Dear women of DWIL,
I am new to this board and wished I had discovered this community 2 years ago. I have to say that English isn't my native language so pardon my grammar.
I have three problems I desperately need to discuss.
1. Me and the lack of assertivity I posses.
2. My DuH who is afraid of responsibility
3. My crazy and dominant MIL who thinks she is the boss and superior to all people.
(Some background info. I had DD in august of 2015. She is the first child of DuH and I. DuH has a 15.year old son from a previous relationship).
Since I announced that I was pregnant my MIL was over the moon because she got to be a grandmother for the second time. All she could talk about was that she was going to be a GP and that grandma's are so special. And that nobody was happier than she was. My first sign that we were heading for problems. She also said she was so happy and feeling a bit pregnant now that I was pregnant.
At 9 weeks she wanted to touch my "belly". I allowed her to do that but felt violated afterwards and discussed this with my DUH. Next time she asked to touch my belly I said no I don't like people touching my belly except for DuH. He than stepped in and said she couldn't touch me. I tought he finaly understood how inappropriate her question was. She than loudly said. But that's MY grandchild!!!! Since then I didn't feel much of need to share any info with her or visit very often.
I had numerous situations with this woman were she made passive-aggressive or just crazy comments. She made my first months with my baby very stressful. She resented me for not having her at my delivery. For not letting her come to the hospital immediately. She started to make comments to my DD like "do you see mommy or do you see milk?" Whenever she was crying in her arms. Attempts to degrade me to just a milksupply for DD. She would pause for a few seconds when I told her to hand me over DD so I could change her or feed her. As if she wouldnt want to give her back. She would come over and hold my 8 weeks old DD tightly to her chest to what I think let her smell her perfume. She would give me back my DD smelling like her. My Duh would tell her on several occasions to not put perfume on when she would visit us. To not kiss her on the mouth (disgusting). She would neglect al his comments.
And I was sooo weak, I suffered from PPD and anxiety. I never told her that. She sensed something was off so she took her chance to tear me down with her comments and presence. Instead of helping me. Especially since I have no family to rely on. My MIL is the oldest of 9 kids in her family. They are very close and crazy.
She also would encourage my duh son to "protect" his little sister and that she taught that he would be soooo protective that he wouldn't let US (me, she and duh) anywhere near her. She is very close with him (poisoning this boy's mind) so he takes everything she says very serious. This led to situations where I needed to ask him to step aside from te crib so I could take my DD out. He would sort of block me standing over the crib looking at her. She made him feel that he is some sort of way entitled to his little sister even above me, her own mother. He loves his sister very much but I can see the hidden agenda of MIL. I'm starting to think that she needs other tactics to have my DD so she encourages her grandson to be the best friend and ultimate protector of DD. All to give her more acces in the future.
My duh isn't always on my side and often brushes my concerns off. And says that I need to step up. He is afraid of his mother I guess. She always Guilts him in to calling her, visiting her using her best card. The death of his father when he was 9 years old. This was a big tragedy for all them but she uses it when she doesn't get her way.
So ladies, what advice would you give me in this situation where I
1. need to deal with a MIL who uses her grandson against me,
2. who has her claws very deep in duh who is torn between growing up/protecting his family and meeting her needs,
3. ME being so weak!
I will post more info to get a more clear picture in comments.
I am new to this board and wished I had discovered this community 2 years ago. I have to say that English isn't my native language so pardon my grammar.
I have three problems I desperately need to discuss.
1. Me and the lack of assertivity I posses.
2. My DuH who is afraid of responsibility
3. My crazy and dominant MIL who thinks she is the boss and superior to all people.
(Some background info. I had DD in august of 2015. She is the first child of DuH and I. DuH has a 15.year old son from a previous relationship).
Since I announced that I was pregnant my MIL was over the moon because she got to be a grandmother for the second time. All she could talk about was that she was going to be a GP and that grandma's are so special. And that nobody was happier than she was. My first sign that we were heading for problems. She also said she was so happy and feeling a bit pregnant now that I was pregnant.
At 9 weeks she wanted to touch my "belly". I allowed her to do that but felt violated afterwards and discussed this with my DUH. Next time she asked to touch my belly I said no I don't like people touching my belly except for DuH. He than stepped in and said she couldn't touch me. I tought he finaly understood how inappropriate her question was. She than loudly said. But that's MY grandchild!!!! Since then I didn't feel much of need to share any info with her or visit very often.
I had numerous situations with this woman were she made passive-aggressive or just crazy comments. She made my first months with my baby very stressful. She resented me for not having her at my delivery. For not letting her come to the hospital immediately. She started to make comments to my DD like "do you see mommy or do you see milk?" Whenever she was crying in her arms. Attempts to degrade me to just a milksupply for DD. She would pause for a few seconds when I told her to hand me over DD so I could change her or feed her. As if she wouldnt want to give her back. She would come over and hold my 8 weeks old DD tightly to her chest to what I think let her smell her perfume. She would give me back my DD smelling like her. My Duh would tell her on several occasions to not put perfume on when she would visit us. To not kiss her on the mouth (disgusting). She would neglect al his comments.
And I was sooo weak, I suffered from PPD and anxiety. I never told her that. She sensed something was off so she took her chance to tear me down with her comments and presence. Instead of helping me. Especially since I have no family to rely on. My MIL is the oldest of 9 kids in her family. They are very close and crazy.
She also would encourage my duh son to "protect" his little sister and that she taught that he would be soooo protective that he wouldn't let US (me, she and duh) anywhere near her. She is very close with him (poisoning this boy's mind) so he takes everything she says very serious. This led to situations where I needed to ask him to step aside from te crib so I could take my DD out. He would sort of block me standing over the crib looking at her. She made him feel that he is some sort of way entitled to his little sister even above me, her own mother. He loves his sister very much but I can see the hidden agenda of MIL. I'm starting to think that she needs other tactics to have my DD so she encourages her grandson to be the best friend and ultimate protector of DD. All to give her more acces in the future.
My duh isn't always on my side and often brushes my concerns off. And says that I need to step up. He is afraid of his mother I guess. She always Guilts him in to calling her, visiting her using her best card. The death of his father when he was 9 years old. This was a big tragedy for all them but she uses it when she doesn't get her way.
So ladies, what advice would you give me in this situation where I
1. need to deal with a MIL who uses her grandson against me,
2. who has her claws very deep in duh who is torn between growing up/protecting his family and meeting her needs,
3. ME being so weak!
I will post more info to get a more clear picture in comments.