*Extremely long w BG info* I've posted once before asking about MIL spending too much on our baby and didn't have a spine and didn't listen to DWIL so surprise... I'm back and life is worse.
My husband and I have been together for five years, married for three. Before we ever even got engaged, it was put out on the table that in order for me to be happy and follow my very area specific career, I'd need to live six hours south of where we were. I offered a compromise of staying near his parents where we were living for five years while I finished my Masters degree. A deal was made, families were informed.
His parents had a VERY difficult time with it, acting as if we were betraying them, saying how they've 'helped' us so much, blah blah blah. His mom even privately told me that I should quit graduate school to plan our wedding (should have headed for the hills then...) and how I don't appreciate the opportunity he was given when he was hired as an RN at the hospital he works at. (Wtf? What about my opportunity and being accepted into grad school?!) It caused SO much strife between my DH and I (he didn't believe that his mom would say this stuff to me) that I ended up throwing down divorce papers one day and telling him that I was done playing second fiddle to his mom. Cue him panicking and agreeing to write them a letter stating that we were tired of being treated like children and that we just wanted to be respected and that we could continue with a relationship. His parents put us on TO for 4 months (prior to me knowing what a TO is) for daring to stand up to them.
Fast forward and I'm pregnant with our first child. Of course us moving gets brought up all the time but we just take it in stride. Everything goes mostly seamless save for a few stupid situations like MIL demanding to host a baby shower for us for 'their side' after we had a giant baby shower with like 80 people present. MIL's baby shower consisted of a bunch of old people from their church and zero friends or family. It was weird. She actually wasn't dramatic about not holding a leg, however apparently the moment my baby was born, she said that my baby was cute 'despite' being 7lb10oz.... So she called my baby fat. A few days after I'm home from my second hospital stay (HELLP Syndrome) MIL calls my husband and asks to have lunch with just him.... So I'm left with my mom and dad who were visiting from out of town (they're gold star, non-boundary stompers who cooked and cleaned and did whatever we needed) while he goes to lunch to see what the hell this is about. She proceeded to basically use this as a therapy session to tell him that she's depressed, she hasn't been herself in a while, MIL and FIL are having marriage issues, she's having heart problems (not true AT ALL.... Two cardiologists can't find crap wrong w her and have told her its panic attacks and she needs to take medication).
It seems like she can't stand not being the center of attention and she can't stand us being joyful. She always has to ruin it with some doom and gloom crap... Hence her taking him from his newborn baby to tell him how depressed she is, right?
Well we planned a sip and see when our DD was ten weeks old for my extended family to be able to meet her (they all live hours away). It was Saturday. We planned to stay with my parents for a week and the entire week we've been here, my MIL has felt the need to text us about how his grandpa (91 yo) is out of touch, is having troubles remembering things, can't process things, keeps telling people that he's never met our DD and she lives in Pennsylvania when we live in TX, etc. I don't understand why. Because we're spending time with my family enjoying ourselves?
Today we were supposed to leave and go back home, but we decided to stay 2 extra days so that my parents could watch DD and let us have time to look at different builders an hour away where we're planning to move (coordinating a 300 mile move AND buying our first home takes research, right?). We shot his parents a text just to let them know that we'd still be out of town so we could look into different builder and MIL lost her shit. Actual texts below:
DH: Hey, just wanted to let you know that we decided to stay until Tuesday morning. We wanted to have some more time to look at houses, and my schedule doesn't look like we'll have much time to do so in the next couple of months. There are a few builders we wanted to check out.
MIL: This is from mom to son, only! I knew this was going to happen when you spent so much time down there. My heart is broken. I can't stop crying! You can get mad at me, but I am hurt right now. I will shut up before I say something I will be sorry for. Have fun!!!!!
DH and I discuss and decide not to respond right away, if at all. Then FIL responds in the group text (paraphrased for lengths sake)
FIL: Have fun. Where are you guys looking?
DH: Tells him a few neighborhoods
FIL: How will that work for your commute to work?
DH: 20 min drive or less. Less than half of my drive now!
FIL: Based on your current work schedule?
*Hubby and I start raising our eyebrows... This is turning into an interrogation... But maybe we're reading too far into this?*
DH: Yes. Based on me still being an RN working 7-7.
FIL: Is this near the area with mosquito problems?
*Now this bastard is reaching...*
DH: No mosquito problems in the city.
FIL: Great have a good day.
This is seriously getting out of hand. After we spend the day looking at houses, my DH starts drafting a response text to his mom and reads it to me... It's seriously JADE-Y as hell so I vetoed it. He's explaining why we're looking at homes, assuring her that we aren't moving early, etc. I made him delete it. I personally think we shouldn't respond because it's just a) acknowledging her b) inviting a response aka drama and c) perpetuating what we've done wrong... Feeding them enough information that they feel like they are a part of our decision making process and that they get to have feelings and opinions about our move.
About her text... What do we do? BH? Moving forward, what do we do?
I'm just honestly so done. I am seriously considering just... Not acknowledging their existence. If they want to visit my kid, ok, I guess. I'll just do my errands while they visit DH and DD. But part of me feels like them having a close relationship with DD could be dangerous. My MIL clearly uses emotions to manipulate people and make them feel guilty when they don't fall in line and I don't want to open the door for her to do that to DD as she grows up. But I also don't want to be accused of using DD to punish people. And CLEARLY FIL is an enabler and FM.
What is she? What books do we need to read about her? She's SO good at making herself the victim and is forever and always crying her eyes out, depressed, stressed, hurt by whoever isn't falling into ranks... Is this narcissism? DH is trying to turn around and consider nuclear family first but we need to know how to approach this for her personality type.
*DH has link and is following responses*
My husband and I have been together for five years, married for three. Before we ever even got engaged, it was put out on the table that in order for me to be happy and follow my very area specific career, I'd need to live six hours south of where we were. I offered a compromise of staying near his parents where we were living for five years while I finished my Masters degree. A deal was made, families were informed.
His parents had a VERY difficult time with it, acting as if we were betraying them, saying how they've 'helped' us so much, blah blah blah. His mom even privately told me that I should quit graduate school to plan our wedding (should have headed for the hills then...) and how I don't appreciate the opportunity he was given when he was hired as an RN at the hospital he works at. (Wtf? What about my opportunity and being accepted into grad school?!) It caused SO much strife between my DH and I (he didn't believe that his mom would say this stuff to me) that I ended up throwing down divorce papers one day and telling him that I was done playing second fiddle to his mom. Cue him panicking and agreeing to write them a letter stating that we were tired of being treated like children and that we just wanted to be respected and that we could continue with a relationship. His parents put us on TO for 4 months (prior to me knowing what a TO is) for daring to stand up to them.
Fast forward and I'm pregnant with our first child. Of course us moving gets brought up all the time but we just take it in stride. Everything goes mostly seamless save for a few stupid situations like MIL demanding to host a baby shower for us for 'their side' after we had a giant baby shower with like 80 people present. MIL's baby shower consisted of a bunch of old people from their church and zero friends or family. It was weird. She actually wasn't dramatic about not holding a leg, however apparently the moment my baby was born, she said that my baby was cute 'despite' being 7lb10oz.... So she called my baby fat. A few days after I'm home from my second hospital stay (HELLP Syndrome) MIL calls my husband and asks to have lunch with just him.... So I'm left with my mom and dad who were visiting from out of town (they're gold star, non-boundary stompers who cooked and cleaned and did whatever we needed) while he goes to lunch to see what the hell this is about. She proceeded to basically use this as a therapy session to tell him that she's depressed, she hasn't been herself in a while, MIL and FIL are having marriage issues, she's having heart problems (not true AT ALL.... Two cardiologists can't find crap wrong w her and have told her its panic attacks and she needs to take medication).
It seems like she can't stand not being the center of attention and she can't stand us being joyful. She always has to ruin it with some doom and gloom crap... Hence her taking him from his newborn baby to tell him how depressed she is, right?
Well we planned a sip and see when our DD was ten weeks old for my extended family to be able to meet her (they all live hours away). It was Saturday. We planned to stay with my parents for a week and the entire week we've been here, my MIL has felt the need to text us about how his grandpa (91 yo) is out of touch, is having troubles remembering things, can't process things, keeps telling people that he's never met our DD and she lives in Pennsylvania when we live in TX, etc. I don't understand why. Because we're spending time with my family enjoying ourselves?
Today we were supposed to leave and go back home, but we decided to stay 2 extra days so that my parents could watch DD and let us have time to look at different builders an hour away where we're planning to move (coordinating a 300 mile move AND buying our first home takes research, right?). We shot his parents a text just to let them know that we'd still be out of town so we could look into different builder and MIL lost her shit. Actual texts below:
DH: Hey, just wanted to let you know that we decided to stay until Tuesday morning. We wanted to have some more time to look at houses, and my schedule doesn't look like we'll have much time to do so in the next couple of months. There are a few builders we wanted to check out.
MIL: This is from mom to son, only! I knew this was going to happen when you spent so much time down there. My heart is broken. I can't stop crying! You can get mad at me, but I am hurt right now. I will shut up before I say something I will be sorry for. Have fun!!!!!
DH and I discuss and decide not to respond right away, if at all. Then FIL responds in the group text (paraphrased for lengths sake)
FIL: Have fun. Where are you guys looking?
DH: Tells him a few neighborhoods
FIL: How will that work for your commute to work?
DH: 20 min drive or less. Less than half of my drive now!
FIL: Based on your current work schedule?
*Hubby and I start raising our eyebrows... This is turning into an interrogation... But maybe we're reading too far into this?*
DH: Yes. Based on me still being an RN working 7-7.
FIL: Is this near the area with mosquito problems?
*Now this bastard is reaching...*
DH: No mosquito problems in the city.
FIL: Great have a good day.
This is seriously getting out of hand. After we spend the day looking at houses, my DH starts drafting a response text to his mom and reads it to me... It's seriously JADE-Y as hell so I vetoed it. He's explaining why we're looking at homes, assuring her that we aren't moving early, etc. I made him delete it. I personally think we shouldn't respond because it's just a) acknowledging her b) inviting a response aka drama and c) perpetuating what we've done wrong... Feeding them enough information that they feel like they are a part of our decision making process and that they get to have feelings and opinions about our move.
About her text... What do we do? BH? Moving forward, what do we do?
I'm just honestly so done. I am seriously considering just... Not acknowledging their existence. If they want to visit my kid, ok, I guess. I'll just do my errands while they visit DH and DD. But part of me feels like them having a close relationship with DD could be dangerous. My MIL clearly uses emotions to manipulate people and make them feel guilty when they don't fall in line and I don't want to open the door for her to do that to DD as she grows up. But I also don't want to be accused of using DD to punish people. And CLEARLY FIL is an enabler and FM.
What is she? What books do we need to read about her? She's SO good at making herself the victim and is forever and always crying her eyes out, depressed, stressed, hurt by whoever isn't falling into ranks... Is this narcissism? DH is trying to turn around and consider nuclear family first but we need to know how to approach this for her personality type.
*DH has link and is following responses*
