Bit of complicated but relevant background. My SIL is coming to visit me, my DH and our DD this weekend and bringing my DNi, who is 8. DNi is not her daughter. DNi lives with her mom (DNi mom, not SIL mom) and is the result of a one night stand with BIL. BIL is cut off from basically everyone and in prison, so non issue. He was never really involved, but DNi mom maintained ties with MIL and SIL because to her it was important for DNi to know her dad's family. (Not my circus, not my monkeys, situation.) Obviously, it's sort of a tricky situation all around. I have never been close to DNi mom, mostly because DNi was 2yo already when I came around and her and BIL weren't together. The mom would just send DNi over to MIL or SIL to spend time with her paternal family, which is when I would see her.
Issue I'm having anxiety over: DNi has a good relationship with my MIL, who is completely cut off from me, DH and DD. Has never met my 6 month old and no plans to ever allow that to happen. I'm wondering what to say if my DNi asks us something about her grandma, (my MIL) or asks to FaceTime her to show her the baby? Obviously I will be saying no, just wondering how much you would tell a kid questioning out in this situation? I have seen posts about how to explain CO to your own kids, who won't have a relationship with CO person, but what about to kids who AREN'T yours?
Eta: DNi was the first grandchild on her paternal side and DD is the second. So this is her first and only cousin that "shares" a grandma, in theory, with her. I'm pretty sure she's the only grandchild on her maternal side. Either way, she's just sort of understanding the "cousin" concept and I'm anticipating MIL or "grandma" coming up.
While SIL is not thrilled with the cut off, she has been respectful of it, minus a few minor issues in the beginning. But I don't really trust her to answer the question, nor do I think she would be comfortable doing so. And obviously, neither of us are DNi mom. Thoughts? I want to get across that no, there's no relationship between her and us, but not sway her or make her question her own relationship with MIL.
TLDR how do you explain a cut off (if asked about it) to a child who isn't yours whose parents are also not present in the moment?
Issue I'm having anxiety over: DNi has a good relationship with my MIL, who is completely cut off from me, DH and DD. Has never met my 6 month old and no plans to ever allow that to happen. I'm wondering what to say if my DNi asks us something about her grandma, (my MIL) or asks to FaceTime her to show her the baby? Obviously I will be saying no, just wondering how much you would tell a kid questioning out in this situation? I have seen posts about how to explain CO to your own kids, who won't have a relationship with CO person, but what about to kids who AREN'T yours?
Eta: DNi was the first grandchild on her paternal side and DD is the second. So this is her first and only cousin that "shares" a grandma, in theory, with her. I'm pretty sure she's the only grandchild on her maternal side. Either way, she's just sort of understanding the "cousin" concept and I'm anticipating MIL or "grandma" coming up.
While SIL is not thrilled with the cut off, she has been respectful of it, minus a few minor issues in the beginning. But I don't really trust her to answer the question, nor do I think she would be comfortable doing so. And obviously, neither of us are DNi mom. Thoughts? I want to get across that no, there's no relationship between her and us, but not sway her or make her question her own relationship with MIL.
TLDR how do you explain a cut off (if asked about it) to a child who isn't yours whose parents are also not present in the moment?