This is my first post, I’ve read the sticky, and I’ve been a lurker for three years. My DH and I need help moving forward with PIL after an awful phone call. I’ll start with relevant background information:
DH and I have been married for 12yrs and have a 3yr old DD. My MIL is my BEC, our relationship is cordial, but we are not close. I don’t like the way she treats DH – she vents to him, complains about her health issues to him, gossips about others to him, and rarely asks him about himself. She wants his attention, but her negativity pushes him away. He rarely engages with her; he typically tunes her out.
PIL moved across the country five years ago. We see them once or twice a year; visits are friendly but exhausting because of her incessant complaining/negativity. I am comfortable shutting her down if she makes unwelcome comments, and I think she sees me as difficult.
We visited PIL last June with DD and thought we had a decent visit. In October, MIL lost it in a phone call with DH. There were tears, manipulation, and anger as she expressed all the reasons I make her life awful. She said things like:
Trakehner decided to have kids after we moved.
Trakehner doesn’t let me bond with DD.
Trakehner has never put a picture of me and DD on the debil.
Trakehner has rules that don’t allow me the opportunity to be alone with DD.
Trakehner said “see you next summer.”
Trakehner enforced DD’s nap time. We had so many plans while you were here, but couldn’t do anything because DD had to nap.
Trakehner says mean things to me behind DH’s back.
My son should interrupt me when he wants to talk about his life.
Granddaughter will never know me unless Trakehner decides to love me.
Always wanted a daughter – Trakehner and I need to talk and fix our relationship.
I do not want a mother-daughter relationship with this woman. There is more background about how she treated me before I had DD, and this phone call sealed her fate. My DD and I will not visit her, and they are not welcome at our house if they visit our state.
My DH agrees with me, but since the phone call (in October), he hasn’t spoken with them (except for a Christmas text). He feels he needs to have closure to the conversation by saying something to her…but what? He doesn’t want to rehash every horrible comment or defend himself. He wants to tell her something along the lines of “you’ve damaged our relationship because you make everything about yourself and you need counseling.” We don’t want to rug sweep, but has it been too long to bring this up again? Does DH call her? Email her? Or black hole until we hear from her again? Fyi - FIL is firmly on MIL side, and rarely speaks to DH on the phone (MIL is the gatekeeper).
Thank you for reading!
DH and I have been married for 12yrs and have a 3yr old DD. My MIL is my BEC, our relationship is cordial, but we are not close. I don’t like the way she treats DH – she vents to him, complains about her health issues to him, gossips about others to him, and rarely asks him about himself. She wants his attention, but her negativity pushes him away. He rarely engages with her; he typically tunes her out.
PIL moved across the country five years ago. We see them once or twice a year; visits are friendly but exhausting because of her incessant complaining/negativity. I am comfortable shutting her down if she makes unwelcome comments, and I think she sees me as difficult.
We visited PIL last June with DD and thought we had a decent visit. In October, MIL lost it in a phone call with DH. There were tears, manipulation, and anger as she expressed all the reasons I make her life awful. She said things like:
Trakehner decided to have kids after we moved.
Trakehner doesn’t let me bond with DD.
Trakehner has never put a picture of me and DD on the debil.
Trakehner has rules that don’t allow me the opportunity to be alone with DD.
Trakehner said “see you next summer.”
Trakehner enforced DD’s nap time. We had so many plans while you were here, but couldn’t do anything because DD had to nap.
Trakehner says mean things to me behind DH’s back.
My son should interrupt me when he wants to talk about his life.
Granddaughter will never know me unless Trakehner decides to love me.
Always wanted a daughter – Trakehner and I need to talk and fix our relationship.
I do not want a mother-daughter relationship with this woman. There is more background about how she treated me before I had DD, and this phone call sealed her fate. My DD and I will not visit her, and they are not welcome at our house if they visit our state.
My DH agrees with me, but since the phone call (in October), he hasn’t spoken with them (except for a Christmas text). He feels he needs to have closure to the conversation by saying something to her…but what? He doesn’t want to rehash every horrible comment or defend himself. He wants to tell her something along the lines of “you’ve damaged our relationship because you make everything about yourself and you need counseling.” We don’t want to rug sweep, but has it been too long to bring this up again? Does DH call her? Email her? Or black hole until we hear from her again? Fyi - FIL is firmly on MIL side, and rarely speaks to DH on the phone (MIL is the gatekeeper).
Thank you for reading!