So I feel terrible for being the one to draw the line on this but no way in hell am I making the situation with my in laws a norm.
Back story: my husband and I have been together for about 3 years before we got married and we are currently pregnant with our first child and his dad's first grandbaby. Now I am ALL about family. I have frequent visits with my mom and aunt and cousins and that has just always been the norm for me. I love being close to them. Dh family is a lot tinier (one cousin, his sister, and his dad) but I have always tried to encourage him to keep in contact and always communicated with them that they are welcome in our home anytime.
His step mom is the scum of the earth. She rarely spends any time with us (his dad only visits when she is on her way to see HER family one state over) and when she has visited she just tries to start arguments. To be fair, she is clinically bipolar. We usually laugh off any passive agressive comments and up until now her involvement has been civil if not pleasant.
This woman has expressed very little interest in our relationship from day 1. She just happens to be married to dh dad when dh was a teen. While dh was growing up she made it VERY clear to him that she was NOT his mother and had NO interest in assuming that role. She stayed as far away from forming any sort of bond with dh as possible. So imagine our suprise when we invite fil to the gender ultrasound and all the sudden she invites herself and decides she wants to be a grandmother at their last visit. Rather than seeing her family right away like she usually does she decided to stay JUST long enough to see the ultrasound and make a bunch of pushy comments about how we should dress our daughter/decorate/diaper and how she demands to be referred to as some stupid nick name for grandmother. Well, us wanting to give her a 'chance' we assumed one more person to love our daughter wasn't a bad thing so fuck it, she could be grandma if she was going to be cool about it. After the ultrasound and pouring out her bs she promplty left to go visit her family leaving a few cinnamon rolls at our home in an open container she had offered to us before leaving (something like 4 rolls for the 3 of us). Well, at the time I was 20 something weeks pregnant spent most of my time hanging over the toilet or in bed because nausea was so bad for me until I was about 30 weeks. She comes back the day before they have to leave around 6 or 7pm and we had already hung out with dh's dad, done the whole making a bunch of food for the last 3 days thing while she was away and I was exhausted. Well she storms in pissed off we dont have any milk begins to straight up scream at hd's dad in our house about how there is no milk and how no one cares about her and she is hungry and why the fuck we wernt considerate enough to leave her the cinnamon rolls she left 3 days ago and how "SHE'S A GUEST". Trying to deescalate the situation (but seriously blow away by the fact I'd NEVER seen anyone go postal like that in a home, let alone MY house) Dh and I tell her we are going to the grocery store to get dinner stuff and if she wanted anything and that we could get more rolls. This woman had gone off the deep end. It was like talking to a wall she just kept screaming and stormed out. Dh and I went out to get groceries and we started dinner. At some point she text me something along the lines of "sorry I don't handle hunger well". Well a bit after we began dinner I texted her back that "while that may be, you don't treat family that way". Later on she comes back, notices my text and again starts screaming up a storm about how she is a guest and we should treat her like such and how we don't respect her and called me every name in the book. At some point I gently try to touch her shoulder while she is right in my face to try and maybe snap her out of it and she SHOVES my uncoordinated obviously pregnant ass away from her yelling all sorts of continuous obscenities. I really did think I was in some stupid jersy shore episode. Eventually she leaves slamming the door behind her and saying she will be there at 5am the next morning to pick up dh's dad.
Radio silence for 3 months. Dh dad starts talking about how "they can't wait to come down to meet the baby!". Before he left, let me make it clear; I had repeatedly told dh dad that she was not welcomed back. I don't know what crazy idea made him think I would change my mind but apparently he thought I was just going to get over it because fil did not take the reminder well at all. I messaged him to try and communicate with him that I did not want her around and instead of adressing me directly began to message dh about how I was hiding things from him and how did HE feel about the whole thing. Dh politely repeated that yeah, essentially we don't want her around and she was not welcomed back. FIL could see his gradaughter whenever so long as he wasn't going to throw shit around our house or freak out like she did. He then messaged dh tellling him that he would sue for grandparent rights (which he would have none in our state) and that THIS was going to happen. By this point its been like 4 days since my original message and dh is not happy with his father assuming he was just going to shove this woman or even himself into our lives regarless of our boundaries. Dh replies that isn't going to happen and it doesn't matter who he is, harrassment is a federal offence. Instead of ANY type of trying to compromise or figure out a solution, he just replied "I'm done" and hasn't spoken to Dh since. Well kiddo is due in 3 weeks and Dh is starting to consider reaching out to his dad because he doesn't want him to be left out. I feel bad because this is essentially 1/3 of the only family he has and the only parent he has. But I do not under any circumstances want that crazy woman in my house. His dad seems to just want to lay down a bunch of rules and do it all "his way" and I am just NOT open to having him trying to rule over MY family. How the fuck do we get his dad to just be cool? SERIOUSLY? it's not that hard. Don't throw things in our house! Don't physically assault anyone in our house! Don't yell like a mad man in our house! and don't bring your bipolar piece of shit wife! -_-;;