Implementing Boundaries - MIL

My MIL/FIL will be coming back to our area this year.  And after being on DWIL as a lurker for years, I've decided I'm finally changing the area's that are wrong in my own life.  My MIL/FIL are an issue for me.  I've quietly handled my own family pretty well and have changed a lot for the better... but my parents in law are tricky because they are not around much and their boundary stomps do not feel as obvious.

TL;DR - MIL bought us a table without asking first.  I've told her in the past that I wanted a very specific kind due to our family size and was going without one on purpose until we build it.  She doesn't listen but she also interjects until she wears somebody down.  She's counting on PA to give us the table.  I think part of it is to be kind but I'm positive it's becasue she things it's ridiculous we don't use a family dining room table.  Husbands sick - stress exacerbates his condition - so it's on me to confront, but he's fine with whatever I choose.

What brings me here today is an EARLY boundary stomp I did not expect.  I get a text this AM (I'll post in comment below) that my MIL has bought my husband and I a dining room table.  To anybody else reading the text it would seem sweet and thoughtful.  But she's visited my home 4 times since we moved here in August and 2 or 3 of those times she's asked me when we're going to get a table.  I told her that when we moved here - it was one of the only things I was going to be adament about.  I want myself or my husband to build the table I want (because we have such a large family) and if I had brought our table that we had prior to the move or if we bought a temporary one - I know it will never get done.  She hates this.  She's very proper.  And I get it... it's not ideal, but I've been clear with her.

Our BG - There is so much I'm seriously going to try and condense it and you can ask questions if you need to.

MIL is a career woman.  She has been her entire life.  I have no issue with this.  However, in our case it pertains because she missed out on A LOT of DH's life because of it and as my MIL and then a Grandma.  Her job is demanding of her time.  She's usually home about a week or two a month and then travels the rest.  She announced her retirement in 2009/2010 so that she could be with her sons/wives and get to know her grandkids.  She technically retired but still consults (which is now back up to full time) and sits on the board of several large national companies.  She built a house in the same state as us to live in part of the year so she could have family time... but fills her time with out of town guests she wants to impress (they live right on the water and have a perfect view of a major city and mountain line.)

MIL's personality is all about appearances.  She wants to impress.  She name drops enough to make you roll your eyes.  She stays in 5 star hotels and eats at 5 star restaurants.  She takes 1 major international vacation a year with FIL and visits us on Holiday's most times.

In the past (since I've met her) I've chased her affection.  I wanted enmeshment with her (I've come to realize) and I wanted her approval.  Years ago after they built their house here... I was tired of constantly terrorizing my family to seem perfect for our visits so that she could "approve" and I just started being myself.  I realized that I did not actually like her very much.  She is so self centered.

I think she'd describe herself as a "mid-west girl" who came from a poor family with no college and "succeeded".  Who loves her family and just wants the world to love each other... but out of her mouth comes eye roll worthy name dropping, prices of everything she owns (much of it expensive), everything she says is meant to impress or garner envy of the person listening to her.  

She tries hard to implement traditions around holiday's or birthday's and it's like she wants this Norman Rockwell looking life and the feeling of a Hallmark movie without putting in any of the work!  She might say she puts in the work - but she's just so shallow... it's all about appearances.

Alright.  Skipping the rest so this does not become a book.

I've noticed SEVERAL things that need addressed between us since being on DWIL.  I plan to do it this year.  I thought I had until April when they came so I've literally been practicing "in the mirror" of these issues.

Things like - she try's to buy the kids affections without spending time with them.  And when she does spend time with them she wants them to love her like she's a 365 day a year grandma and I think that's why she rely's heavily on gifts.  She will include them in traditions when we're over for a Holiday meal or Birthday (She's OBSESSED with carrying on family traditions) and talk about how important it all is.... but honestly she hasn't put the time in to make any of them feel really special.  Yet when my kids leave her I get uncomfortable because they are so excited beceause essentially she's thrown presents at them and given then an intense dose of quality time that they won't get again until she makes time for us.

The boundary stomp I'm dealing with today - I hope I describe it right.  Since she's not around us (and hasn't been) she will send things for Holiday's.  For instance - near Thanksgiving, she's have a prepared Thanksgiving dinner sent to us from a grocery store (like Safeway or Whole Foods - depending on where we lived at the time) without even asking if I had already planned something.  She'll just send a text or e-mail saying, "I bought Thanksgiving dinner for you - it will be ready at this time.  Enjoy.  Love and hugs - mom"

She buy's "Firsts" (like baby's 'firsts'(.  Honestly, I don't care - because I'm not sentimental and truth be told - it doesn't bug me.... but she'll send a "baby's first" ornament (and one each year after) for the kids or a Christmas Stocking for the new baby or if we're taking a picture - she'll dress my girls in clothes she's bought for them instead of what I dress them in.  She tells me ahead of time.  (I don't typically care about that either).... but since coming on here - I see that's a boundary stomp.  What I am finding is that the move I distance myself - the more I am irritated by these things.  

She has an EXTREME habit of asking questions and then asking the SAME question again as if she's forgotten (and I do believe she forgets a lot because she's a terrible listener) but I also think sometimes she'll ask because she wants to confront again and that's a diplomatic way to do it.

She's alllllllllllllllllllllll about diplomacy and peace and love.  I don't know if some of the reason she does it so well is her job?  Her job title and the boards she sits on require a large amount of professionalism and security But I know she comes from a family that fought a lot and she always pleads for people to be peaceful and loving.... to the point where nothing EVER really gets worked out because "we just need to be loving". 

There's so much else.  My husband is the classic scapegoat of the family and his brother in the GC.  My husband is independant, successful, responsible, etc.  He used to be favored until we met and his religious views and political views changed.... then it was all about BIL.  He can barely stand on his own two feet, but they're always "helping" him and he needs "help" and we could be going through something simliar or worse and it's never confronted or if it is rarely supported.  

It comes with a price though.  My BIL feeds into their own enmeshment.  It's only between those two.  She doesn't do this with other people.  They text each other daily, call all the time, spend time all throughout the year.  My MIL is always bailing his family out, etc.  She used to call my husband daily and try and be close to him until he pulled away and became different.   I'm only adding this in to paint a picture, I'm not bitter by it... i see now where my husband and I are the lucky ones not being in that circle with her.

Here's the tricky part.  My DH is very sick right now.  Very.  Stress is something the doctor has told us to avoid.  To be fair... even if he wasn't - he would not want to confront his mom over most of the things I would but will confront her if needed over something he agree's with... but right now - it's not an option to have my have DH deal with this.  Stress literally makes him crawl into bed and is unable to cope with it.

Regarding DH - We've fought about these types of issue with his family before.  He doesn't want to confront - I do.  But right now - it's up to me.  And Iv'e actually made such huge headway explaining things like GC-SG.  Using my own family as an example of how I'm changing to walk away from enmeshment, walking away from my own circumstances of emotional incest, etc.  I've told him I'm not taking his mothers crap either though.  He's really been receptive for the first time ever.  I told him this year I'm changing A,B,C,D.  and asked him what the end game for his parents is.  He wants a LC relationship.  Keep it, LOC, keep it shallow.  We live our lives they live theirs.

So any advice is going to be on me.  I'm choosing to deal with this.  This morning when we got the group text about the table I calmly walked into the room... asked if he saw it... and said I will not accept the table.  I told him I know you can't deal with this so I'm going to do it privately.  He said ok.

Sorry this is SUCH a book.  I really tried to not let it be.