I’ve posted about my heinous FMIL before. **Triggers in the post and in the comments of my previous post.**
TL;DR version is that she turned into Hagatha after our son died. She tried to control my DF’s grief and within two weeks after we buried our baby, pushed him to get over it. She also tried to compare her grief about almost losing her marriage and losing her dog to us losing our child. (While I’m not discounting her losses, it seemed as though she was trying to make our grief about her.)
We have been on ELC since then, although my DF flitters with wanting to CO her and his father. I BH all communication with FMIL and FFIL, especially when they text me because my DF has not answered them. In the fifteen months since our son died, we have seen them maybe four times, which is plenty for me.
Our big dilemma right now is whether or not to invite FMIL, FFIL, and FBIL and his wife to our wedding in November. They are not ones to aggressively cause drama, meaning on wedding day, they wouldn’t cause a shit storm. They would probably just sit with their CBFs and brood. They are more likely to be passive aggressive with comments leading up to our day, and then we’d never hear the end of it. For example, DF and I have decided that we are not having any bridesmaids or groomsmen. The only person who will be “part of” our wedding is my brother because he is our officiant. DF’s parents have made comments a few times to DF asking why FBIL is not in the wedding. DF told them no one was in the wedding; case closed, but I know they are butt hurt because precious FBIL is not “included”.
I REALLY don’t care for FBIL and his wife. I’m not sure if they legitimately have done something horrid or they are just my BEC. In the time since our son passed, neither of them have ever reached out to us. EVER. When we were planning a balloon release on our son’s birthday in May, we purposely did not invite them for this reason. They told FMIL and FFIL to tell us that they were hurt they were not invited. They couldn’t even tell us themselves. When my DF told FBIL why they were not invited, FBIL basically said, “I’m sorry you feel that way. This is something we should talk about. But now is not the time.” And hasn’t said anything since. DF’s parents have told us that we need to understand that our son’s death is hard for FBIL and his wife because their son is two weeks older than ours. But still alive. So I’m not quite sure how that works. (Again, I might not be seeing it because they’re my BEC.)
Anyway, my questions are these: 1) how do I help my DF navigate his feelings for his family without emoting for him? There have been several times I’ve had to bite my tongue when he starts talking about them because I want to unleash venom, but I know those are my feelings, not his. 2) Should we invite FMIL, FFIL, FBIL and his wife to the wedding? DF truly believes that if he does not, NO ONE in his family will show up because they’ll feel we’re being disrespectful to his family. And it would break his heart for none of his family to show up. 3) Should I cut FBIL and his wife some slack? Am I being unreasonable in my loathing of them??
ETA: mention of triggers in the beginning of my post.