Firstly, I'm anon because fiancé knows my account and just incase I don't want him finding this. Will absolutely cf if needed.
I've been a lurker on here for a while, and know you ladies give it straight and have good advice. While I'm more the type who runs from confrontation and tries to keep everyone happy I know I have some problems and need help being more assertive and setting boundaries and whatnot. Also, please forgive if I use incorrect abbreviations, like I said more of a lurker.
Future in laws are extremely kind and generous people. Have always helped if there is a problem, financially or coming over to help watch DD, or help around the house if needed.
My fiancé and I started out pretty rocky. I got pregnant within the first two weeks of dating him and during the first part of my pregnancy he and I constantly fought, mostly due to my outrageous hormones and him and I not really knowing each other. After that, he and I really fell for each other. Although it was really early in our relationship we decided to move in together and start our family together. We hit a few bumps but really everything is amazing. Future in laws put a downpayment on a house for us, and fiancé moved us in. DD was born and I am lucky enough fiancé makes enough that I can stay home raising our DD.
Since DD was born I feel I am a little too overprotective of her and FMIL started becoming my BEC. There were little things she did or said that just rubbed me the wrong way but nothing major until Christmas time.
Christmas comes around and his family was coming by our house to celebrate with us. A half hour before they were due here FMIL called fiancé and let him know his drug addicted sister would be joining. I had never met her prior, all I heard about her was she was a serious drug addict and had been in jail because she robbed her parents (my future in laws) home. Fiancé (SO at the time) was pretty upset about it but FMIL insisted because family. After, before everyone left we took a family photo. SO asked who would take it and she replied "(me) can take it!". So FMIL held my daughter next to her daughter who hadn't been seen or heard from in over two years while I get to take it. After FFIL said "_____ get in there. I'll take one of you and everyone else". I really was grateful. Later that day I was checking debil and saw on my feed FMIL posted the picture with everyone (including my daughter) that I had taken, captioned "merry Christmas from our entire family to yours". The whole situation bugged me but I kept my mouth shut as I'm not family, yet.
Over the next few months nothing as bad as that happened. Just small little things that made her even more my bec than she was.
Smaller examples include when I took my DD to my parents house (she sees my parents once every two weeks because they live farther away), the next time FMIL saw and tried to hold DD and DD cried FMIL said it was because she doesn't see her often enough (we see her once a week) and said to my DD "I know you don't cry at your other grandparents house because your mommy takes you to see them more". Eye roll. But again, I kept my mouth shut.
So I know I'll probably get a lot of flack for seeing future in laws every week but I'll explain a little. We live in a tiny town. We go to the next town over to go shopping for the week and in laws happen to live in that town right next to the grocery store. So stop by for a short visit and then load up on groceries for the week. Where it does get a little bothersome is if we skip a weekend because we don't feel like it then FMIL will text me during the week asking to come by to spend a little time with DD. As a stay at home mom and not wanting to be rude I oblige and tell her the best day for her to visit.
I caught FMIL kissing my DD on the lips when I'm not looking. It bothers me. I know some parents kiss their kids on the lips, and that's fine. Fiancé and I personally don't, but I don't see anything wrong with a PARENT doing it, which she is not. When I caught her I didn't really say anything, just kind of swooped in and took DD saying she needed to eat and took her in my bedroom.
Also I know baby butts are adorable, especially under clothes with a big poofy diaper but I saw her petting dds butt while DD was laying on the floor playing. I just got weird vibes from it.
FMIL is also constantly putting dds hands in her mouth, which I'm not comfortable with, but I don't really know how to address it.
Now onto this past week which had been too eventful for my liking or comfort and now I know I can't keep my mouth shut forever. I just need advice and help going about it because like I said before I hate confrontation and I try so hard to keep the peace that saying something is so out of character for me and I don't know what to even say.
This past week my fiancé was diagnosed with pneumonia. He has been in a lot of pain, in bed for a few days, and just so miserable. The day he got the diagnosis he told future in laws, and FMIL came by the house to see how he was doing and see DD. I opened the door for her, fiancé was in the kitchen eating soup. As soon as I opened the door she looks at me and goes "how's our boy doing". Is that normal? Our boy? I go to fiancé who had finished his soup and he asks me when he should take his next antibiotic, the doc said two a day but didn't say times. I told him one every 12 hours. He turns to FMIL and asked her the same fucking question. She responded the same as I had said. I look at him kind of angrily and said "I just told you that two seconds ago" I just felt like he still had to run things by mommy. Gag. She also printed out a five page report from web md about pneumonia and told him to go over it. Um k. I mean the doc explained it, I explained it (I have a little medical work background) and he already looked it up to see what he could do at home to help but I'm sure your report is more important.
Anyway, fiancé just started feeling better and today was his first day back at work. His moms retirement party was this morning too. They work at the same place so he was able to attend. She invited me too although it's not her official party (that's this sat). I think she mostly just wanted to show off my DD but was fine to go so we did. She tried taking my DD and introducing her to everyone but DD cried the second she left me so FMIL had to hand her back. (At least I taught her that much, she used to turn her back to me and tell me she needs to learn that it's ok for grandma to hold her and she can't always have her mommy). Anyway FMIL would introduce everyone but me to everyone there. I didn't say anything, again. Didn't want to ruin her big day. Then after the 20 something person came by our table a man I hadn't seen before (who happened to be the main boss of the whole place) came by and FMIL again ignored me and points to my DD who is sitting on my lap saying " and that beautiful girl is my grand baby!", word for word this man said "stop. You should know you always introduce the mother first.", extended his hand out to me and said "what's your name honey?" He was the first person to ask me my name all day, and not only that, told FMIL off and corrected her thinking. I must have had the stupidest looking grin on my face, but I couldn't stop smiling. Fiancé was there the entire time and never corrected her when she skipped over me or anything, although in his defense he really wasn't paying attention and was still groggy from being sick.
Later on, FMIL was going to drive me and DD home since I couldn't bring my car on base. Fiancé is loading the car seat in her car and says to DD who I was holding "can mama hold you so we can load the car seat?" And pointed for FMIL to take her. He's had slips like this before. He truly doesn't mean to call her mama too but he does slip like this every once in a while. I corrected him, and said no, that's grandma. He responds "ah damn I did it again". FMIL says "oh it's okay, I don't mind that". I look at DD and point and say "no, that's grandma".
Then lastly. After that Christmas ordeal fiancés sister, fmils daughter disappeared again. FFIL called us last week and let us know she was arrested and will be in jail for about six months. He also told us when she was admitted they did a blood test and the results came back that she has a very serious, transmittable, incurable blood disease that will eventually kill her. Apparently that was a wake up call for her and she's cleaning her act up in jail and when she is released she will be going back to her parents and living with them. Prior to this, FMIL was going to take my DD when DD and I are ready so I could go back to work. DD is breastfed and will not take a bottle, or sippy cup, straw or regular cup and has a very sensitive gag reflex so as per her pediatrician we need to continue breastfeeding so she gets the proper nutrition and hydration until she is able to eat more solids and drink anything from a cup. Even though we have a little while to go, I feel by the time DD is ready and can manage without my boobs for a while, fmils daughter will be out of jail and between her daughter and FMIL playing mommy/being too touchy I'm not comfortable with my daughter in that situation. Or staying overnight so she can make cookies with FMIL which she's been kind of pressuring. My kid isn't even one yet. She's not baking cookies for quite a while.
So just one last thing to add. FMIL is very motherly to everyone. She's a very sweet, giving person, who happens to be my bec so I don't know if I'm blowing the mommy thing out of proportion since she is a motherly type person.
Also, at times I feel (like with the antibiotic question) from fiancé that he's too much of a mommas boy and trusts her opinion over mine. There have been similar instances but as I'm already at novel length won't get into right now, unless asked.
So Dwil, am I blowing my FMIL being too motherly out of proportion?
How do I address me being uncomfortable with fmils touchiness with my DD? Do I bring it up to fiancé or talk to her?
How can I help my fiancé transition his relationship with his mom to me being the one he goes to first without having to check with his mom after?
Also, as it just came up and he's been sick I haven't talked to him about me not being comfortable with FMIL watching DD while I work in the future. I do know that he doesn't want my DD around his sister at all but I'm waiting until after fmils retirement party tomorrow and until he feels completely better to address it with him.
If you've gotten this far I really appreciate it, DD is due to wake up from her nap and we have to go into town to get a few things so if I don't reply for a little while I'm not hair flipping, I'll reply as often as I can.
I've been a lurker on here for a while, and know you ladies give it straight and have good advice. While I'm more the type who runs from confrontation and tries to keep everyone happy I know I have some problems and need help being more assertive and setting boundaries and whatnot. Also, please forgive if I use incorrect abbreviations, like I said more of a lurker.
Future in laws are extremely kind and generous people. Have always helped if there is a problem, financially or coming over to help watch DD, or help around the house if needed.
My fiancé and I started out pretty rocky. I got pregnant within the first two weeks of dating him and during the first part of my pregnancy he and I constantly fought, mostly due to my outrageous hormones and him and I not really knowing each other. After that, he and I really fell for each other. Although it was really early in our relationship we decided to move in together and start our family together. We hit a few bumps but really everything is amazing. Future in laws put a downpayment on a house for us, and fiancé moved us in. DD was born and I am lucky enough fiancé makes enough that I can stay home raising our DD.
Since DD was born I feel I am a little too overprotective of her and FMIL started becoming my BEC. There were little things she did or said that just rubbed me the wrong way but nothing major until Christmas time.
Christmas comes around and his family was coming by our house to celebrate with us. A half hour before they were due here FMIL called fiancé and let him know his drug addicted sister would be joining. I had never met her prior, all I heard about her was she was a serious drug addict and had been in jail because she robbed her parents (my future in laws) home. Fiancé (SO at the time) was pretty upset about it but FMIL insisted because family. After, before everyone left we took a family photo. SO asked who would take it and she replied "(me) can take it!". So FMIL held my daughter next to her daughter who hadn't been seen or heard from in over two years while I get to take it. After FFIL said "_____ get in there. I'll take one of you and everyone else". I really was grateful. Later that day I was checking debil and saw on my feed FMIL posted the picture with everyone (including my daughter) that I had taken, captioned "merry Christmas from our entire family to yours". The whole situation bugged me but I kept my mouth shut as I'm not family, yet.
Over the next few months nothing as bad as that happened. Just small little things that made her even more my bec than she was.
Smaller examples include when I took my DD to my parents house (she sees my parents once every two weeks because they live farther away), the next time FMIL saw and tried to hold DD and DD cried FMIL said it was because she doesn't see her often enough (we see her once a week) and said to my DD "I know you don't cry at your other grandparents house because your mommy takes you to see them more". Eye roll. But again, I kept my mouth shut.
So I know I'll probably get a lot of flack for seeing future in laws every week but I'll explain a little. We live in a tiny town. We go to the next town over to go shopping for the week and in laws happen to live in that town right next to the grocery store. So stop by for a short visit and then load up on groceries for the week. Where it does get a little bothersome is if we skip a weekend because we don't feel like it then FMIL will text me during the week asking to come by to spend a little time with DD. As a stay at home mom and not wanting to be rude I oblige and tell her the best day for her to visit.
I caught FMIL kissing my DD on the lips when I'm not looking. It bothers me. I know some parents kiss their kids on the lips, and that's fine. Fiancé and I personally don't, but I don't see anything wrong with a PARENT doing it, which she is not. When I caught her I didn't really say anything, just kind of swooped in and took DD saying she needed to eat and took her in my bedroom.
Also I know baby butts are adorable, especially under clothes with a big poofy diaper but I saw her petting dds butt while DD was laying on the floor playing. I just got weird vibes from it.
FMIL is also constantly putting dds hands in her mouth, which I'm not comfortable with, but I don't really know how to address it.
Now onto this past week which had been too eventful for my liking or comfort and now I know I can't keep my mouth shut forever. I just need advice and help going about it because like I said before I hate confrontation and I try so hard to keep the peace that saying something is so out of character for me and I don't know what to even say.
This past week my fiancé was diagnosed with pneumonia. He has been in a lot of pain, in bed for a few days, and just so miserable. The day he got the diagnosis he told future in laws, and FMIL came by the house to see how he was doing and see DD. I opened the door for her, fiancé was in the kitchen eating soup. As soon as I opened the door she looks at me and goes "how's our boy doing". Is that normal? Our boy? I go to fiancé who had finished his soup and he asks me when he should take his next antibiotic, the doc said two a day but didn't say times. I told him one every 12 hours. He turns to FMIL and asked her the same fucking question. She responded the same as I had said. I look at him kind of angrily and said "I just told you that two seconds ago" I just felt like he still had to run things by mommy. Gag. She also printed out a five page report from web md about pneumonia and told him to go over it. Um k. I mean the doc explained it, I explained it (I have a little medical work background) and he already looked it up to see what he could do at home to help but I'm sure your report is more important.
Anyway, fiancé just started feeling better and today was his first day back at work. His moms retirement party was this morning too. They work at the same place so he was able to attend. She invited me too although it's not her official party (that's this sat). I think she mostly just wanted to show off my DD but was fine to go so we did. She tried taking my DD and introducing her to everyone but DD cried the second she left me so FMIL had to hand her back. (At least I taught her that much, she used to turn her back to me and tell me she needs to learn that it's ok for grandma to hold her and she can't always have her mommy). Anyway FMIL would introduce everyone but me to everyone there. I didn't say anything, again. Didn't want to ruin her big day. Then after the 20 something person came by our table a man I hadn't seen before (who happened to be the main boss of the whole place) came by and FMIL again ignored me and points to my DD who is sitting on my lap saying " and that beautiful girl is my grand baby!", word for word this man said "stop. You should know you always introduce the mother first.", extended his hand out to me and said "what's your name honey?" He was the first person to ask me my name all day, and not only that, told FMIL off and corrected her thinking. I must have had the stupidest looking grin on my face, but I couldn't stop smiling. Fiancé was there the entire time and never corrected her when she skipped over me or anything, although in his defense he really wasn't paying attention and was still groggy from being sick.
Later on, FMIL was going to drive me and DD home since I couldn't bring my car on base. Fiancé is loading the car seat in her car and says to DD who I was holding "can mama hold you so we can load the car seat?" And pointed for FMIL to take her. He's had slips like this before. He truly doesn't mean to call her mama too but he does slip like this every once in a while. I corrected him, and said no, that's grandma. He responds "ah damn I did it again". FMIL says "oh it's okay, I don't mind that". I look at DD and point and say "no, that's grandma".
Then lastly. After that Christmas ordeal fiancés sister, fmils daughter disappeared again. FFIL called us last week and let us know she was arrested and will be in jail for about six months. He also told us when she was admitted they did a blood test and the results came back that she has a very serious, transmittable, incurable blood disease that will eventually kill her. Apparently that was a wake up call for her and she's cleaning her act up in jail and when she is released she will be going back to her parents and living with them. Prior to this, FMIL was going to take my DD when DD and I are ready so I could go back to work. DD is breastfed and will not take a bottle, or sippy cup, straw or regular cup and has a very sensitive gag reflex so as per her pediatrician we need to continue breastfeeding so she gets the proper nutrition and hydration until she is able to eat more solids and drink anything from a cup. Even though we have a little while to go, I feel by the time DD is ready and can manage without my boobs for a while, fmils daughter will be out of jail and between her daughter and FMIL playing mommy/being too touchy I'm not comfortable with my daughter in that situation. Or staying overnight so she can make cookies with FMIL which she's been kind of pressuring. My kid isn't even one yet. She's not baking cookies for quite a while.
So just one last thing to add. FMIL is very motherly to everyone. She's a very sweet, giving person, who happens to be my bec so I don't know if I'm blowing the mommy thing out of proportion since she is a motherly type person.
Also, at times I feel (like with the antibiotic question) from fiancé that he's too much of a mommas boy and trusts her opinion over mine. There have been similar instances but as I'm already at novel length won't get into right now, unless asked.
So Dwil, am I blowing my FMIL being too motherly out of proportion?
How do I address me being uncomfortable with fmils touchiness with my DD? Do I bring it up to fiancé or talk to her?
How can I help my fiancé transition his relationship with his mom to me being the one he goes to first without having to check with his mom after?
Also, as it just came up and he's been sick I haven't talked to him about me not being comfortable with FMIL watching DD while I work in the future. I do know that he doesn't want my DD around his sister at all but I'm waiting until after fmils retirement party tomorrow and until he feels completely better to address it with him.
If you've gotten this far I really appreciate it, DD is due to wake up from her nap and we have to go into town to get a few things so if I don't reply for a little while I'm not hair flipping, I'll reply as often as I can.
