Background here: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a57494683/?cpg=0#c0
This will be long, but background is necessary since I have not posted in the past 10 months about the birth day fiasco.
Birth Day Background: So I thought my DUH got his gold star and became a DH, but we are back to DUH status. I gave birth in July shortly after the PIL's visited from last post above, and shit hit the fan for me. Went into labor late at night and gave birth the next morning after working all day. DUH couldnt wait to call everyone and I kept telling him, no, I was not ready, because after lurking here long enough, I knew the baby rabies would be intense, and I didn't want my PP time ruined. Well it was. ( I should say that as I write this, my adreneline starts and get so angry all over again....) PIL's and my FOO came in 2 hours after delivery, and baby hogged the whole time I was trying to recover- think not able to walk from epidural, blood all over the bed still, still had really bad shakes, etc. I was so tired, and so emotionally spent because I barely got to hold my child before everyone came, that I shut down. Both families broke our no photos rule ( we asked that they not bring a camera since we have a really good one and wanted to have all the photos ourselves as we never get copies from people) and surprise surprise, we have NO PHOTOS of us with our child in the hosptal. I still hurts so bad to this day. Everyone took pics of themselves with baby, DUH with baby etc. I was just the incubator hanging out on the side that day while my DUH had his lion king moment. Finally at 630pm, a lactation consultant came in and helped kick them out as baby wasn't eating. I broke down after being awake for 54 hours straight, told my husband to breastfeed my child because I was done, I dont want him (HORMONES... not my proudest mommy moment, but it is what it is). The nurses took baby for 4 hours so I could sleep. Breast feeding was ruined because those few hours to bond never happened, and we hit every breast feeding obstacle in the book for weeks. I finally became a pumper as I wanted to quit BF really bad and my DUH pushed me to keep trying, and I ended up battling PPD & PPA from all the events and struggles. Meanwhile, all FAMMILLYYY wanted to do was visit and see that baby. Both families kept saying things during visits like "I'm going to take him for a month or two and bring him back later or when he's a teenager" which I told my husband caused me great anxiety with my PPD/PPA, and to please address it with his family and I will with mine. At my worst, my mom came to help, (like actually help by cooking and cleaning so I could bond & fall in love with my son, which finally happened) and when she did stomp minor boundaries, I quickly put her in place and we were fine ( I think she was just trying to understand her new role as well, and we have a great relationship). I addressed the photo issues & comments with her and my FOO, and the comments immediately stopped, and real apologies were given about the photo fisaco. Since then, my FOO has been wonderful and respectful, although I sometimes come off very harsh with them because I feel like I always need to keep my gaurd up with everyone since the birth. I though DUH had spoken to his parents but it just came out that he has NEVER addressed the hospital visit, but has told them that are not wanting photos of baby on social media, nor photos sent to people we dont know. On all visits now, when they do take photos with thier cameras, we take copies from the SD card before they leave, and I thought things were very clear.
Issue at hand now: DUH and I are going to start therapy as my emotions from birth day have hurt our marraige tremondously, and we have been having it out alot about boundaries, my feelings, our family rules, PIL & FOO's "feelings", etc. He feels that my rules and boundaries are ridiculous and that I am ruining our relationships with both his and my family because I can't let go of the past issues and I am always on guard, so family feels like they have to walk on eggshells around me. I feel like because he hasn't addressed things with his parents, that every little boundary stomp is another drop in the bucket where I don't trust or like his parents. This weekend they visited and I was completely different (at his request) - I was pleasant with them, engaging in conversation besides a respectful yes or no, and overall the visit was fine, just to prove to my husband that it is not me being a capital B to them on purpose, but that this mama bear is just weary of them and guarded...... But then MIL kept asking if we are on the debil alot. She asked more than once and my spidey senses went on high alert. This morning I find out on her FB ( we are not friends, looked on DUH's, which he never uses and we both have full access to each other's stuff) that she sent out a Christmas card with a photo of her, FIL and my child!!! Her friend tagged all the christmas cards she got in one photo and right on top is MIL's that she tagged. PIL's did not ask permission, and we had no idea this was done because we got a totally different card from them. I was so upset at work I was shaking because this is exactly the kind of thing I have been trying to avoid by keeping my guard up and enforcing what I can. I told DUH he needs to handle it and address it with them, and that the baby and I are off the table until I am comfortable being around them again, recieve an apology, and they work on rebuilding my trust first.
He doesn't fully understand or agree with why I feel like this, and why I want a TO. He did talk to them and tell them no visits for awhile(sigh...), but he says he agrees with them and thinks I am crazy and setting too strict of boundaries for FAMILY. First, can you confirm that I am justified in feeling how I feel? Next, can you all help me explain to my DUH why I feel this way and why a TO is in order and necessary? He feels wedged between me and his family and I keep telling him he isn't, he needs to side with me because hello?!....leave and cleave. Lastly, besides therapy which I am calling to make an appointment for TODAY, what else do I need to do/should I do, as I don't feel my DUH explained to his parents or put them in thier place? Do I wait for them to try and contact me and address it then, or would a simple text or email saying that because they repeatedly broke our rules on photos, we are taking a break and will resume contact if and when we are ready to??
Please feel free to ask if you need clarification on anything, I wrote this quickly here at work as I am so upset. Or if you need to put me in my place, please do so- I have my BGP on and I am ready for all the advice you can give!