time. If we anticipate an issue with his mother, he has a plan in place every time to shut down anything she tries - luckily, she's behaved herself and he hasn't needed to.
The most recent problem was one month ago when SIL2 texted DH "Are you coming here to see dad for father's day? So excited this is your first double father's day as the dad of two kids!" DH texted her back that he appreciated the good wishes, but this was not his first father's day as the dad of two - he is a dad of five, but three of our kids aren't living. She did not reply and a month has gone by since that text and she has not said a damn thing to him. Because she refused to come to the funerals, this seems like part of a much bigger issue of disrespect and lack of empathy than just forgetting to reply to a text. He plans to wait until she casually speaks to him about anything else before calling her out.
Knowing all of this now (if you read this far), what would you do? DH wants to continue seeing the PIL and SIL1 once every few months until/if they commit any new offenses and then act the way we should have been acting all along - TO or CO as appropriate, firm boundaries, DH shutting down their shit instead of me having to do it, not allowing anyone to disrespect his wife or his children, etc. He doesn't want to do anything about the stuff from the past because he thinks it would be too out of the blue, and he wants to keep them in his life.
I'm OK with this for PIL, I think. It has been a year and a half since we had a problem with MIL.
I think SIL2, at the very least, is a current problem and needs to be extremely low contact.
I keep second-guessing myself.
Are we leaving the door open for our kids to be hurt in any way the way, considering their treatment of me and treatment of DH when he doesn't do their bidding? Is there anything I'm missing here, DWIL Nation? Is low-contact enough?
My own family members are abusive, so I know my normal meter, as you say, is broken. I know I shouldn't have put up with what I did in the past, but don't know if I'm handling things appropriately now. Thank you for your help.
Edited because punctuation pasted poorly.
