DWIL's,
I apologize if this gets long, or jumbled I will try to keep everything relevant. I have been a longtime lurker, and appreciator of this board. I don't have much bg, I just got married on the 20th of this month, after being in a happy relationship with my DH for 4 years. My in-laws themselves are actually great, they are supportive and understanding. They respect our boundaries in parenting and overall feel like the family I always wanted. My FOO (specifically my mother and sister) are a completely different story.
Background on them:
My sister is the golden child, and loyal minion to my mom who is the queen bee and overall dictator of our family. Growing up I was always the black sheep and my relationship with them has been rocky. My mom is a narc I think, she is also a compulsive liar. She was a single mom, and my dad was in prison, but still wanted a relationship with me. I remember I used to write him letters (I was around 15 I think) and I would ask my mom to send them for me, and she would tell me that she did. I wasn't receiving any correspondence back and (I remember feeling so sad because I wanted to get to know him and establish a relationship, and I honestly I blamed my self for him not replying) I found all the letters I had "sent" him crammed in her car dashboard. I confronted my mom and she just said she didn't want me talking to him, and was mad at ME for trying (when prior to my face she was nice about it, and acted like she didn't mind.) Our whole relationship was like that, she would try to isolate me from anyone who may "take her place" as mommy dearest i.e. any friends, friend's parents, my MIL, my dad,
grandparents. I was never trying to replace her either, I just was creating relationships with other people.
Back to the straw that broke my camels back, I got married on March 20th this year, we had originally planned on larger wedding this fall, but DH and I decided to save ourselves some expense and just have an intimate wedding with our immediate family and a couple close friends, this change was on short notice, (about a month from the wedding date) but we were married literally down the road from my moms house on a bridge, and she normally has a flexible schedule especially with work since most of it is free-lanced. We informed her of the wedding, and she was pissed, and didn't even bother to hide it. She showed no excitement. She was mad because we had not asked her what day we should get married, (for our baby shower for LO, we had used the date that she wanted. Even though she didn't plan the party she just attended, and I gave birth a day later at 9 1/5 months pregnant. Being that pregnant made it a miserable experience as well, I was swollen, huge and had the beginnings of preeclampsia which is why I ended up in the hospital the next day. so this time DH and I decided to choose a date that worked for us) and she "worked" (again flexible schedule, she works in the same area we got married and for her business she drives around, & our ceremony was a half hour long. ) She pretty much gave me the silent treatment up until our wedding day, which is fine we went about our business. On the day of the wedding she called me THREE times to let me know she wasn't going to make it *insert poor me voice* but that she'd try to make it to dinner we had at our home afterwards. Our ceremony went on without any incident, and actually my dad attended (we've been working on rebuilding our relationship since he was released from prison in 2015.) When we went home to have the dinner I called my mom to see if she was still coming so we could make enough food. She explained that she was "on call" *same poor me voice* (they never get calls, and I live 10 minutes away from her IF she had received a call it she could have left. and IF she had received a call, it would have been for more toilet paper, or clean towels, nothing that would be considered a time sensitive emergency. ) She never mentioned being on call when we had spoke the first three times prior and that's not something her company just throws around, its scheduled. But okay fine, we enjoyed the evening with our LO, DH's family and a couple friends. Even though on the inside it still pained me knowing that she couldn't bother to be there, or even pretend to be happy for me.
My mom then continued to just be short and prickly if I tried to talk to her, or my sister I would receive passive aggressive responses. Well shit finally hit the fan when I asked my sister what was going on my mom started calling me nonstop and I had a feeling it was to fight so I started declining her calls, so she started texting me about how I needed to keep my sister out of it, and how hurt she was that I invited my dad to the wedding, and that I was bending over backwards to accommodate him, but not her.
I tried to calmly text back that I didn't want to talk, but she kept texting me and harassing me.
So I decided to block her number on my iphone, as well as my sisters, and on debil.
It seemed like it fixed the situation, well turns out she turned onto my grandmother (who I've always been close to) telling her it was her fault, and bugging her for information about me.
This behavior was kind of an eye opening experience for me, DH and I decided that we no longer wanted to expose ourselves to her hurtful, and spiteful behavior. So we are determined to keep to our indefinite CO.
My concern going forward:
I work right next to her house, I fear that she will try to force contact and cause a scene, what do I do if she shows up?
She already has tried calling my DH several times since this has happened. The most recent call was last night at 10o'clock....
Also, and this might be the part people don't agree with so I am expecting angry reactions, I made my moms debil profile for her about three years ago, she has never changed anything on it (she knows how to, I've showed her) and her password is her dogs name. After I blocked her a couple days ago I tried the password (it still worked and logged on) I looked at her messages between her and my sister and read messages going back and forth between them that went back months (before I knew she was even mad at me) talking about me ranging from out right name calling, to criticizing my parenting, to saying that I favored my dad (who at this point I barely know still.) I do have screen shots for llama noms if anyone is interested. Maybe that was wrong that I did that, but I almost feel justified in it, because it showed me how they really feel about me. I had know idea that their contempt was that severe until seeing those messages, and that the only reason they tolerate me is to have access to LO (he is the only grandchild on both sides as of right now.)
Please counsel me, I am open to advice however hard it is.
I apologize if this gets long, or jumbled I will try to keep everything relevant. I have been a longtime lurker, and appreciator of this board. I don't have much bg, I just got married on the 20th of this month, after being in a happy relationship with my DH for 4 years. My in-laws themselves are actually great, they are supportive and understanding. They respect our boundaries in parenting and overall feel like the family I always wanted. My FOO (specifically my mother and sister) are a completely different story.
Background on them:
My sister is the golden child, and loyal minion to my mom who is the queen bee and overall dictator of our family. Growing up I was always the black sheep and my relationship with them has been rocky. My mom is a narc I think, she is also a compulsive liar. She was a single mom, and my dad was in prison, but still wanted a relationship with me. I remember I used to write him letters (I was around 15 I think) and I would ask my mom to send them for me, and she would tell me that she did. I wasn't receiving any correspondence back and (I remember feeling so sad because I wanted to get to know him and establish a relationship, and I honestly I blamed my self for him not replying) I found all the letters I had "sent" him crammed in her car dashboard. I confronted my mom and she just said she didn't want me talking to him, and was mad at ME for trying (when prior to my face she was nice about it, and acted like she didn't mind.) Our whole relationship was like that, she would try to isolate me from anyone who may "take her place" as mommy dearest i.e. any friends, friend's parents, my MIL, my dad,
grandparents. I was never trying to replace her either, I just was creating relationships with other people.
Back to the straw that broke my camels back, I got married on March 20th this year, we had originally planned on larger wedding this fall, but DH and I decided to save ourselves some expense and just have an intimate wedding with our immediate family and a couple close friends, this change was on short notice, (about a month from the wedding date) but we were married literally down the road from my moms house on a bridge, and she normally has a flexible schedule especially with work since most of it is free-lanced. We informed her of the wedding, and she was pissed, and didn't even bother to hide it. She showed no excitement. She was mad because we had not asked her what day we should get married, (for our baby shower for LO, we had used the date that she wanted. Even though she didn't plan the party she just attended, and I gave birth a day later at 9 1/5 months pregnant. Being that pregnant made it a miserable experience as well, I was swollen, huge and had the beginnings of preeclampsia which is why I ended up in the hospital the next day. so this time DH and I decided to choose a date that worked for us) and she "worked" (again flexible schedule, she works in the same area we got married and for her business she drives around, & our ceremony was a half hour long. ) She pretty much gave me the silent treatment up until our wedding day, which is fine we went about our business. On the day of the wedding she called me THREE times to let me know she wasn't going to make it *insert poor me voice* but that she'd try to make it to dinner we had at our home afterwards. Our ceremony went on without any incident, and actually my dad attended (we've been working on rebuilding our relationship since he was released from prison in 2015.) When we went home to have the dinner I called my mom to see if she was still coming so we could make enough food. She explained that she was "on call" *same poor me voice* (they never get calls, and I live 10 minutes away from her IF she had received a call it she could have left. and IF she had received a call, it would have been for more toilet paper, or clean towels, nothing that would be considered a time sensitive emergency. ) She never mentioned being on call when we had spoke the first three times prior and that's not something her company just throws around, its scheduled. But okay fine, we enjoyed the evening with our LO, DH's family and a couple friends. Even though on the inside it still pained me knowing that she couldn't bother to be there, or even pretend to be happy for me.
My mom then continued to just be short and prickly if I tried to talk to her, or my sister I would receive passive aggressive responses. Well shit finally hit the fan when I asked my sister what was going on my mom started calling me nonstop and I had a feeling it was to fight so I started declining her calls, so she started texting me about how I needed to keep my sister out of it, and how hurt she was that I invited my dad to the wedding, and that I was bending over backwards to accommodate him, but not her.
I tried to calmly text back that I didn't want to talk, but she kept texting me and harassing me.
So I decided to block her number on my iphone, as well as my sisters, and on debil.
It seemed like it fixed the situation, well turns out she turned onto my grandmother (who I've always been close to) telling her it was her fault, and bugging her for information about me.
This behavior was kind of an eye opening experience for me, DH and I decided that we no longer wanted to expose ourselves to her hurtful, and spiteful behavior. So we are determined to keep to our indefinite CO.
My concern going forward:
I work right next to her house, I fear that she will try to force contact and cause a scene, what do I do if she shows up?
She already has tried calling my DH several times since this has happened. The most recent call was last night at 10o'clock....
Also, and this might be the part people don't agree with so I am expecting angry reactions, I made my moms debil profile for her about three years ago, she has never changed anything on it (she knows how to, I've showed her) and her password is her dogs name. After I blocked her a couple days ago I tried the password (it still worked and logged on) I looked at her messages between her and my sister and read messages going back and forth between them that went back months (before I knew she was even mad at me) talking about me ranging from out right name calling, to criticizing my parenting, to saying that I favored my dad (who at this point I barely know still.) I do have screen shots for llama noms if anyone is interested. Maybe that was wrong that I did that, but I almost feel justified in it, because it showed me how they really feel about me. I had know idea that their contempt was that severe until seeing those messages, and that the only reason they tolerate me is to have access to LO (he is the only grandchild on both sides as of right now.)
Please counsel me, I am open to advice however hard it is.
