I am a long-time comment-er and member, but not really any BG. I apologize for so much BG here for a relatively small issue; I wasn't sure how much was relevant.
I am the older daughter, my younger brother was the GC growing up. The favoritism was very obvious - both of my sets of grandparents separately and privately told me that they knew how hard it was for me, and offered for me to live with them. I don't want to call it emotional abuse when there is so much worse out there, but it was not a good relationship growing up. I do not blame my brother for the situation - what young boy wouldn't enjoy being the favorite?
When I turned 25 or so, my relationship with my parents changed. I just let the anger go, and didn't care about the past. There were certain advantages and strengths I garnered by being self-sufficient so young, especially when I had two bouts of cancer and (later, when married) infertility, IVF, and a stillbirth of my first DD. I see my mom as a good friend, as she sees me - I do not really look at her as a maternal figure. The favoritism of my brother by my mom, at least, has overall ceased because he keeps her at arm's length; this does however often result in her chasing his affection. My dad and bro remain close.
I have a 5.5 year old DD living, and a 16-mo-old DS. My brother's son (DNe) just turned 5, so he and DD are very close in age. We have had many boundary stomps over the years where my parents think they are coparents, but I usually gently envoke boundaries. They are very helpful and are usually our only babysitters outside of daycare (infrequently - I have PTSD about something happening to the babies). The kids love them.
However, there are small inequities between how my kids are treated and DNe. I try not to let them get to me, but I am not okay with it going forward since DD is old enough to notice.
Some examples - my dad stops by to see DNe every single week, but we maybe see him every few weeks. My brother and SIL send DNe to my parents' house overnight a lot (they prefer once a week) - and usually for several days at a time, so they can get time alone. I don't want that for my kids, we enjoy them too much and worked too hard to get them here, but they will come from a whole weekend with DNe and ask to stop by our house on the way home because they "just NEED to see the kids" - and then need to leave with after five minutes. They used to tell each of our families that our child was the favorite, until I shut that down hard. Mom will call and complain to me about bro and SIL abusing their time and sending DNe there too often. I had an email argument about a month ago with Mom where I let her know that I felt like my kids were being put in second. She played the martyr, she just loves everyone so much. I just said finally that their relationship with DNe was their own issue, they could see him whenever and for as long as they want, but that I didn't want my children to see any favoritism.
Last night my parents watched our kids for a couple of hours while we went to NYE dinner with friends. We were very grateful. DS is working on molars and sleeping terrible, so DD didn't have as much fun as she would have liked. Mom asked if they could have DD hang out sometime, possibly at their house. I said that was fine, and that she was also allowed to do an overnight in the future if they all wanted as it had been a long time. She said that they had DNe the next night (now tonight), but asked if she could stay Saturday night after they took him home. I said that would be fine, but I didn't tell DD about the plans because they have cancelled on her too often in the past.
I got a call tonight - due to a flimsy excuse, they will have DNe tomorrow night, as well. They prefer not to have both kids at the same time, but offered to fall on that sword, or provide next weekend as an alternate/preferred option. They still wanted DD to go to a movie with them and DNe, and maybe spend a little time at their house. I said that we had the kids' godparents stopping by in the morning, and would be prioritizing that. I would let them know about afterwards, but would not yet commit to next weekend. I got off the phone and was really angry - what if I had told DD and they had, yet again, changed plans?
I texted both parents to say that I am not angry with what transpired, but that I am putting up a boundary that they are not to talk to my children about any events in advance (they love to pump up stuff to get the kids overexcited). My mom texted back woe is me, I disappoint everyone, but I didn't engage. I just reiterated my stance. More sad face texts, and I just signed off. (I can c/p the texts if you all would like.)
What else can I do here? I don't want to napalm the relationship, as it is overall advantageous for everyone, but I refuse to subject my kids to their favoritism. Any advice would be appreciated - sorry for the novel!
Tl;dr version - my parents are prioritizing my nephew above my kids like they did my brother. Looking for advice on how to set boundaries.
