My IL's have a long history of boundary stomping. I am part of a blended family however, so I am wondering where to draw the line and where to mind my own business. DH and I have been married a little over a year. We've been together 4 years. DH has a daughter (DSD) age 11 and I have a son (DS) age 10.
- ILs live out-of-state. They visit up to 5 times per year, each time staying anywhere from 7 to 14 days.
-IL are very enmeshed with DSD - they way overstep parenting boundaries. Examples: They set up a parent-teacher conference at DSD's school just for them and the teacher, they went to DSD's OT appointment and talked with the therapist about DSD's issues and therapy options, they say things to DSD about her weight after DH repeatedly told them not to, they constantly question DH's parenting decisions. I mention these things to DH, but at the end of the day, I'm not DSD's mom.
-After we got married, we made a week long trip to ILs to visit with both kids. They were terrible to DS and I told DH I will never, ever stay with them again. They often ignored DS when he spoke to them, reprimanded him very often for the same exact things DSD would be doing but she never got reprimanded (I was pissed to begin with that they wold reprimand him with me right there), and believed everything that DSD tattled on DS for. They even said to me, "We feel like your DS is going to hurt our grand daughter." The kids have normal sibling fights - nothing more.
-They were no nicer to me on the vacation. They complained if we were not all up and out the door by 8 am ("You will miss all the fun if you start late!") and complained to DH about everything I did.
-I told DH I wanted our 1st Christmas to be family time - just me, DH, DSD, and DS. ILs flipped! They have NEVER spent a Christmas away from DSD since she has been born. We told them they could come the day after. They pushed, sulked, threatened....ILs said "Everything will be over the day after!" "We feel like we are being punished b/c DS has no grandparents to spoil him!" and "We are your family too! We feel insignificant!" They ended up coming in on Christmas night. FIL told DH that next year they would come in before Christmas, like they usually do. They want to see DSD open her gifts on Christmas morning. DH said nothing!
-I very much limit the time I spend with ILs, for DS's sake. The last time I saw ILs, we were all going out to dinner. It was me, DH, DS, DSD, and ILs. When we got to the restaurant, MIL looked at the menu and said "There is nothing here DSD will eat!" before we even sat down. They walked out and we followed. I said, "DSD will eat more things than you think. She eats a variety of food with me." No response from anyone. We spent the next hour walking along the downtown strip area going into every restaurant and looking at the menu to make sure it would be ok for DSD. We ended up at a burger joint. DS, DH, and I are vegetarians.
So now the current issues: ILs just saw DSD at their house for 2 weeks in early July. They want to come visit DSD at our house in August. I told DH no - they JUST saw her. So then he agrees to meet them in California to visit his grandparents who "aren't going to be around much longer" in November as a compromise. During these trips, they usually visit said grandparents for half a day and spend the rest of the time at Disney Land. Of course myself and DS aren't going, but DS will be hurt that DSD gets to go to Disney and he doesn't (they take DSD to Disney for 4 days every year if they can). It creates resentment between DS and DSD b/c DSD gets so much attention and expensive trips/activities with ILs and the ILs bite my DS's head off if he speaks to them. I am pissed that DH didn't put his foot down but instead just compromised. Should I just be happy that I won't have to be seeing them?
Another issue is money. DH gets 20K per yer from IL's to pay for DSD's private education. And they pay for DSD and DH's trips to visit them and for DSD and DH to meet them in California each time they go to Disney. They have over 60K in DSD's college fund. I told DH he needs to cut off the money train. The ILs are entitled b/c they are contributing financially to DSD. DH has a hard time with this one b/c DSD will be entering middle school and he doesn't want to switch her school during the middle school years. And DSD's mom lives in an area with terrible public schools and she cannot contribute to the tuition. I get it...but we are being held hostage by their financial contributions.
I have talked to DH about this and he says he is trying...he is making teeny, tiny, baby steps. We were in counseling and I felt like the counselor was taking his side, so we stopped going. This led me to question myself and I feel like it gave DH the green light to not make boundaries. But I just cannot handle 5 visits per year with people who are nasty to my child and myself. I feel like now they are just trying to see DSD in other places besides our home, but DH goes on these trips too and DS and I are left out.
It doesn't feel like we are a family. And now they are already mentioning Christmas...
Which boundaries should I 100% make DH enforce? Its hard with DSD b/c I am not her mom and her mom is fine with the level of IL's involvement in her life. But it is creating a problem in my marriage! Things are strained between everyone now and I feel a little bit like its my fault. MIL even commented, "Things never used to be this hard!" Never being before myself and DS arrived on the scene...
Edited for length...and its still long!
