I've been lurking for a few months and have read the sticky. With the birth of our first child a few months ago, DH and I have been re-evaluating our relationships with extended family and setting boundaries. As with most families, we have varying levels of dysfunction, but nothing we can't handle. When it comes to my SIL, however, I am at a loss and was looking for some advice about how to handle it. After seeing her over Christmas, I am fed. up. with the way she treats my brother and my extended family.
Sorry for the length -- I'll try to condense BG as much as possible.
BG: Bro and SIL have been married about 15 years and have three children, 6 and under. The dysfunction in their relationship has been painfully obvious, even before they got married. The llama noms for their wedding would make your head spin, but I'll just say that after the rehearsal dinner (which, as tradition goes in my region, was planned by the groom's parents), SIL wasn't speaking to my mother or me (because she thought the whole thing was tacky), and she wasn't speaking to bro by extension (because he was related to us). We thought they wouldn't get married the next day and had a talk with him that night about backing out after she pitched such a hissy fit, but they went through with it.
SIL is extremely enmeshed with her family, particularly with her mother. Before she married my bro, SIL lived in an apartment paid for by her parents while she got her undergrad and master's degrees. When I say paid for, I don't mean that her parents deposited the money into her account -- they wrote the checks from their account, so SIL never knew how much rent or utilities were. Her mother would shop for her groceries, let herself into SIL's apartment, and put them away. She would also do SIL's laundry, fold it, and put it away. (This is relevant later).
When they got married, SIL worked but kept all "her" money. She insisted that it was bro's job to support her and pay all the bills (except her car, car insurance, and gas), including vacations and lavish gifts for her and her family. My bro is not wealthy. He works a fairly low-paying job. She refused to discuss a budget with him and has no idea, to this day, what their bills are or how much bro makes. Every time he tried to raise the issue, she would cry, then get angry. She is verbally abusive -- lots of screaming and name calling, followed by the silent treatment.
When she got pregnant with twins, she quit work about 5 months into her pregnancy because she had to go on bedrest. Totally understandable and absolutely what she needed to do. At that point, however, she announced that she would never work again. And she hasn't. Once the twins were born, though, she expected them to wear designer clothes, have professional pics made several times a year, do Gymboree classes, etc. etc. Now that they are old enough for activities, they play multiple sports a year through rec league, girl twin takes dance ($$), both take piano and violin (also $$), boy twin does cub scouts. She also expects them to take family vacations two or three times a year (she sometimes goes without him if he can't take off work). This whole routine is now starting with the youngest child.
Bro has worked multiple jobs just to keep his head above water financially, to the point of exhaustion. She "runs" the household by asking him for money for everything on an as-needed basis -- he gives her cash because she would overdraw their account when she had a checkbook. A monthly envelope system met the same fate. At her insistence, he recently got her a CC because she was tired of having to ask for money all the time. In three months, she has spent about $9K on groceries, gas, and "stuff." None of that was Christmas spending. $9K is about 1/3 of his annual take-home pay, by my estimate.
When the twins started kindergarten, SIL told my bro that she was moving back to hometown (an hour or so from where they lived after they got married) so that the kids could attend the same private school she attended. To that end, her parents had purchased a house and paid the tuition ($10K per child per year) -- all without telling bro until after it was done. SIL's parents bought the house under the guise of needing some rental property to diversify their portfolio for retirement. Bro says he went along because he didn't want a divorce and because "she's going to do what she wants to do anyway, and I have no say." He is currently living in SIL's parent's "rental" house with no lease -- SIL's parents pay utilities, too, because no lease means no way to put utilities in his name.
This BG is all stuff I know from my brother and/or my parents.
I have personally observed SIL be verbally abusive to bro by rolling her eyes at everything he says, belittling him, and calling him names ("stupid," "ridiculous," etc.). She contradicts him in front of the children and undermines his parenting. She basically treats him like he's an idiot. When she attends extended family functions with our extended family, she spends as little time as possible there and then flees to her mother's house.
I also have been with him when he gets phone calls from her. Minor infractions (such as forgetting to run an errand or not getting something on the grocery list) will result in her screaming at him and telling him "Go to Hell," and "You're the worst mistake I've ever made." I can hear every word. He takes it, but he's in tears by the end of the call.
This past week, we were visiting for Christmas. She sucked all the oxygen out of the room because she was apparently giving my brother the silent treatment for something. When we watched the kids open their presents, her CBF was visible from space. Lots of loud sighing, like everything her children received was stupid and inappropriate, even though we all bought gifts based on her recommendations. She and the kids were in and out in less than 2 hours, including Christmas dinner and opening presents. It's made my relationship with my nieces and nephews stilted because they feed off her energy. They get really timid and afraid to say anything. When she isn't in the room, however, they're much more open and animated.
My mom also told me that my brother told her in the last week or two that he's just waiting until the youngest is 18 to move out because he doesn't want them to be from a "broken home." Clearly, he's too late for that -- their home is SO broken.
DH and I live about 10 hours away, and this was our last year to travel. We'll be doing extended family Christmas at a separate time (probably T'giving) from here on out so that we can have our own traditions with LO. (And we CANNOT WAIT!) We see bro and SIL 2-3 times a year at most -- always when we travel to the area to see our extended families.
Here's the dilemma I have and why I think this might be a not my circus situation. SIL is completely, superficially kind and thoughtful to me when it comes to tangible things (texts, thank-you cards, etc.). I know the bitchiness is right there, underlying everything she does, but outwardly, I have nothing to complain about. She loaned us some of her daughter's baby clothes and sent a small gift when LO was born. When I text to ask about Christmas or b'day gifts, she's always "super sweet." She occasionally sends pics of the kids playing with something I sent, etc. From the outside, she looks like a great SIL.
For me, though, the last straw was her text after meeting LO over Christmas. She barely glanced at LO for the two hours we saw her, but then she sent me this gushing text about how sweet and cute LO was and how much fun we'll have these first few years. I sent a polite response, but it made me realize that I REALLY don't want her around LO at all. I don't want LO seeing that dynamic between bro and SIL (it's very obvious) and between SIL and the extended family. LO doesn't realize SIL is a dismissive aunt now, but eventually, she will. Also, over the years, I have watched her abuse turn my brother into someone I barely recognize. His posture and demeanor change visibly whenever he's around her -- it's frightening to see. To some extent, I know he volunteers to be the victim, but he seems genuinely afraid of her, and I know he's afraid that she'll take his children away if he divorces her. I don't want LO exposed to that -- to date, we've all just ignore it to help bro keep the peace with SIL (and my parents are doing what they have to do to keep a relationship with the grandchildren). I don't want LO to think that's normal.
So, two questions:
1) I know I can cut ties with SIL without his "permission," but should he get a heads up? I've been polite and friendly to her their whole marriage to keep from rocking the boat and making things harder for him, but having LO has really changed my tolerance for ugly behavior. If I do BH her and do the fade out, she'll eventually catch on and lash out at bro because she has blamed him in the past for "the way your family acts."
2) Aside from a heads up, would it be wise to reach out to Bro? I know now that he's contemplating divorce (eventually), but that's second-hand information. I actually have a legal background and believe he would be better off financially and from a parenting perspective if he was divorced. If I did reach out to him, I would just comment on the tension I observed at Christmas and then ask, "Can I help?" (Related BG: When my sister got a divorce a few years ago, I gave her some preliminary advice on steps to take and found her an attorney. Bro knows this.) We talk every month or two and text occasionally, so we aren't very close, but we have that whole, "Nobody but me can mess with my sibling" thing left over from childhood.
Wow. That was long and didn't even touch some of the specific examples!