Hi! Long time lurker, first time poster here. This is going to be super long but there's a lot of bg here that I think is important.
First, let me start off by saying this: my MIL is super sweet. This lady will do anything for you, even giving you the shirt off her back. But she's got some serious issues. She seriously lacks the ability to show any other emotion besides a wide, creepy smile and a declaration that "everything's okay" even in the face of severe conflict.
Think something like this:
DH and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7, and I don't feel like I know this lady at all. Conversations with her are very awkward and strained, and while she asks lots of questions about me, she rarely offers any personal information about herself. She's extremely guarded and secretive, and even as a single Mom of an only child (My DH) they have always had a very distant relationship because she's so hard to get close to. It's like she wants relationships with people but can't bring herself to open up enough to make it happen. She has no close friends and aside from DH's father, whom she never had a legitimate relationship with, she has never dated anyone.
She also seems to be severely lacking in common sense. She's very gullible and she makes very poor decisions. On several occasions, DH has had to "rescue" her from the consequences of her poor decision making. Especially when those consequences are financial.
Example: she moves almost every year. Why? Because she goes for these Move in specials and when the special period ends and the rent goes up, she can't afford it and has to move again. One time, she had a moving company to move her. She had planned on paying with a credit card, but they don't accept them. She doesn't have the cash in her account to cover the cost. She knew this in the AM. At 7pm, shortly after DH had just gotten home from work, she calls DH to ask him if he could spot her the money for the move. The movers have finished packing up her place and are ready to go. Now DH has to go back out to the ATM, and attempt to Western Union the money to her. Because of some glitch in their system, they can't wire the money. The movers can't unpack her stuff until she pays, so her stuff sits overnight in their truck and they have to come back in the AM to finish her move. Now her move that should've only cost x amount of dollars, costs double that because it spans over two days. The kicker? I check the savings account balance a few weeks later to find a chunk of money missing. Guess where it went? Yep, to pay for MIL's moving debacle. DH never told me, and since she was paying it back, I don't think he planned to.
All that being said, I worry a lot about MIL and her mental well being. However, there are times where I wonder if she's really as clueless and harmless and she tries to come off, or if she's fully aware of what she's doing. Here are some examples;
When DH and I were dating:
-I was looking at pictures of a friend who was pregnant and expressed that I was a little afraid of going through pregnancy myself. My super sweet, soft spoken, very docile MIL then goes from60 in 2.5 seconds flat. Saying "What do you mean you're afraid?! What are you afraid of? When I was pregnant I had NO morning sickness, NO. MORNING. SICKNESS! What are you so worried about?" Etc. I was baffled and caught off guard. DH was right there and didn't say a word. When I asked him about it later he thought it was totally normal.
-In an effort to "bond" she decided that we should go shopping one afternoon. She says that DH told her I like Victoria's Secret. I said yes so that's where we go. The entire time she keeps picking out lacy racy underwear and bras and thongs for me, even after I told her I'm not a fan of thongs and usually wear cotton bikini undies and full coverage bras. It was super weird.
When DH and I Got pregnant with DS:
-She had moved out of the state at this point and we still didn't have much of a relationship other than exchanging niceties when we saw each other or if I happened to be in the room when she and DH would be talking on the phone, which is pretty rare. As soon as we announced our pregnancy, she started calling me several times a week, wanting to know all of the details about the happenings in my uterus. If I didn't answer, she would text. If I didn't text back, she would call again. If I didn't call back she would email, and so forth.
-As the due date approached, she calls me to happily announce that she "will be there for the arrival!" (Complete with sing songy voice) never asked if I wanted her there or anything. I told DH absolutely not, and he shut that down quite quickly.
When DS was born:
-She came to stay with us for a week when DS was three weeks old. This was quite fine, she was wonderful! Cooked, cleaned, took DS downstairs and brought him back every two hours or whenever he got fussy to bf. My only problems were her not wanting to leave the room while I bf'd and one morning, while DS and I were enjoying some skin to skin time after nursing, she walks into my bedroom, tiptoes over to me and DS, and takes him off of my chest and leaves. This was all done with in the most creepy fashion possible, with exaggerated tiptoeing, outstretched hands, and weird wiggly fingers all while whispering "the baby the baby, I want to see the baby!" With that damned creepy ass smile on her face. It still makes me shudder to this day.
-At about 4 months old, we go visit her out of state. The visit was nice enough, save for the standard awkward moments and endless train of bad advice. As we were getting ready to leave she says to DS, "Oh don't you want to stay here in (insert state here) with grandma? Oh but Mommy won't allow that! Mommy won't allow that!" I took this as a totally PA comment, but when I told DH he refused to believe she was even capable of such a motive and that it was just her "wishful thinking." I was not convinced.
-several other visits, usually on the last day, she repeats this mantra to DS every time.
As DS gets older, I start to realize that she not very attentive or engaging with him. She says she loves him so much and always buys him a shit ton of clothes and gifts whenever we see her but as far as actually engaging with him, she just doesn't. He tries to get her attention and show/tell her things but she usually just nods and says "uh huh" and goes back to watching tv/ texting or talking on the phone or chatting with her one friend she always invited over whenever she comes down to visit. I realize that this is an extension of her inability to form relationships with people, but it makes me sad that DS gets brushed off by her. It also makes me think twice about leaving him with her alone, as she doesn't seem to keep a very close eye on him. She also allows DS to walk all over her (kid's got a pretty strong personality), and speak to her in a demanding and disrespectful way. We do not in any condone that behavior and he doesn't try that crap with us. Whenever we try to correct him, she says "it's okay" and obliges whatever demands he makes. By the time her visits are over, his behavior is terrible and we have to spend another week re training him and reigning in his behavior.
-when DS was three, she came down for the holidays. She always makes a traditional holiday cake from her culture which is delicious. The cake is made with lots of wine and rum, then continuously poured over with more wine or rum in the days following completion of the cake. I mean, by the time this thing is done, it's so heavy and dense, if you squeeze the cake, wine will come out. One day, DS asks for a piece of the cake, and MIL happily obliges. I see two different pans of cake, so I assume the piece she gave him was from the pan that had not been soaked in alcohol. After she gives him the piece, she goes, "Oh, I almost forgot!" And runs to the kitchen, grabs a bottle of wine and pours it over the cake. I then asked, "Is that the one with alcohol in it already?!" Her response: "Well you know, red wine is good for your heart" and goes on a whole spiel about the benefits of a glass of red wine a day blah blah blah. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
The following year, DS had to have a second surgery on his eye. He was born with a droopy eyelid and had to have it corrected as an infant as to not lose vision in the eye. The second surgery was expected as his face grew. In the first few weeks post surgery, the eye is over corrected, which means he cannot close or blink the eye at all. In order to keep it from drying out, we must apply saline drops to the eye every two hours at least, and ointment directly in the eye whenever he sleeps. Mil came for a visit one week post surgery to help babysit and was given these instructions. Her first day there, she decided that she would like to possibly take DS to the movies with her one friend. I had worked a 12 hour night shift and would be sleeping, so I said fine. I wake up at around 3pm to an empty house. My first thought: Car seat! She has no car seat! So I text her in a panic asking if she took DS out without a car seat. She responds: "we just used the seat belt." I'm livid, but willing to give the benefit of the doubt. She's from another country where 4 year olds don't typically use car seats, and she hasn't been around small children since DH was small. Okay. I respond: "that's super unsafe! He's not big enough for just a seatbelt! Not to mention that it's illegal!" I then call DH who then calls Mil to rip her a new one. She calls me after and says very nonchalantly: "We used the seat belt and it seemed to fit him just fine. Went over his shoulder and everything!" I reiterate that this is unsafe and illegal. She doesn't know what to say. So I ask where the was, so I could bring the car seat. When I get there, she walks up to me with that huge, creepy smile saying(sing songy): "Oh sorry I just wasn't thinking properly! I just keep thinking he's such a big man now, he's such a big man!" I wanted to throttle her! I explained the importance of him being in a car seat and she continues to laugh and giggle even though I'm clearly NOT amused. We then part ways. Several hours later, they're still not home. That's when it dwans on me: eye drops! I bet she didn't take any damn eye drops! I text her to ask her and she doesn't respond. About 15 minutes later she strolls in the door with DS smiling and talking to me about what they did and how nice of a time she had even though I'm clearly pissed at her. They had been gone for a total of 7 hours. I ask about the eye drops. Her response: "Oh, I guess I had forgotten about that." I then reiterated to her that he is supposed to get drops every two hours at the least and since they've been gone for 7 hours, that's three doses he's missed! "Oh well, yeah, I just gave some right before we left and I'll just give him some now!" In a no big deal tone of voice.
There's a lot more, but this has gotten long enough. My question to you is, do you think that she is truly that clueless and harmless? Or do you think that she is BSC and knows exactly what she's doing? I just have the hardest time believing that she is that stupid, but everyone treats her like this helpless innocent person who just doesn't know any better. She has always been a major point of contention between DH and I, because at first he blamed me for not having this wonderful relationship with her. He thought she was so nice and sweet, that there was no way that she could possibly be part of the reason why we aren't BFF's. He's finally come around to see that she needs some help and isn't quite right. But I'm just not 100% convinced that she really doesn't know any better. Help me out here ladies!
Ya: photo fix