Back in April DH and I began planning a vacation out of the country for the end of this year- our first big adventure together ever and we just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. We have a LO that is turning 4 next month so we obviously made sure to line up a sitter with more than one back up option for the week we'll be gone before even deciding when and where we would go. As a special treat to her, and to them, we arranged for her to stay with my in-laws.
She has spent overnights with them one night at a time every few months since she was a bit over a year old. She adores them, and they her. We had no misgivings whatsoever other than the fact that it would be our first time away from her for more than a night and we'll miss her like crazy.
About a month ago, during a weekend camping trip (since May we'd gone out together 3 times) MIL mentioned a couple of concerning things about times LO has stayed. One being that at some point she was in the kitchen and heard LO calling from the spare bedroom (where she sleeps when she stays) wanting someone to help her- she was stuck. MIL said she just chuckled thinking that FIL was in there and they were playing. LO & FIL are wild and crazy together, wrestling, chasing each other, teasing and picking on one another; they're very much like best friends. Anyhow, MIL said she heard LO holler several times before realizing that Poppa was outside and LO was just having trouble turning the door knob and couldn't get out. Ha ha, okay funny, I can totally see LO trapping Poppa and blocking him from the door and him turning it around on her and her hollering for help to 'escape' from him. That's how they play and it's hilarious to watch their antics. But several times and MIL didn't know that FIL wasn't even in the house? Hmm…
Then MIL mentioned a little later, during the same conversation, that the last time FIL was on call, she had to have her nightly 3 or 4 beers even though he couldn't drink because she just can't sleep if she doesn't. Commented that when he's on call he can't drink so just will have one or two beers throughout the afternoon (as opposed to the 10-15 normally consumed by each of them on a weekend evening- not exaggerating) but that she's found she's physically addicted and unless she has 3 or 4 she can't sleep at all.
She stated outright that she's learned she has a physical addiction to alcohol and that she fully admits it.
Well, as you can imagine, that changes things for our week-long vacation and our childcare plans. We cannot, and will not, leave LO with them unsupervised due to this revelation, for now or as far into the future as I can see.
Apparently High Functioning Alcoholism is a thing. We've known for years that they are big drinkers. They’ve tried multiple times to cut back to only drinking on weekends, it might last a week or two, never more than that, and they're back to nightly drinking. Weekend phone calls are often avoided, or answered with a sigh and an eye roll, because we know it will be an hour of repeated conversation and rambling mixed with some slurred words and very little recollection the following day. Some weeknight calls end with her remembering none of it the next time we talk.
When LO was tiny and we utilized MIL a day or two here and there when daycare was closed or LO was sick we never worried because she's not a day drinker. When she was older and started an occasional overnight we flat out stated that we did not want MIL to drink on days LO was there. She was quick to agree and assured us that she wasn't comfortable drinking when she babysat just because she'd never want to put LO in that kind of situation (having to drive 25 minutes to town in an emergency after having even a single beer or having any sort of decreased response or judgment).
After some back and forth with our different backup options for our vacation we've settled on a plan that we think works best for LO and actually probably will be better than if she were going to grandma's. Being two months out still, we have only mentioned to LO in passing that we're taking a trip and who she will get to stay with. She's commented that she will miss us but wasn't terribly upset when told that it's only a trip for grown ups, and she's even commented when talking about upcoming weekend plans that soon she'll be spending the night with Sitter for a bunch of nights but will talk to Mommy and Daddy and be a little sad but she'll be brave and will be having fun. I think it'll be better for her to be where she's going anyway because she'll get all sorts of special attention but won't be unnecessarily spoiled or allowed more leeway for behavior than expected for a 4 year old missing mommy & daddy. (She's staying with one of her teachers so will be held accountable behavior-wise but also be with someone who knows her day to day personality better to accommodate her at an age appropriate level)
The trouble we're facing is with breaking the news to MIL & FIL. Since this problem came to light a month ago we hadn't spent any time with them until this past weekend during another camping excursion. We did not want to bring it up then since LO was around and we know the news is not going to be well received. We also didn't want our weekend spoiled and have LO affected by the change in atmosphere. It almost did come out when MIL mentioned "that week in June is sure going to be exhausting but I'm really looking forward to it". When questioned she corrected herself to December and it could have been a simple misspeak but I have to wonder how much the 5 beers she'd had in the previous hour and 10 minutes affected the comment. Yes, I was counting.
DH commented that Sitter wants to keep LO that week and is really excited. Just to plant a little seed until we could set up time to break the hard news; like I said, we weren't wanting to come out with it while LO was around. Well, MIL hollered "NO! I want her! I've been planning on it for over a year!!" Keep in mind it's been less than 5 months since we began entertaining the idea of a vacation and less time since we set a date and booked it. LO came out from her nap at that point so the subject was changed but now we're looking at having the big discussion this weekend. Well, DH is. We planned to do it together but after her outburst and just the dynamic of their relationship (DH has always been a sort of caretaker of MIL in a subtle way as she was in and out of bad situations in his early childhood) he thinks it's better to talk to her alone. I don't disagree and while I kind of worry he'll coddle her more than I'd want I know he won't give in on the issue and he won't throw me under the bus simply because he's just as concerned about the drinking from her health standpoint as well as LO's safety and he's wanted to talk to her for years about how much they drink. And that was before we even knew it was this bad.
I'm not sure if I have a question, other than how can I be there for him when she completely flips out for us daring to call her out and either stops speaking to him for awhile or just gets pissed off and says something hurtful?
Really I think I just needed to get this all out there and have it documented somewhere. I'm nervous and I know DH isn't sleeping this week just thinking about things. We both are worried about how this is affecting her and FIL's health but have learned that casually mentioning that gets us nowhere but now that LO is being affected we cannot ignore it.