There's a TON of background, but I will try to keep it concise. I will gladly clarify.
TL;DR: Drama-stirring MOO wants back after TO. Help me figure out boundaries (if they're possible), how to express them, and if they're even worth the hassle!
I have been a single mom for almost 4 years now, after my former DH (who had been a SAHD) developed a sudden, chronic mental illness. I have two children, and DD was born with Spina Bifida. When fDH went crazy, I tried to find paid childcare, but no place would take DD due to her medical needs, and I was just a mess. My MOO moved in during the weeks (home on weekends) to care for the kids and help me get back my equilibrium. At the time, we had a healthy, adult, peer friendship. When MOO developed her own health challenges 15 months later, I was finally able to find a paid caregiver to come in and care for the kids, and MOO switched to only coming once per week to see the kids and help out. Over time, I picked up the vibe that - for whatever reason - MOO no longer liked me, but the kids loved her, and I appreciated the break from expensive private care. Which brings us to last spring.
DD was facing her ninth surgery, and it was (potentially) a doozy. We were traveling out of state to get the best care, and expecting a hospital stay of at least a week, possibly a month. As we awaited the surgery date, I was watching DD lose precious function and abilities. Two-and-a-half weeks before surgery, MOO was visiting for my birthday and to spend time with the kids, and DD had cold symptoms. I did NOT want surgery to get cancelled, so asked MOO to take her to the pediatrician proactively. It turned out DD had strep throat! After hearing that, I brought older DS to get tested, and he had strep throat, too. I immediately asked for a test on me, and came up negative. Both kids started antibiotics, but the medicine would run out several days before DD's surgery, and I did NOT want her re-infected.
I asked for MOO to get tested in a few days, after hugging and loving on DD for the prior two days. (oh, and my MOO's health problems stemmed from untreated strep infection when she was a kid, just for kicks.) MOO refused. I told her that, if she didn't get tested, she wasn't going to see DD again until after her surgery, to avoid reinfection.
MOO went home, and the shit-fest began. Lengthy e-mails criticizing me in every way possible. That I'm not taking care of the kids' health, overprotecting DD, not taking care of myself, not doing my job well (I'm a teacher), not managing fDH properly, my house is filthy, our food is unhealthy, etc. etc. etc. I black-holed MOO, but asked my sister and brother (who each live 2,000+ miles away) to see if they could talk a little bit of sense into her. I couldn't believe that she was refusing to do this simple thing to protect her granddaughter, that she was risking DD's health, life, and function over her own feeeelings, not to mention MOO's own health as well!
Three days later, I got one non-diatribe e-mail that simply said "I will not be returning to [OP's town] for the foreseeable future. Good luck with [DDs] surgery." *oh, did I mention that she was supposed to be taking care of DS during the week(s) we were in the hospital? Now I had no care for him, too! And had to explain to him why he wasn't going to beloved Grandma's house*
Two days later, I got another longer e-mail, with a "sorry, not sorry" message to it. She got a strep test, but was sure that she got infected with something else because she was forced to sit next to a sick kid in the waiting area (And it was all my fault that her precious perfect health would become tarnished). It rambled with all sorts of bullshit justification for why she turned into a cunt, and obviously still missed the point. I've had better, more genuine apology notes from my 8th graders during detentions.
I still BHd, figured out care for my 8-year old DS with neighbors and friends for the two weeks, and went forward with surgery. The caregiver - and all of those neighbors and friends - volunteered to screen themselves for strep to ensure DDs surgery would happen. My colleagues were unbelievably supportive, as I struggled to focus on my students while juggling the mess at home and distract myself from my fear with the upcoming surgery.
A few days before surgery (which went well, thank goodness, but ended up being a longer recovery than expected), MOO contacted a neighbor-friend of mine, crying on the phone about how much she missed the kids. Neighbor became a momentary flying monkey, until I shared with her the rest of the story. I sent one e-mail that MOO was talking with the wrong person, and that I would contact her only after everything had calmed down and I was ready.
By the time summer vacation came around, I was finding myself enjoying being free of MOO and her stress/drama. And I was still thoroughly pissed at the stunt she pulled in a time where the LAST thing I needed was drama. She left a pile of stuff from her house on my driveway one day (when I was actually home, so super creepy stalker). At one point, she started mailing cards that DS eagerly would open, resuming the "why can't we see grandma" conversations again. I sent one message that she was NOT to send cards, but could contact me via e-mail if it was IMPORTANT. But I still needed space and time.
In August, a beloved great-aunt passed away. I traveled with the kids out of state for the funeral, because it was something I really needed to do. Even though it was her ex's family, she came. I was civil, but did not encourage conversation. It was emotional enough to bury my aunt, and tricky to see my SD again (he was CO over 20 years ago, but I still am very close to most of his side of the family). Cue more e-mails. Classic rugsweeping variety
Most recently, my brother (lives 2,500 miles away) shared that he was maybe planning on being out this way. I haven't seen him since his visit a year ago, and was looking forward to it. He ultimately had his plans change, but not before getting another e-mail from MOO: "Because it's his "vacation" time, I would like his visit to be a happy and relaxing one. I know you do as well. Toward that end we need to resolve our differences prior to his visit. Please let me know what is a good time for you during which we can talk."
So, I'm still BHing (although it's getting harder and harder). I'm not sure whether I'm wanting to CO or just extend the TO for a long, long time. She still gets WAY too much under my skin for me to want to deal with her can of worms. She had become almost my BEC before this, and now my trust in her is shattered. The kids miss her, but I'm in a much better place as a mom without my MOO whispering her crazy-making in my ear.
I've been reading some books ("Positive Confrontation" and "Boundaries" Thanks!!), and lurking here a lot. But I just am not sure what boundaries - if any - could lead to any level of positive relationship. And yet, she's my only geographically close family (other than SD, or fDH's family who all cut me off because they thought I was "mean" to fDH to insist that he get treatment and someplace else to live to protect the kids).
I read the sticky, have BGP on. Not gonna hair flip, but have kids, so it may take me a bit.
ETA (formatting)