Hi, I'm new here, looking for advice.
Background:
I'm in my mid 30s, pregnant with the first grandchild all around. Due in May. Everybody is very excited about the baby.
I've got a brother, whom I have never liked, the reasons are kind of irrelevent, but take my word for it, he's a jerk. He lives in my parents attic with his wife. He and I do not speak. If we run into each other at a family event, we just ignore each other. I have always been the good, easy child.
I'm gay, I have a partner who is female, and I also have a sperm donor, who is a friend of ours, who doesn't live nearby or plan to parent. This post is about my own family though.
The issue: So my mom offered to throw a baby shower. She really, really wanted to do it. Sent out invites already. Then, last week, she sent me a ton of photos of his wedding! I was confused, why does she think I care? I wrote back and said I am happy for her happiness but I hope she doesn't share intimate photos of my life (thinking about the upcoming baby of course). She said she doesn't. Fine. So then I thought to ask, is he going to be at my my baby shower? I said I hope not. She said well of course because he lives there. So then a whole fight ensued about that. She did agree in the end to not have him there but it was after dramaz. I told her that if he is there, she won't see the baby until she understands how strongly I feel about him. She said that she did think about it and decided that I maybe wouldn't care because so many other people will love me because it's my baby shower, but if I really feel SO strongly, she'll make sure he isn't there. Then she offered to go to therapy with me to talk about our feelings! I don't really want to do this.
Then, she started in psychoanalyzing my partner, and we had a fight about that. I kept telling her to stop it, but she apparently couldn't resist. She told me to let her know whether I want to cancel the baby shower, she doesn't care either way. I haven't heard from her in four days. I think she is mad at me. I am definitely still mad at her.
In some ways this is great because now I totally know, I can't have her around me in the first few days postpartum, she doesn't respect me and my partner and my needs nearly enough.
But what should I do about the baby shower? And what do I do next? I can tell you all are very skilled when it comes to familial problems, so advise me, please. I can give more details as needed.