Okay, so I've been lurking for months and finally joined. I promise I'm a real person and not a troll or a crazy or anything. I just need some reinforcement bc I am afraid I'll cave and fail at this desperately needed time out from my family.
I'll be happy to answer questions or provide more background as needed. I am going to try to keep this fairly anonymous but the details are super weird and specific so that will be hard. Frankly, I'm not sure if I care whether my family finds this or not, though.
Sooooo there is a history of mental instability in my FOO, especially paternal side. Lots of negative interactions throughout childhood, lots of abnormal stuff I just thought was normal until I was an adult.
Things got worse when I grew up, moved out, got married, wanted to make choices for myself (when I was younger, even as an adult of 18, 19, 20, etc, I would just cow to whatever they said so things were mostly fine, or seemed to be. But I never had much independence and had a lot of fear of making my own choices.)
They really liked DH when he was the boyfriend, suddenly found lots of fault when we were engaged. Tried to talk me out of getting married - just live together, blah blah (btw we were 23 and had been dating 2 years, and he really is a great guy). When I didn't change my mind, there was a lot of dictating of how the wedding would be ("this isn't for you, it's for us and our friends"). Nope - can't get a manicure. Need to stay here and help us clean the house for the wedding. Nope - can't have it outside. Needs to be at the church (that they're not members of and very rarely attend). They looked up the school system where I got my first job (which paid really well and treated its employees great) and printed off all the test scores to say it wasn't as good as the system in my home county and that I should have stayed there to use their "influence" to get a job (although I had a masters degree from a great ed program and was a highly desirable candidate). Looked up the cost of our first home on zillow and insisted we couldn't afford it bc they assumed we made less money than we did. On and on...
So we now live really far out of state, bc my husband is pursuing his doctorate (another big fight). He's getting paid to do so, and it's in a field where he will get paid well to be on faculty at a university when he is done. We have lots of great friends and enjoy a great deal about our current city.
I got really sick a few months ago. Really, really, almost died sick. My husband was out of town for the whole week before (presenting at a conference). He returned and insisted I immediately go to the doctor (I was somewhat delusional and insisting it wasn't really that bad). I was sent immediately to the ER, where I was admitted to the ICU. He was sent home with our 2 kids, reassured the kids as best he could, settled them into bed and began the task of cleaning up the house from all the mess that had built up during the previous 24 hours or so of me hosting a pumpkin decorating/ carving party with toddlers then falling suddenly very ill and allowing our own children to run basically feral through the house while I barely functioned. He also called both sets of parents bc, well, I had about a 60% chance of dying overnight. My parents immediately began driving bc they said they couldn't sleep. The ICU doctors called him in the morning and said I had made it and probably WOULD live. He called them and they immediately turned around and started driving home.
The next day I took another turn for the worse and they came back. They stayed. I was in the hospital for a week, had surgery, and was finally discharged. Parents spent much of their time arguing and grilling the doctors at the hospital, complaining about my husband to me and being passive aggressive to my husband. They looked at our bills and nitpicked our house and yard. They kept saying that they felt like "second class citizens" at our house (I guess the short notice, I'm almost dead accomodations weren't up to snuff?) and blamed the fact that our yard had leaves and pine needles in it that needed to be raked for my illness (said it was DH's fault, complained to his mother about it, later tried to triangulate and say she agreed). Kept telling DH he couldn't possibly understand how they felt. Told me I couldn't possibly understand how they felt. Acted like it was so much more awful for them than us and we should comfort them. Once I was home they spent lots of time in the yard on this yard work they were obsessed with while I spent a lot of time alone with my 3 year old, watching the mess pile up inside (I could not walk). My husband was in the midst of comp exams and had missed a week of classes/ work due to trying to be in the hospital with me and keep things relatively normal for the kids. It was insanely stressful.
My three year old was struggling a lot with emotions, as she didn't understand what was going on (couldn't visit in ICU, when I was finally moved to a regular room, I had lots of tubes and wires and couldn't get out of bed - very scary). Plus, my husband had been gone the whole week prior. So she was really clingy to him and generally out of sorts. Which is understandable and normal. She's kind of intense anyway, but was way off kilter during that time. FOO decided she is spoiled and bad and blamed it on DH.
This all blew up after several days, with my dad blowing up at DH in kitchen - lots of profanity, middle finger in his face. My 3 year old witnessed the whole thing - was right there in the kitchen. Older child heard it all, with me, in the living room. DH tried to keep the peace and even offered an apology though he'd done nothing wrong - got another tirade about our spoiled, bad kids. Older child hear all this.
The next morning 3 year old was afraid - wouldn't look my father in the face. He chastised her for this and used it as a bargaining chip - she could only do what she wanted (help walk the dog) if she looked at him. Parents were asked to leave, but cried and apologized (though, looking back, it wasn't much in the way of an apology, they still tried to blame DH, and they flat out stated at one point that they wanted to stay bc "it was so wonderful getting to play with [my] kids" bc my dad missed out on a lot of my childhood). They begged to stay and I caved and let them (I know, I'm lucky my husband hasn't left me. We have worked through a lot since this incident and continue to do so).
There were actually several other crappy interactions and blow ups during this time, but I see how ridiculously long this is already so I'll only outline other incidents if anybody needs me to do so.
So I wrote a letter which I recognize now was overly JADE-y but stated, very clearly, that we needed time away from them and that they were not to contact us rashly, but only to contact us if they were willing to get help through therapy and make real changes. I asked that they only contact us in writing and, then, only after a significant period of time. They have written to us a total of 6 times in the period of less than a month since the official cut off (I tried to do a slow fade first but they kept obsessively texting, emailing, sending packages and flowers, and commenting on FB that I blocked all electronic forms of communication and sent the letter laying out my need for space and the reasons). I am BHing the letters and have not read them or responded.
I know I handled a lot of things very poorly leading up to this, and that I spent most of my life enmeshed with my family and allowing them to stomp my boundaries, so I see my part in all this, but I am really working now to rectify these mistakes and heal my own little nuclear family. I guess what I need is support in moving forward so that I have the fortitude to weather this and not cave in again.
(Edited for some typo/ grammar stuff. Probably still more I missed)