It's our first Christmas after finding DWIL and we're having a hard time. I'll list a brief background with links, if you're brave enough to wade through my stupidity, then ask questions.
Background:
We found DWIL this spring while expecting our third and moving across the country away from a toxic, enmeshed situation with ILs. I asked for help "weaning" our kids from the subclinical narc Grammy (http://community.babycenter.com/post/a56356174/) and we set our first boundary--no visits a week after birth. It went as expected from a narc and controlling jerk (CTJs, DARVO, etc). Sigh. So we'd been doing no contact (me and kids) and a slow fade with flare-ups (DH), and discovered that somehow our three year old was convinced that Grammy was the only on who loved her. Oh, and everyone over there was upset she was moving and the only way they'd be happy was for her to come back.
So yes, DH and I know that they're a door we will NEVER open again regarding the kids.
It's awfully hard on DH. We have a huge box that just arrived for the kids, and rug-sweeping texts asking DH to call on Christmas.
He feels obligated to try, still. He feels....like he's lost his entire extended family. He wonders if we're overreacting, or too harsh. He wonders if they can change, and if we should actually tell them what's wrong instead of just fading away to nothing. It's Christmas and usually we just love the entire mess--this year, he hates it, just hates it. Can't get excited about anything.
Questions:
So, can narcs change? Should he give them a chance to correct? I love the sticky but don't have time to read twenty books, which books/websites/resources do you recommend specifically for this if you only had time for one or two right now?
Also, why does it seem as though the scapegoat is the one who gets "faaaaaaaamily" drilled into them? Why does the scapegoat feel the obligation and family debt more than the golden child?
DH starts working days next week and we'll find a counselor/therapist then, but until then we're just floundering. Thank you for help!