This will probably be lengthy, so I apologize in advance.
Some BG:
DH is the golden child, for sure. SIL gets shit on a lot for her weight, etc. she handles it a lot better than I would.
MIL is bipolar and is medicated, but I don't feel she's ever developed appropriate reactions or coping mechanisms. Last year she bought LO some Christmas pjs for our holiday visit with them. She washed them in a detergent that I'm allergic to (alone, so it was pretty concentrated). When we got home, I took them off LO and had DH set them aside because holding him was making me break out. A few days later, when I went to wash all of our laundry, they were missing. She watched us search for them for about an hour before DH asked if she'd seen them. She said she took them because we "obviously didn't want them". That turned into a huge blow up where she told DH that she "understood that he couldn't side with her anymore because he married me and she forgives him". She told me that I hated her. We wound up being able to make up and salvage the holiday, but I feel like my relationship with her was permanently damaged at that point.
Last spring, our cousins announced their first pregnancy. When they announced they were doing a gender reveal party, MIL had lots to say about them. Mostly gossip about their finances (which she wasn't privy to) and snide remarks about it. When I pointed out to her that we didn't know the reason behind the party (one of the cousins had previously resisted the idea of having children) and that CIL may be using this as a means of getting/staying excited and embracing motherhood, MIL once again lost her shit on me. She told me that she was "sorry I had married into an imperfect family that had flaaaaws". She also told me I hated her (again). SIL tried to console me by saying that MIL says that often when she's upset. It didn't console me, it scared me.
On to the present:
We've recently rented a house in the same town as ILs. Before, we've always lived out of state. MIL had the bright idea to have SIL live in our basement, and this is how the conversation went:
"FIL told me to stay out of this, but I figured I would ask you guys anyway. What if SIL lived in the basement? She could help renovate down there."
"I'm really looking forward to not sharing a kitchen, actually, so I don't think so."
"Well we could add a kitchen down there!"
"That would be really expensive, so I don't think you'd want to pay for that."
*pushes some more*
"Why don't you let us get settled and we'll reevaluate at a later time." (Yes, I realize this was a mistake)
The other day, DH and I are talking about it and that we still don't want SIL living here because we're enjoying our space. It comes up that MIL had sent him a message about this a couple weeks ago (which is a couple weeks after we moved in and I told her no). She pushed him on the topic and told him SIL really wants this but doesn't want to get her feelings hurt (SIL is 25 and doesn't tend to shy away from things she wants) and if he said no that she'd never say another word about it. She also asked him not to mention it to me unless HE thought it was a good idea.
DH didn't respond to her at all. He has an issue with confrontation that stems from his father being angry during most of his childhood, and he realizes he needs to work on it.
I wasn't happy about this and explained to DH that I felt she was being manipulative and exploiting his dislike of confrontation. I also told him that she was trying to make this his idea ("unless YOU think it's a good idea") so that she could get her way and her manipulation would go undetected.
DH (sometimes DuH) is still kind of naive when it comes to his mother. It took a lot of talking, but he did see what she did was wrong and says that he thinks he didn't answer to begin with because he thinks he knew it was wrong of her. So we crafted a text to her and he sent it in a group message to me and her.
This is the text:
In reference to the "secret" text message about SIL living here:
When you're talking to one of us, you're talking to both of us. From now on, when you get an answer from one of us, consider it an answer from both of us, and consider it a final answer. Pushing me on a topic in private when you've already received an answer from OP is not okay. Asking me to not tell her that you've gone behind her back to appeal to me is not okay.
---
Congrats to making it to this point!
She responded with these messages which we BH'd:
I am very sorry to you both
----
I will not trouble you anymore
----
OP did not say no. She said maybe later once we get settled and have some time to ourselves.
I thought you guys were enjoying SIL's company. I thought SIL deserved a place of her own
I wanted your opinion because you know OP's feelings. Also I didnt want SIL's feelings to be hurt.
I thought we were having an adult conversation without hurting anyone. Not keeping secrets.
If you want your independence from being a part of a family with flaws and without having to chastise members I can give you that space. You are an adult and you make your own way. I truly wish you guys the best.
----
I have spent a lifetime supporting your art your dreams thinking I was helping you but I now see that other parents who tell their kids at 18 they're adults I should have followed their lead you haven't respected or cared what we give up to be there for you - financially and emotionally
I gladly give up a car, vacations, even makeup so that you and SIL can have cars and insurance and anything else you ask/need I guess hoping you would be grateful and just be kind, thoughtful, and understanding of a mothers love as well as a mothers shortcomings is just too much to ask for I havent been the best but I havent been the worst. Sorry I have disappointed you and your wife. Im angry sad and hurt.
Like I said, we've BH'd but my question is: Where do we go from here?
DH and I aren't ready to CO, but I've also told him that I'm not willing to compromise on our stance. I've also told him that my trust with her is gone and even IF we all make up anytime soon, I won't want her watching LO by herself anytime soon. He understands, but he still wants a relationship with his family.
Is there any hope?
Some BG:
DH is the golden child, for sure. SIL gets shit on a lot for her weight, etc. she handles it a lot better than I would.
MIL is bipolar and is medicated, but I don't feel she's ever developed appropriate reactions or coping mechanisms. Last year she bought LO some Christmas pjs for our holiday visit with them. She washed them in a detergent that I'm allergic to (alone, so it was pretty concentrated). When we got home, I took them off LO and had DH set them aside because holding him was making me break out. A few days later, when I went to wash all of our laundry, they were missing. She watched us search for them for about an hour before DH asked if she'd seen them. She said she took them because we "obviously didn't want them". That turned into a huge blow up where she told DH that she "understood that he couldn't side with her anymore because he married me and she forgives him". She told me that I hated her. We wound up being able to make up and salvage the holiday, but I feel like my relationship with her was permanently damaged at that point.
Last spring, our cousins announced their first pregnancy. When they announced they were doing a gender reveal party, MIL had lots to say about them. Mostly gossip about their finances (which she wasn't privy to) and snide remarks about it. When I pointed out to her that we didn't know the reason behind the party (one of the cousins had previously resisted the idea of having children) and that CIL may be using this as a means of getting/staying excited and embracing motherhood, MIL once again lost her shit on me. She told me that she was "sorry I had married into an imperfect family that had flaaaaws". She also told me I hated her (again). SIL tried to console me by saying that MIL says that often when she's upset. It didn't console me, it scared me.
On to the present:
We've recently rented a house in the same town as ILs. Before, we've always lived out of state. MIL had the bright idea to have SIL live in our basement, and this is how the conversation went:
"FIL told me to stay out of this, but I figured I would ask you guys anyway. What if SIL lived in the basement? She could help renovate down there."
"I'm really looking forward to not sharing a kitchen, actually, so I don't think so."
"Well we could add a kitchen down there!"
"That would be really expensive, so I don't think you'd want to pay for that."
*pushes some more*
"Why don't you let us get settled and we'll reevaluate at a later time." (Yes, I realize this was a mistake)
The other day, DH and I are talking about it and that we still don't want SIL living here because we're enjoying our space. It comes up that MIL had sent him a message about this a couple weeks ago (which is a couple weeks after we moved in and I told her no). She pushed him on the topic and told him SIL really wants this but doesn't want to get her feelings hurt (SIL is 25 and doesn't tend to shy away from things she wants) and if he said no that she'd never say another word about it. She also asked him not to mention it to me unless HE thought it was a good idea.
DH didn't respond to her at all. He has an issue with confrontation that stems from his father being angry during most of his childhood, and he realizes he needs to work on it.
I wasn't happy about this and explained to DH that I felt she was being manipulative and exploiting his dislike of confrontation. I also told him that she was trying to make this his idea ("unless YOU think it's a good idea") so that she could get her way and her manipulation would go undetected.
DH (sometimes DuH) is still kind of naive when it comes to his mother. It took a lot of talking, but he did see what she did was wrong and says that he thinks he didn't answer to begin with because he thinks he knew it was wrong of her. So we crafted a text to her and he sent it in a group message to me and her.
This is the text:
In reference to the "secret" text message about SIL living here:
When you're talking to one of us, you're talking to both of us. From now on, when you get an answer from one of us, consider it an answer from both of us, and consider it a final answer. Pushing me on a topic in private when you've already received an answer from OP is not okay. Asking me to not tell her that you've gone behind her back to appeal to me is not okay.
---
Congrats to making it to this point!
She responded with these messages which we BH'd:
I am very sorry to you both
----
I will not trouble you anymore
----
OP did not say no. She said maybe later once we get settled and have some time to ourselves.
I thought you guys were enjoying SIL's company. I thought SIL deserved a place of her own
I wanted your opinion because you know OP's feelings. Also I didnt want SIL's feelings to be hurt.
I thought we were having an adult conversation without hurting anyone. Not keeping secrets.
If you want your independence from being a part of a family with flaws and without having to chastise members I can give you that space. You are an adult and you make your own way. I truly wish you guys the best.
----
I have spent a lifetime supporting your art your dreams thinking I was helping you but I now see that other parents who tell their kids at 18 they're adults I should have followed their lead you haven't respected or cared what we give up to be there for you - financially and emotionally
I gladly give up a car, vacations, even makeup so that you and SIL can have cars and insurance and anything else you ask/need I guess hoping you would be grateful and just be kind, thoughtful, and understanding of a mothers love as well as a mothers shortcomings is just too much to ask for I havent been the best but I havent been the worst. Sorry I have disappointed you and your wife. Im angry sad and hurt.
Like I said, we've BH'd but my question is: Where do we go from here?
DH and I aren't ready to CO, but I've also told him that I'm not willing to compromise on our stance. I've also told him that my trust with her is gone and even IF we all make up anytime soon, I won't want her watching LO by herself anytime soon. He understands, but he still wants a relationship with his family.
Is there any hope?
