I've gone anon for this because my previous sn was a bit too recognizable.
Some background:
I come from a strange narcissistic entanglement of golden children and scape goats - we were raised by our maternal grandparents, but my mother reappeared at some point and lurked around in the basement.
Before my eldest was born, I told my mother (a weird, self deprecating leech of a narcissist) that unless she got her head on straight and got some help, she would not have a relationship with my children. I have been very clear on this with her, and everyone connected with our immediate family (ie her mother, my siblings). My grandmother has supported this decision as wise and has herself been on a long time out from her own daughter for very good reasons (police, ambulances and shelters were involved. It all makes me glad I'm 12+ hours away.) My siblings are pretty much even more done with the mother than I am, though I don't think they've bothered to explicitly draw that line in the sand.
Currently my mother is in subsidized housing, on her own and seems to be finally taking steps to get her life on track. This is fantastic, but I've heard this song before. Part of getting her life on track is taking care of her previously neglected health - which absurdly enough means a limb is being amputated. Her birthday is tomorrow. The amputation is Tuesday.
I was on the phone with my grandmother today, talking about how things were going. I asked how the trip into town Wednesday (for the pre-op stuff - they drove their daughter in) went. It was good, they'll take her back in Monday evening.
She (on speaker phone) starts talking to my eldest about her 'grandma' and I cut in and said "That's just my mom to her." (Not a new thing.)
She got all offended by this, and asked who her grandmother was then. I said she has her Grandmaman, and her Grandma SM.
GM: Well that's ridiculous. She's still her grandmother. What does she call her?
(None of this is new information to her, so I'm not even sure how to respond)
Me: She doesn't really... Mommy's mommy? Her name?
GM: Well you know it's your mother's birthday tomorrow.
Me: ... yes... I am aware it is my mother's birthday tomorrow.
GM: I don't care for your attitude right now. I'm going to hang up. I love you, good bye.
So. I'm standing there in the kitchen scratching my head, on the verge of tears of frustration, and a toddler getting upset that I hung up on GM and she wanted to talk to her and a six month old starting to get nap-fussy. I think they could both sense how suddenly anxious I was, because the toddler suddenly had no listening ears, and the infant wouldn't nurse and just screamed at me for the longest time.
My stomach is in knots and I feel a bit like the chair's been kicked out from under me. WTH? Am I three or thirty?? (I'm neither, actually... I just like alliteration.)
Logically I feel like GM is feeling some mommy guilt and feels the need to defend her daughter suddenly on the last days before such a major operation. My mind won't stay on the logic though - I'm foreseeing days of her trying to force a relationship into my children's lives that I do not approve of. Unbeknownst to her, she doesn't exactly get the carte blanche she probably expects she has as it is.
So what precautions should I be taking here? I think no more speaker phone conversations for a while in the very least. I probably won't bother calling until after the surgery at this point.