Warning, this will be long because I tend to ramble, and there will be a trigger.
I have a very close family, my sister (we'll call her sister2) and I were very close until she moved a few hours away due to career change for her and her partner so now I don't get to see her very often. They are engaged and to be married in June, I know it's a little bit early to be so wrapped up in what I'm going to do ten months from now but here I am anyway. I feel as though if I don't go to her wedding she will be hurt and furious, and I am sure the rest of my family will feel the same way. Problem being I don't like my Dad, I don't talk to my Dad, I have no interest in seeing my Dad. She's having my Dad ordain the wedding.
A little background, and trigger, is we believe my Dad to be a sexual predator. I say believe, because nothing has been 100% confirmed because my oldest sister (sister1) won't talk about it and for whatever reason my mom didn't report her suspicions when she had them, she just left him. (I don't feel it's totally relevant, but if needed I can share the dozens of red flags and incidents that lead us to our belief. Sister1 will not confirm anything and we won't press her to.) She tried to get sister1 into counseling but it never took off, the actual therapists had a ridiculous waiting list regardless of how many calls she made and the school did as much as they could but it amounted to nothing. The system was flawed back then. Because sister1 was a straight A student and wasn't causing problems in class they didn't think she was a problem, because of this she is so screwed up. I say that in a loving way, she has so many emotional problems and has never fully taken off as an adult. We have no doubt that she was assaulted, but without actual proof or her verbally confirming it we will continue to refer to it as "strong suspicion" we have a concerns about some red flags and suspicions for sister2 but much less so and emotionally and mentally is much more stable.
I understand to an extent why my Mom stayed for so long, in classic abuser fashion he moved her hours away from home, when she started making friends at their new town he moved her again, granted her with a lovely STD she can't cure (though still denies to this day that he gave it to her. My mom being very young and very stupid and very inexperienced sexually totally believed him when he said he got sores because he was "too big and slept on his stomach" no, seriously.) he stripped her of her job, refused to let her work, refused to give her money, refused to buy the kids simple things like new shoes or socks, he was a classic abuser but she stayed for almost four years. Had she not, I wouldn't be here, but I do blame her to an extent. I know what happens to the mind state of those in an abusive relationship and how trapped she must have felt but I still feel like had she reported her suspicions we wouldn't be in this situation to begin with. But she didn't.
She did finally leave him, moved home, but obviously oldest sister is pretty screwed up. Because my mom had no job, no degree, was living with grandma, and Dad had a bachelors, good management job, well known in the church community and much more money than she, she bought into his scare tactics and without a fuss agreed to letting him have us a few weeks in the summer and around holidays, she would go with us every time until we were older. I had no idea what kind of husband and abuser he was until I was older, maybe preteen, my oldest sister and I didn't want to go to his house but the middle (one who is getting married) still wanted to go and my mom refused to let her go by herself, she kept asking and asking and pressing the matter so my mom finally told us why she couldn't go alone because she simply didn't trust Dad. I won't lie and say I don't hold it against her, but this isn't about Mom.
I wasn't crazy about him already, but you can imagine how that sits with someone, finding out their dad is a sexual predator, I think I was around 11 at the time. Needless to say, we didn't see him much after that point. My grandfather had a stroke when I was 14 and to make matters worse he was roomed in the hospital with someone who was either on drugs or a schizophrenic and he tried to kill my grandfather so we obviously went up to see him and my Dad was naturally there. We had minimal amount of communication until I was about 16. Sister2 had gone to college, was a little closer to Dad instead of being three hours away he was only one hour away and started seeing him, the grandparents, and my aunt regularly. She had her first boyfriend, and the first time they went to DTD she started to sob, called my mom bawling that she had had a flash back about Dad trying to do something to her and that was it for me. Sister1 seems totally indifferent to everything, like numb, sister2 for whatever reason strongly wants Dad in our lives, I called him and called him out. 16 years old lol, told him I knew what he did even if no one else would say it and I needed to hear him admit to it, he refused and I told him I wanted nothing else to do with him.
Years later, grandma and grandpa die, just weeks apart from each other. We attend the viewing and funeral, I've at this point found God in my life and I feel like as a Christian I have to be a forgiving person. I know I will get flamed immensely for this, but I thought I was failing as a Christian and as a sister if I continued to cut him out as Sister2 so wanted him in our lives still and the Bible speaks of respecting and loving your father, all sins are equal, forgiveness, blah blah blah. I thought I could do it. Tolerate him twice a year with other people always around. I honestly thought I could do it. I know I will get flamed immensely for it, but I thought I could do it, tolerate him twice a year, make sure there were always other people around or in a public place so the boys would be safe, twice a year for a few hours.
It was awful. I would have anxiety for weeks to months just knowing "in two months he'll come up and take us to dinner" I couldn't look forward to Christmas or the boys birthdays knowing he would be there, I was a wreck, he would leave and I would just cry and cry and cry because I hated him so much but I still thought I had to tolerate him. Just twice a year, for my sister, to be a good Christian. I feel so bad for SO, and so grateful for him also, for literally having to pick me up off the floor in the worst break downs of my life because I had to see this man.
He got a promotion, suddenly he was a district manager of this chain of nursing homes, he would be able to come visit more often because there were several within an hour of us. I remember I was at work when my sister called to tell me, she said that he would be in town for two days, he wanted to see his grandchildren, they wanted to take them to the park or something I don't even remember but I remember I had to work. I told her no, she insisted her and her DH and sister1 would be there as well and I said no again, it was one thing to let him around at all, but to let him around my kids when SO and I weren't there? I got off the phone and I just cried, it was one of the only times I've ever cried at work, I'm pretty good at keeping my personal life and professional life separate but I was just done. Twice a year was hard enough. With a lot of prayer, and speaking to other Christians, they helped me to cope and insisted I wasn't failing my religion by refusing to allow this man in my life.
I cut him out and didn't look back. He visits sister2 for every holiday and gives her Easter baskets to pass onto the boys (something he insisted my mom could not do for us because that's not what Easter is about and didn't want to confuse us, it's about Christ, not bunnies) Valentine's day candies, Christmas presents (also something he told my mom he didn't want to do. It was one of the only things she really fought him about, he said to let us believe in Santa would be "lying to us") and cards and she delivers them to us. I don't want them. I don't want the kids to have anything from him, I don't want anything from him. I refuse to be listed as his beneficiary, sister2 is now the only one listed. She can have his house and his cars and everything he owns. I don't want it. He had skin cancer a few years back and when he told us he said to my mom "I'd like to talk to my girls alone for a few minutes" and I was more angry at him for calling us "his girls" than I was upset (I wasn't) that he told us he had cancer.
Now sister2 is to be married in June and she doesn't want him to walk her down the aisle, she wants him to ordain the wedding. Did I mention he's a pastor? He steered me away from Christ for a long time. I don't want to miss her wedding obviously, it's important to her, she wants me to be a brides maid, she wants the boys to be her flower boys and hold the rings, she wants us involved. But I've cut him out. I don't want to see him, I don't want to be in the same building or church or city as him. Mom says to just walk away if he tries to talk to me, the day is about Sister2, not me and BD. And I agree, it's her day, if she wants him there she can have him there but I'm on the fence as to whether or not I can be there.
I'm sick of this. Cutting him out just to have circumstances pull us back, (Gpa stroke, funerals, now the wedding) I just want this man out of our lives permanently. I don't know if I can do that to my sister though, to not have myself or her nephews at her wedding. I just don't understand. She says she forgives him, he has no body, she feels bad for him etc. I told her she's allowed to want him in her life, he's her father, it's natural to an extent, but I don't and I hate that I'm in this position. To tolerate him for a few hours and risk his trying to weasel his way back into our lives, or to miss my sister's wedding and have her and my family angry with me for not only not going myself but keeping the boys from it. I think she would be angry, but eventually okay with me not being there but the boys (ODS will be 6 and YDS 4 at the time of wedding) not being there would break her heart. I don't know what to do.
