I'm a little scared of posting on here but maybe I need a good dose of cold, hard, mean truth.
My older brother has always been mean to me. More than most older siblings he was often cruel and torturous. We all say that when I was born, he was jealous, started to hate me, and never stopped. So he would make me cry all the time as a child. He would beat me up as a kid. He went to the military when I was a teen and we had a brief stage of closeness aided by emails and distance. As he became an adult and I was a teen, we grew a tenuous relationship. Sometimes he would be a great older brother: take me out, talk to me, be nice. Other times he would flip out at me: scream at me, threaten me, etc. I always forgave him. When I was about 22, I finally put my foot down. I was planning my mom's 50th bday party and was nagging my siblings about answering my texts about what we could collectively afford. He got irritated at me, (I am also imperfect) and I snapped that I didn't understand why he couldn't just give me an answer. This set him off and he screamed at me that I was a little bitch and needed to learn respect and blah blah blah. At that point I cut him out of my life. I decided I couldnt have someone that tumultuous in my life. Where one day it was sunshine and candy. The next I was getting disrespected, threatened, and berated. It was abusive and I couldn't take it anymore. It became a huge deal in my family with my parents begging me to forgive him and trying to tell me that blood is thicker than water, yadda yadda. Eventually we got to a point we could be in the same room as each other but never speak. I would speak to his wife and children, he'll talk to my husband, but at most we'll nod to each other. I have given in and invited him to several of my life events to please my parents such as my wedding. Our coldness cooled off a little when his daughter got seriously ill. We all offered and started taking tests to see if we matched to donate a kidney to her.
Fast forward 6 years and I have a baby now. My brother and his family have seen the baby 2 or 3 times and LOVE him. They go crazy over him and play with him, are kind to him, and respectful of me as a parent (for example asking me what the baby can or can't do so they don't break any rules).
Today he texted me and asked if he and his daughters could come visit. I haven't responded. I don't know if I'm ready to let him back into my life! He's never apologized and even if he did, that wouldn't change our long history of him treating me like shit. I know he's changed a little because of raising his daughters but I know for a fact that he still has a bad temper. Just 2 or 3 months ago he went crazy angry at my other sister!
But at the same time, it's been a really long time. Am I being the overly stubborn bitch by continually cutting him out? Do I blackhole his text? If I decide I don't want him to come over,should I explain via text that while we can minimally socialize at gatherings, I'm not ready to have him back in my life? I haven't been angry at him in YEARS but I've still never really forgiven him.
How do you know when it's appropriate to forgive and end a time out? When should a cut out be forever?
My older brother has always been mean to me. More than most older siblings he was often cruel and torturous. We all say that when I was born, he was jealous, started to hate me, and never stopped. So he would make me cry all the time as a child. He would beat me up as a kid. He went to the military when I was a teen and we had a brief stage of closeness aided by emails and distance. As he became an adult and I was a teen, we grew a tenuous relationship. Sometimes he would be a great older brother: take me out, talk to me, be nice. Other times he would flip out at me: scream at me, threaten me, etc. I always forgave him. When I was about 22, I finally put my foot down. I was planning my mom's 50th bday party and was nagging my siblings about answering my texts about what we could collectively afford. He got irritated at me, (I am also imperfect) and I snapped that I didn't understand why he couldn't just give me an answer. This set him off and he screamed at me that I was a little bitch and needed to learn respect and blah blah blah. At that point I cut him out of my life. I decided I couldnt have someone that tumultuous in my life. Where one day it was sunshine and candy. The next I was getting disrespected, threatened, and berated. It was abusive and I couldn't take it anymore. It became a huge deal in my family with my parents begging me to forgive him and trying to tell me that blood is thicker than water, yadda yadda. Eventually we got to a point we could be in the same room as each other but never speak. I would speak to his wife and children, he'll talk to my husband, but at most we'll nod to each other. I have given in and invited him to several of my life events to please my parents such as my wedding. Our coldness cooled off a little when his daughter got seriously ill. We all offered and started taking tests to see if we matched to donate a kidney to her.
Fast forward 6 years and I have a baby now. My brother and his family have seen the baby 2 or 3 times and LOVE him. They go crazy over him and play with him, are kind to him, and respectful of me as a parent (for example asking me what the baby can or can't do so they don't break any rules).
Today he texted me and asked if he and his daughters could come visit. I haven't responded. I don't know if I'm ready to let him back into my life! He's never apologized and even if he did, that wouldn't change our long history of him treating me like shit. I know he's changed a little because of raising his daughters but I know for a fact that he still has a bad temper. Just 2 or 3 months ago he went crazy angry at my other sister!
But at the same time, it's been a really long time. Am I being the overly stubborn bitch by continually cutting him out? Do I blackhole his text? If I decide I don't want him to come over,should I explain via text that while we can minimally socialize at gatherings, I'm not ready to have him back in my life? I haven't been angry at him in YEARS but I've still never really forgiven him.
How do you know when it's appropriate to forgive and end a time out? When should a cut out be forever?