I think I'm about to lose my cool and I want to know if I'm doing too much or too little here. It's to do with my FOO - I've had 2 hours sleep after being in hospital and I'm not thinking clearly.
Okay. My 34yo middle sister (MS)does not know how to adult. For ten years I supported her when she lived with me, paying more than my share of rent and bills because she couldn't/didn't want to get a better paying job. I added it up one day to over $14000 (I know I'm a fool). When my husband and I decided to move out last December because her presence was a strain our marriage (she is slightly on the spectrum and lacks boundaries) we gave her three months notice and were greeted with tears and PA behaviour. We had enough and went away for a two week holiday after telling my parents what we'd done. By the time we got back from our holiday she'd scabbed money off my mother and found a place she could just barely afford, abandoning us with a lease and outstanding rent and couldn't understand what our problem was! We decided to accept that as our dumb tax and we thought that must be the end of it. She never paid mum back, even after mum paid off her credit cards for her so she could "start fresh" and mum won't stop complaining.
Fast forward a year and mum is still chasing her for payment and she umms and ahhs and pays nothing. Mum has been swearing she'll never lend her a penny again. Then tonight, just as I get home from the hospital after another pregnancy complication, she rang me in hysterics - I thought my parents had been killed that's how distressed she was! It took me 5mins to calm her down and it was so bad DH was holding me as we prepared for horrible news.
Anyway, it turns out her employer has gone out of business leaving her with three weeks pay outstanding - she has $2.00 to her name. Her rent is five days overdue and all her bills are due. She has no food in the house, and her credit card is maxed out AGAIN. My DH heard it and whispered to me "no WAY are we giving her any money, we are having a baby and building a house, our money is our money." There is no way I'd go against his wishes as I'd be furious if he did the same to me. So we got in the car and drove to collect her from her work where she was stranded with her boxes - she doesn't have a driver's license.
A few points to note about her situation:
- she has complained about her minimum wage for years but in the same breath will refuse to leave her job because she is "happy" - but is also miserable because she is broke. (observe the paradox here)
- She is grossly obese, eats take away non stop, is broke and blames all her unhappiness on her "lack of confidence," "no willpower" and "not having money for the gym" - despite the fact she's had access to a free gym for seven years!
- she believes that as of tonight based on one random conversation she has been promised a new job by the same out of business employer to start next week on the OTHER SIDE of town but has nothing in writing, and it will add an hour to her already long commute and the pay won't be better
- she won't go to Centrelink (Australias unemployment office) and claim benefits and assistance because of this mysterious job offer
- she expects (yes, EXPECTS) that the family will help her out by paying her $1000 worth of rent and bills
- when we tried to talk to her tonight about getting a better job, signing up for unemployment, managing her money better, improving her situation and not expecting the family to come to her rescue all the time, she started crying hysterically and accused us of being unsupportive and attacking her, and we should be gentle because she is "confused." Her definition of support is money.
I am at my WITS END with this girl. She isn't manipulative, she just has no accountability or self awareness and it just inept. The problem is my family enables her behaviour by bailing her out of these messes. She even said if she loses her rental it won't be her fault and she'll need to move in with my parents (who have no room).
Her sense of entitlement is baffling, even my laid back dad is getting frustrated (I can include texts below for science if anyone is interested).
Tonight I'll admit I did get sucked in to helping. I've lent her my laptop to job search, I submitted a government claim for compensation (a scheme for people in her situation), I'm helping her with her resume and I'm driving her to the unemployment office on Tuesday to get unemployment and rent assistance set up as this is a condition of my mum and dad bailing her out. I've convinced her to see a psychologist for counselling. My sister filled her cupboard with groceries, gave her $150 cash and my parents are planning on paying her rent and bills. All of this was sorted out within hours.
What can I do to help my family see that they're enabling her ridiculous behaviour? I would stay out of it but the pressure always comes back on me to contribute because in my dads words "we have to help."
And on top of that she mentioned co-sleeping with my 3yo niece and my newborn (due in January) when she "baby sits." I have no idea where she got the impression I'd be letting her do that! Let alone co-sleeping, WTF?
