Hello everyone. I'm a lurker who has been reading posts for the past two months. I've been desperately looking for similar posts to mine and trying to learn techniques from the advice given when dealing with persons who keep overstepping on boundaries. I thought it'll help by attempting them, but my mission always fails. So I thought it be best I post on my own so to get better perspective and guidance by relaying my situation to questions asked.
I am DH's second wife. He has three children from his previous marriage. We have our beautiful DD and are expecting another LO in July. His first marriage failed because he was a workaholic who ignored family issues. They tried to make it work, but eventually threw in the towel.
DH's parents divorced when he was a teenager, so lived his life in two separate countries every summer or holiday. His relationship with MIL was rocky. With FIL, he hates his guts.
Personality of MIL
She comes across as HBIC over her children. She treats people as inferior while expecting them to kiss her ass. Her personality is like a Jekyll and Hyde type because one minute she is calm and communicative with you, the next, she's a raging lunatic who cries down people on their life choices. When I first met her, she wore a veil, but it started to fall off as years went by.
Why am I on DWIL?
I'm friendly with DH's ex wife. We go on vacation together sometimes, our kids play with each other. The one person who hates our family relationship is MIL. Where we live, ex wife lives 20 minutes from us. MIL lives 15 minutes away. Our kids go to the same school as well. It is like a triangle if you look at it. We fulfil our sides, but never attached MIL to be part of it.
So what does MIL do?
She decided to add herself to the equation by baking cupcakes, cookies, brownies and cheesecake which she brought to each of our homes for the kids. If it isn't one of those things, she bought games for the kids. DD is a mini tomboy like her older siblings, so she has a wii and playstation. DH buys her games in moderation because we don't want to spoil her with too much. What does MIL do? She would buy games in excess for DD. They are so much that we had to build a shelf for them.
DH's intervention
He told MIL to hold off on buying too much games for DD. If she buys a game for his other kids, she does not have to buy the same game for DD. He told her the kids can share the same game. He also told her to speak with him first before she wants to buy something for DD. MIL's stance was because she doesn't get to spend as much time with DD or her other grandkids, so only does what makes her happy.
To bury the hatchet, he told her she can spend time with DD but on his terms. He did not tell her how things would be with his other kids because he left the decision to their mother. However, when they would be at our house, he told her she had to follow the same rules as applied when it comes to DD. She complied.
His rules at the time:
- Dinner every Thursday at our house.
- No games would be accepted unless he approved through communication with him first.
- Baked goods would only be accepted when she comes to dinner on Thursday's.
- She can spend Saturday with DD by picking her up from her ballet class, then taking her to an approved place under DH's terms. DD must be back home for 5pm.
- No sleepovers.
She accepted his terms and conditions with no hard feelings.
Remeber how above I said DH's first marriage failed because he was a workaholic? Well we work on that aspect, and he has tried changing his travels. If someone else can go, and he does not have to necessarily go, he forfeits the trip and allows the other person to go. He has changed his work habit from coming home at 7pm to 5 pm. When home, he does not do any work. He incorporates family time.
If he has to be on work projects away, it is left to me being mom and dad to DD.
Things changed with MIL. She felt slighted when we did things with his ex. She would make a big stinker if we traveled. She would ask to join us. We would always say no. This would lead to Jekyll and Hyde MIL. There would be instances where MIL would gossip our life to other family to make us look bad. This was our life for years.
My pregnancy with baby 2
Since revealing we are expecting baby 2, it has led to MIL telling DD shit. She has told her that DH and me would focus more on this baby instead of her. She told DD it happened with her half siblings too because their daddy worked too much, and it led to her half siblings mom focusing on daddy instead of them. She made it seem like DH's ex got more kids to keep him. So DD asked me why were we replacing her with another baby. At first my thought was she didn't understand things. No, she felt she was actually being replaced so her daddy would not leave. MIL told her so.
On her tablet, she talked to MIL who told her they are best friends, and if she ever wanted to talk anythingg, she was there for her. DD talked to her which gave MIL ammo to come to DH and me in a different personality. This created a strike against her, so DH removed the Saturday alone time. He told her she was creating lies to an innocent child. So he took away the tablet. She made it look like DD was the one telling her things freely. DH did not care. He told her if she wanted to communicate with DD, she had to do it over speaker phone with one of us present. She complied.
Christmas 2015
DD loves Christmas and loves decorating the tree, and putting up outside decorations. We allow her the freedom to do it. We had planned to spend Christmas at home with just DH ex wife and his kids over. MIL knew of our plans. Her other kids were flying in to spend Christmas with her and FIL. The second week of December came and BSC started. MIL called asking DH what stuff DD has because she didn't know what to buy her. DH being respectful, told her a list of things DD likes, and wanted. He told her not to be too expensive, and no more than two gifts. She then called backed asking whether we intended to visit her house for Christmas to pick up the gifts. DH told her sure but it would be later in the evening.
BSC MIL
DD had her ballet show, and wanted MIL to show up. MIL told her she would be there to see her performance. MIL never showed up. MIL called two days after apologizing for her no show saying she had gotten invited to something else. DH told her she was a selfish person for breaking DD's heart because he went through shit with her and FIL as a child, and did not want such shit happening to DD. DD held a grudge against MIL. Whenever MIL called to speak to her, DD told her she wasn't forgiven for missing her recital. MIL apologized to her. It led to MIL deciding to drive over to us and speak face to face. DD did not want to speak to her, and we asked her to leave. What did MIL do? She kicked down DD's outside Christmas decorations. Pulled the extension cords apart, threw one of the decorations by the garbage, and left. We did not speak to her after, or did we go to pick up the gifts as planned. The day after Christmas, she came by and threw the gifts for DD on the porch, rang the doorbell, then left. DH decided to keep his cool by ignoring her. He did not want to give her the satisfaction of speaking.
New Year's came and we still hadn't heard from her until the following message popped up on our porch:
" Happy New Year. I am sorry for my temper. I hurt your family and made myself look like a complete fool. I am truly sorry to B, and did not mean to react or hurt her like I did. B if you are reading this, nana is truly sorry for the things she said and did. I have no one to blame but myself. Nana loves you with all her heart. She has loved you from the first time she met you, and still does to this very day. We all have anger problems. I am justo ne of those who can't control theirs. I am sure you get your anger moments when you hate getting grounded or things taken away. It's not a good trait. Don't be like me, B. You need to respect your parents. Whatever problems I have with your dad are between us, not you. I have to respect your parents and whatever they ask of me. We are best friends, always. Nana may not be around much, but she always treasures you in her heart. Be a good girl for me, and show love for your baby brother or sister. Someday things between you and your big brothers may change, and the only people you'll have left are your parents if they are still together, and your little brother or sister."
B reached out to her nana unknowing to us. By doing so, nana wants forgiveness. She wrote another letter.
"If B can try to reach out to me, I think you two can do the same. I know i've failed at being a good mother, but nobody is perfect. When your dad left us, you and your brothers and sisters were all I had. After they moved away, and you were the only one to stay back, I felt broken. In the bible we are taught to forgive. As regualr church goers, please find it in your heart to forgive and work together at being a family who can put aside past differences by forming new relationships. You never got all your anger out on me, and I think it is one of the reasons you block me with certain things. Your anger towards me has led me isolated, and created a bad environment where I don't know how to show compassion or understanding. We are both wrong, and I think if we can go to confession or have talks with Father so and so, that it'll shed a new light over both of us to renew our relationship as mother and son. I love you."
DH responded saying he wants to talk to her. He wants to have her continue to be a part of his life, but until she fulfils her end of the bargain and change, there would always be restrictions when it comes to his wife and children.
I need to untangle myself from this web. I hope to get constructive advice from those who have been there, done that.