Longtime lurker, first time poster. I know the rules.
Before I get a barrage of "NOPE" based on my title, I need to explain the background as there are some special circumstances here and I worry that I am being a selfish asshole for feeling the way that I do.
Myself and my DW are currently living in the home that she grew up in. Her father passed away 20 years ago and her mother was unable to pay the bills herself, so within the last decade DW bought her mom out and is the legal owner of the home.
MIL spends 9 months of the year in her home country, and moves back "home" with us every year from October to January. When I met DW 7 years ago I knew that this was the case, and because I love her immensely and wanted to spend my life with her, I agreed to these living arrangements. Her mother was 74 at the time and was very independent for her age, so initially this wasn't a big problem.
Unfortunately, I didn't take it as well as I hoped to or thought I might, and her 3 months stays have grown increasingly stressful on me over the years. I have mild anxiety and trust issues and prefer to spend the majority of my time in the comfort of my home with the people that I love and trust. But for 3 months out of the year it feels as if I am a guest in my own home. Although I don't think that her mother has ill intent, there have been numerous accumulations of events that have led to her being my BEC:
- She has lived in my English speaking country for 50 years, initially spending 100% of her time here and not returning to her home country until about 30 years ago when she and her husband would divide their time between here and there. She has not bothered to learn much English and has used this as an excuse to a) avoid conversation with me and b) have her children run all over the place running errands for / with her.
- She does not contribute financially while she is here. I feel that if you're staying for a week or two you are a guest, but when you stay longer than that you are a resident of the house and should contribute. When someone is in your home, eating your food and using your electricity and water for 25% of the year it can add up. Not to mention the money spent in gas carting her around.
- She calls both of my children HER babies and is forever forcing them to come to her and kiss them. Last fall when she was here I was nearing the end of my maternity leave with my son and wanted to cherish our time together, so I would often take him to my room or take him out just the two of us, and I would come home to her crying and looking out the window. I feel that she uses my children for her emotional benefit and I don't believe that it should be their responsibility to make anyone else feel better. On top of this, she is in their face constantly. Maybe it's because I have my own issues with personal space, but I don't understand how she expects them to eat their dinner with her an inch from their face. I have told her to leave them alone when she has done this and she goes off to the couch to sulk.
I have spoken with DW about this and have explained that residing with someone who isn't her or my children makes me uncomfortable and causes stress and anxiety. Home is my reprive and if I can't go home and just be myself, then I don't want to be there. I recognize that this was her situation before I came into the picture and for this reason I feel like I have to put up with it. DW and I have had several arguments and it usually boils down to me being blamed for her deteriorating relationship with her mom and her threats of resentment when her mom passes away. I am usually told that because I agreed to this I should deal with it. Then there are alternating threats of "well let's just move and you can be the one to tell her she isn't coming with us". I grudgingly agree to allow this arrangement to continue, however I have a firm 3 MONTHS ONLY, NO MORE boundary.
Currently MIL is in her country and my SIL is there visiting. Apparently she is quite ill and is having trouble standing / walking / taking care of herself at all. SIL is scheduled to return next Monday and is trying to get MIL on the flight with her. Which means that she will be back 2 months early and I'm assuming she will not be returning to her country.
I don't want to put a sick woman out, and I don't want to be the bitch who has to tell her partner that I will no longer live with her elderly mother. But at the same time, I don't see this as a situation that I will ever be confortable with and I worry that it will ruin my relationship with DW for good. Sadly, if I were to ask her to choose between me and having her sick mother live with her, she would choose her mom. And maybe she should.
Am I a heartless bitch for not wanting her with us? Should I just put up with it because I "knew the sitaution" when I started dating DW? Is there a way of sensitively explaining or communiacting my feelings with DW without her turning this on me?
Thanks in advance, DWILers.
