BG: Three years ago I cut off my father's mother. She's toxic, miserable and just a drain on one's happiness. She's like a dementor, draining everyone of all happiness. She's also emotionally abusive, and my father is her flying monkey. Normally he is not emotionally abusive but when it comes to her, he's got some kind of mental block that keeps him from being kind or mature about anything. He has countless times failed to protect myself, my brother and especially my mother from her shitty behavior. My mother is a saint, for all she's put up with.
Since then I've seen her a handful of times and practiced civility but didn't really speak to her. One word answers if she talked to me. I never told her why I was cutting her out of my life. However the night that I made the decision to CO I did stand up for myself then.
Last summer I went to visit my brother for my niece's birthday and she was visiting. I knew I'd be in her presence for two days straight. I made the best attempt I could to minimize our interactions and any drama involving her. I wanted really badly not to be left out of important family events just because everyone else has chosen to forgive her of her nastiness. I have too many memories of her shittyness that I've stuffed into a closet. Tonight they've been seeping out.
My brother has not really forgiven her, but my dad falls into a deep depression when his mom berates him for his offspring failing to fall into line and do her bidding, so he welcomes her into his house for special occasions as a result. /End BG
Yesterday my brother's family flew into town and stayed with my parents in my hometown, 30 minutes from where I live. I had initially planned on driving down with LO to see them all. But completely forgot to ask if ToxicGM would be there. I texted to ask my mom if she was coming and she said yes. I immediately said we could not come. They were having a birthday party for my niece today at their house, and with so many people I had decided it'd be OK if we came, as any chances for interaction would be minimal. But yesterday? Alone? I didn't feel safe or comfortable.
Today at the party there were a couple of times that she tried to talk to me and I just ignored her. At the end of the party I was changing LO's diaper and my DH was there, and he is nice to her when she talks to him, so she said bye to all of us, and grabbed LO's hand and kept holding it. Like fuck off! I'm changing his fucking diaper. Anyway, she did it then because we were tied down and I couldn't escape.
But here is why I am so angry I just can't deal with her toxicity anymore. My dad was talking to ODNi (is that older dear niece? Can't keep up with those abbreviations... let's just call her Sally), and basically said, you need to say good night to great-grandma, she said you never said good night to her. And you need to smile. And Sally who is stubborn and willful and can't be forced to do anything with people she doesn't like, refused. My dad said, if you don't say good night to her nicely I'm leaving and I'm not coming back. I'm not going to talk to you anymore. And she started crying.
You guys, I know it sounds like just the smallest little thing. But it made me feel so sick, and it brought back all these memories of how he used to ruin random days of my childhood, and all of my birthdays, because he would force me to interact with my emotionally abusive grandmother. Something just clicked in me. I realized, I cannot continue to be around her. I cannot continue to be around my father when he is around her. These are not healthy people, and even though my LO is only 2, he will soon be understanding how to reason, and I am not interested in my father emotionally blackmailing him too.
I am not willing to CO my dad. Because I am the only person in our family willing to stand up to my ToxicGM's bullshit, he knows he cannot get away with this stuff with me. I guess that's why he tries it with my brother's kids. Interactions with dad are fine as long as ToxicGM is not mentioned or involved.
But from this day forward I have just made a decision that I need to not be put in this situation again. So it means not seeing her ever again. LO not seeing her ever again. If someone invites us to something, I have to tell them. If ToxicGM is invited, we will not be attending.
I'm trying to figure out now how to tell this to my brother and my dad. My mom already knows, I rage-texted her after the party tonight. I am trying to figure out if I should write a letter or tell them in person. I will be seeing them tomorrow at a local family fair but I don't want to spoil everyone's good fun. And I am a better writer than I am talking in person. I thought maybe I could write a letter so I could remember all my talking points if the discussion comes up in person. I would appreciate any advice about this.
My thoughts are still jumbled about what I would say, but it would need to include the following:
- Me and LO will no longer attend any events where ToxicGM is present
- No FaceTimes with her with LO if I am not present. She is to have no interaction with him
- No sending her photos of LO
- What I witnessed last night with Sally saddened me and sickened me, and I will never allow my LO to be exposed to that kind of emotional blackmail
- I will bring up one prior incident of ToxicGM spitting on Sally
- and a few incidents from my childhood of how she emotionally punched me over and over again
What do you think? I know JADE-ing is not recommended but I would like to not be seen as controlling.