A little back history- (I'll try my best to keep it brief as possible).. We have 4 children with #5 on the way sometime in May. Children 1,2,3 were planned. We stopped at 3 and didn't plan on more. Fast forward a decade (to 2014) my IUD failed and surprise!! Here came #4 a boy, after 3 girls. Exciting! Happy time, everyone thrilled, supportive (because i was super nervous at first, starting completely over basically).. SIL the most thrilled of everyone and her and I were very close. When baby arrived, SIL was a pround aunt- always helping out and spoiling baby like crazy (no different than with our older children, she's always been a spoiler and a very involved aunt despite our distance living wise, she's a few hours away). Things were going along normally, life goes on.
DH and I decided we would try for one more child. Our older children are much older than our surprise lo- youngest before him was 10 at the time and oldest was nearly 16, our middle was 13. It really seemed that despite having older siblings lo was more like an only child in many regards and if we could, we really wanted to have one more so that he had a sibling closer to his age. Siblings to grow up with are something DH and I see value in, and we see the bond our older ones have with each other and wanted the same (if we could) for our lil guy. Plus- we had already started completely all over with babyhood again, and just felt like we wern't done now i guess. Whatever our reasons, they were ours and its soley our choice, financially we can afford it and it felt right for our family. We are older in terms of fertility, and though I would've loved to wait atleast 2 years, we felt like time really wasn't on our side for that option. We got the OK from our Dr and went from there. We didn't mention our decision or reasons to our families. Why would we? We wern't sure how long it would take, if we would be successful, or how it would all play out- so we kept it to ourselves, which both DH and I share the same view that it's our personal business anyway and no one really needed to know we were baby dancing besides us and our Dr.
Surprisingly it didn't take us very long to succeed, a few dissapointing months and then our positive test. The day we had planned I would take the test (that later was positive) SIL was visiting. I didn't think much of it either way and certainly didn't sway my plans of testing that morning. Took the test- popped positive! Yay! I went to find DH who was outside with SIL and our lo - as soon as I got out there and saw DH I started to cry (happy tears!) I practically ran over to him, I gave him a hug and whispered the good news to him. He looked at me and responded with a big grin and a "Really??!!" I nodded yes.. SIL immediately asked what's wrong.. DH said "Nothing's wrong, she's pregnant! She just took a test" SIL's face went blank. Her reply was "OH NO!!" Followed by "What are you guys gonna do?" then looked me straight in the face and said "You obviously have to terminate!!" Aside from being completely stunned by her reply, I was hurt. And LIVID. I mustered up some composure (assuming maybe she thought this wasn't a planned thing for us, or... who knows? I have no idea what triggered such a response from her or how she thought it was even appropriate to say out loud).. We explained that we had been trying and this was good news, and that we were happy. DH asked her to keep it quiet for now, it was very early on and we wern't ready to announce just yet and wanted to let some time pass first and see how things worked out. Typical, I think?
DH went to work, SIL hung out at our place for the day. Later that afternoon I was folding laundry in my bedroom and SIL came in, shut the door and (felt like) she cornered me- Sat on the bed and the following conversation happened:
SIL "i had one before"
ME "huh? had what?"
SIL "an abortion, it was the right choice at the time"
ME "oh." (super uncomfortable!)
SIL "its not that big of a deal... you really should think about it"
ME "I'm sorry you went through that, thank you for sharing your experience with me, but we won't be doing that. We planned this and completely want another baby" (trying to remain calm, collected, rational)
SIL "well, how far along are you? they sell an emergency pill at the drugstore- I can go pick it up for you, maybe that will work"
ME "what? NO!.. what part aren't you understanding? We're happy and we aren't terminating this pregnancy.. WTF"
SIL "I think you're being selfish. You guys don't need another child. You have enough, " nephew" was a blessed surprise. You need to be done now. Really? 5 children? C'mon.. Be realistic"
ME (about to completely SNAP) "We are being realistic. I'm done with this conversation. We either have your support or we don't, either way we won't be changing our minds, so just stop"
SIL "well, give it some time and think about it."
ME "I think you should probably leave"
SIL "fine, that's probably best anyway because I'm really upset over this. Tell 'DH' to call me later"
She basically huffed and puffed and stomped out of the house. She was the one "upset" ?!!? OK then? Anyway, her visit was obviously cut short and she went home instead (few hours away, fortunately!)
DH basically took my side on this one, although he expressed more hurt feelings than anger. At that point I was mostly angry and only slightly hurt. He didn't call her, and infact we didn't initiate any contact for quite some time, nor did SIL.. she would send DH a random text here and there asking about the kids and that was it and he kept his replies brief and to the point, nothing extra. The pregnancy was never brought up by either side. SIL didn't come down to celebrate lo's 1st birthday. She did send a happy birthday text.. Wow, OK then.
Fast forward to the late fall, nothing really changed with her behavior, or ours. By this time our immediate family members and close friends knew about the pregnancy, and expressed nothing but positivity and well wishes. We had our 1st ultrasound. Everything looked great, we got print outs and showed our family members, or sent them via text msg to family out of town. MIL asked if we sent to SIL, to which my answer was no. MIL suggested sending it, maybe it would "break the ice" and help "smooth things over" ... Hesitantly I agreed that may be a good idea, I put on my adulting panties and sent it to SIL captioned "Hi Auntie! Excited to meet you!! See you in the Spring! <3" Her response was awful. I'm not sure why I was expecting it to go differently, or what I even expected, but I certainly didn't predict what came back- which was... "Really? You're still pregnant? Wow. I thought you would've taken care of that by now? How far along are you? By the looks of that scan its too late to fix it now. Sooo dissapointed. You guys are making the biggest mistake IMO - good luck with that"
Truth be told, had she been standing in front of me it would have taken every morsel of my self control not to throat punch her in that moment. I replied with a "wow" and didn't speak or respond to her again until Christmas. The holidays were awkward to say the least, and unfortunately it was her year to host. I kept my interactions with her minimal and cordial. By this time I was halfway into the pregnancy and starting to show. When other family members would talk about the pregnancy or rub my belly she would roll her eyes and huff out of the room, or if the situation didn't allow her to storm off she would pipe in and change the subject .. think "who wants pie?!" etc.. The tension was obvious, and it was a very long couple of days. We returned home and carried on with life. We had very minimal contact with SIL and really was only ever in response to her asking about the kids.
We're currently a couple months away from the arrival of the new baby. Nothing has improved, changed or showing any indication of change. I did make one final attempt about a month ago to open a dialogue with SIL to get to the bottom of what exactly her problem is (which was a fail and only caused an argument and more hostility). Her reaction to the news of the new baby and continued hostility really took us by surprise. We've never had any issues before this, have always been really close, mature, respectful. Overall we shared a great relationship. There was a time I really respected her and even looked up to her. I eventually got over the anger I felt regarding all of this and really just left feeling hurt and confused. I've tried looking at it from different perspectives, and really trying to figure this out on her end. I feel like it must run deeper than just her opinion that 5 children is too many in today's society. Her behaviour just isn't proportionate to that. Or maybe it is? I definately believe that people are entitled to their opinions, beliefs, whatever- and I don't think just because people are related by blood or marriage that they *have* to support each other's choices, or approve. I do expect respect though, which I feel she didn't extend. This whole issue has been completely out of character for her and I really just don't get it.
With the due date quickly approaching MIL has been pressuring me to "mend" the relationship (as well I'm sure she has been pressuring SIL as well).. DH's position is that he thinks she'll come around and change her tune once the baby is born. My dillemma is that I feel like I've tried my best and to my limits to mend this situation. I feel like I've done my part and not only that but I've tried very hard to be understanding and even forgiving of the harsh things she's said. My friends think I'm crazy and said they would never speak to someone again who acted in the way SIL has. I don't disagree, she was very inappropriate to say the least... But I also realize that the likelihood of DH completely cutting her out of our life if she wanted to be in it (and play nice) is zero. It is his sister afterall, and like I first mentioned- sibling relationships are something that DH and I both value and built our own family with that in mind.
I probably won't ever forget the things she's said, but I will probably have to learn to get over it if she does end up changing her tune. My concern is that she won't be changing her opinion, and that is definately something I won't tolerate. There's no way in hell I would allow the kind of negativity she's displayed to be anywhere near this baby when it's born. For example if she carries on being "auntie of the year" with our 4 children and completely disregards the baby .. No- just no!! I don't think I'm wrong to take the stance of treat all my children equally or don't be involved at all...
DH thinks that's an overreaction and said should that happen just give her time to warm up to the new baby. How much time? I've asked him his answer is "as much as she needs"
I can't get on board with that. Am I wrong?
DH and I decided we would try for one more child. Our older children are much older than our surprise lo- youngest before him was 10 at the time and oldest was nearly 16, our middle was 13. It really seemed that despite having older siblings lo was more like an only child in many regards and if we could, we really wanted to have one more so that he had a sibling closer to his age. Siblings to grow up with are something DH and I see value in, and we see the bond our older ones have with each other and wanted the same (if we could) for our lil guy. Plus- we had already started completely all over with babyhood again, and just felt like we wern't done now i guess. Whatever our reasons, they were ours and its soley our choice, financially we can afford it and it felt right for our family. We are older in terms of fertility, and though I would've loved to wait atleast 2 years, we felt like time really wasn't on our side for that option. We got the OK from our Dr and went from there. We didn't mention our decision or reasons to our families. Why would we? We wern't sure how long it would take, if we would be successful, or how it would all play out- so we kept it to ourselves, which both DH and I share the same view that it's our personal business anyway and no one really needed to know we were baby dancing besides us and our Dr.
Surprisingly it didn't take us very long to succeed, a few dissapointing months and then our positive test. The day we had planned I would take the test (that later was positive) SIL was visiting. I didn't think much of it either way and certainly didn't sway my plans of testing that morning. Took the test- popped positive! Yay! I went to find DH who was outside with SIL and our lo - as soon as I got out there and saw DH I started to cry (happy tears!) I practically ran over to him, I gave him a hug and whispered the good news to him. He looked at me and responded with a big grin and a "Really??!!" I nodded yes.. SIL immediately asked what's wrong.. DH said "Nothing's wrong, she's pregnant! She just took a test" SIL's face went blank. Her reply was "OH NO!!" Followed by "What are you guys gonna do?" then looked me straight in the face and said "You obviously have to terminate!!" Aside from being completely stunned by her reply, I was hurt. And LIVID. I mustered up some composure (assuming maybe she thought this wasn't a planned thing for us, or... who knows? I have no idea what triggered such a response from her or how she thought it was even appropriate to say out loud).. We explained that we had been trying and this was good news, and that we were happy. DH asked her to keep it quiet for now, it was very early on and we wern't ready to announce just yet and wanted to let some time pass first and see how things worked out. Typical, I think?
DH went to work, SIL hung out at our place for the day. Later that afternoon I was folding laundry in my bedroom and SIL came in, shut the door and (felt like) she cornered me- Sat on the bed and the following conversation happened:
SIL "i had one before"
ME "huh? had what?"
SIL "an abortion, it was the right choice at the time"
ME "oh." (super uncomfortable!)
SIL "its not that big of a deal... you really should think about it"
ME "I'm sorry you went through that, thank you for sharing your experience with me, but we won't be doing that. We planned this and completely want another baby" (trying to remain calm, collected, rational)
SIL "well, how far along are you? they sell an emergency pill at the drugstore- I can go pick it up for you, maybe that will work"
ME "what? NO!.. what part aren't you understanding? We're happy and we aren't terminating this pregnancy.. WTF"
SIL "I think you're being selfish. You guys don't need another child. You have enough, " nephew" was a blessed surprise. You need to be done now. Really? 5 children? C'mon.. Be realistic"
ME (about to completely SNAP) "We are being realistic. I'm done with this conversation. We either have your support or we don't, either way we won't be changing our minds, so just stop"
SIL "well, give it some time and think about it."
ME "I think you should probably leave"
SIL "fine, that's probably best anyway because I'm really upset over this. Tell 'DH' to call me later"
She basically huffed and puffed and stomped out of the house. She was the one "upset" ?!!? OK then? Anyway, her visit was obviously cut short and she went home instead (few hours away, fortunately!)
DH basically took my side on this one, although he expressed more hurt feelings than anger. At that point I was mostly angry and only slightly hurt. He didn't call her, and infact we didn't initiate any contact for quite some time, nor did SIL.. she would send DH a random text here and there asking about the kids and that was it and he kept his replies brief and to the point, nothing extra. The pregnancy was never brought up by either side. SIL didn't come down to celebrate lo's 1st birthday. She did send a happy birthday text.. Wow, OK then.
Fast forward to the late fall, nothing really changed with her behavior, or ours. By this time our immediate family members and close friends knew about the pregnancy, and expressed nothing but positivity and well wishes. We had our 1st ultrasound. Everything looked great, we got print outs and showed our family members, or sent them via text msg to family out of town. MIL asked if we sent to SIL, to which my answer was no. MIL suggested sending it, maybe it would "break the ice" and help "smooth things over" ... Hesitantly I agreed that may be a good idea, I put on my adulting panties and sent it to SIL captioned "Hi Auntie! Excited to meet you!! See you in the Spring! <3" Her response was awful. I'm not sure why I was expecting it to go differently, or what I even expected, but I certainly didn't predict what came back- which was... "Really? You're still pregnant? Wow. I thought you would've taken care of that by now? How far along are you? By the looks of that scan its too late to fix it now. Sooo dissapointed. You guys are making the biggest mistake IMO - good luck with that"
Truth be told, had she been standing in front of me it would have taken every morsel of my self control not to throat punch her in that moment. I replied with a "wow" and didn't speak or respond to her again until Christmas. The holidays were awkward to say the least, and unfortunately it was her year to host. I kept my interactions with her minimal and cordial. By this time I was halfway into the pregnancy and starting to show. When other family members would talk about the pregnancy or rub my belly she would roll her eyes and huff out of the room, or if the situation didn't allow her to storm off she would pipe in and change the subject .. think "who wants pie?!" etc.. The tension was obvious, and it was a very long couple of days. We returned home and carried on with life. We had very minimal contact with SIL and really was only ever in response to her asking about the kids.
We're currently a couple months away from the arrival of the new baby. Nothing has improved, changed or showing any indication of change. I did make one final attempt about a month ago to open a dialogue with SIL to get to the bottom of what exactly her problem is (which was a fail and only caused an argument and more hostility). Her reaction to the news of the new baby and continued hostility really took us by surprise. We've never had any issues before this, have always been really close, mature, respectful. Overall we shared a great relationship. There was a time I really respected her and even looked up to her. I eventually got over the anger I felt regarding all of this and really just left feeling hurt and confused. I've tried looking at it from different perspectives, and really trying to figure this out on her end. I feel like it must run deeper than just her opinion that 5 children is too many in today's society. Her behaviour just isn't proportionate to that. Or maybe it is? I definately believe that people are entitled to their opinions, beliefs, whatever- and I don't think just because people are related by blood or marriage that they *have* to support each other's choices, or approve. I do expect respect though, which I feel she didn't extend. This whole issue has been completely out of character for her and I really just don't get it.
With the due date quickly approaching MIL has been pressuring me to "mend" the relationship (as well I'm sure she has been pressuring SIL as well).. DH's position is that he thinks she'll come around and change her tune once the baby is born. My dillemma is that I feel like I've tried my best and to my limits to mend this situation. I feel like I've done my part and not only that but I've tried very hard to be understanding and even forgiving of the harsh things she's said. My friends think I'm crazy and said they would never speak to someone again who acted in the way SIL has. I don't disagree, she was very inappropriate to say the least... But I also realize that the likelihood of DH completely cutting her out of our life if she wanted to be in it (and play nice) is zero. It is his sister afterall, and like I first mentioned- sibling relationships are something that DH and I both value and built our own family with that in mind.
I probably won't ever forget the things she's said, but I will probably have to learn to get over it if she does end up changing her tune. My concern is that she won't be changing her opinion, and that is definately something I won't tolerate. There's no way in hell I would allow the kind of negativity she's displayed to be anywhere near this baby when it's born. For example if she carries on being "auntie of the year" with our 4 children and completely disregards the baby .. No- just no!! I don't think I'm wrong to take the stance of treat all my children equally or don't be involved at all...
DH thinks that's an overreaction and said should that happen just give her time to warm up to the new baby. How much time? I've asked him his answer is "as much as she needs"
I can't get on board with that. Am I wrong?