Hello, long time lurker here, decided to make a screen name just to post this. This post is something I've been dwelling on for awhile, but continually talked myself out of for one reason or the other, however, I can't keep feeling this way and do need advice.
Background, to try to keep it brief: my parents divorced when I was 8 years old and my relationships with them are very different and very separate. My dad is great and we are close. My mom has always been a little on the overprotective side with me, less so with my (younger) brother. I felt that she infantilized me more when I was younger, but I always felt like I needed my mom. Not to psychoanalyze myself but I wonder if she made me feel like I needed her more than I really did.
Random other relevant tidbits: I've had issues with my body image my entire life. I remember thinking I was extremely fat at 5 or 6 years old (I was honestly on the small side), and I never stopped feeling like my body was bad/wrong/unattractive even as an adult. My mom always made me feel vaguely guilty or shameful about what I was eating, how much, and when. I was never overweight. I am not currently overweight. But my mom did make me feel guilty even in the past.
With all that aside: my two year long relationship ended abruptly in mid-2015, leaving me confused, anxious, and newly pregnant. I gave birth to my daughter in February.
In late August I pretty much had a mental breakdown, which led to my mom moving temporarily from Illinois to New York. I asked her to because I didn't really know what else to do.
Even though she doesn't live in my house, she's here 3-4 times per week. I know this is a lot. I need help to change this.
The problem now is that she tries to micromanage a lot of my life, as if I don't know how to run even the very most basic parts of my life. It seems to irritate her. some notable examples I can think of: the other day I needed to leave the house to get something and couldn't remember where I put my keys. I did find them eventually, but she made a big deal out of how she was sick of me losing my keys all the time. I do maybe lose them two or three times in a week, but A) I always find them again and B) why do you care?
Earlier today I was cooking, following a recipe, and she came in and started questioning me every step of the process as if I was incapable of following the recipe. The food turned out great and she loved it. Go figure.
There are many other little things like that. She tells me "you should make your bed, you need to clean your bedroom (which really isn't messy, other than the fact that I'm not always caught up on putting clean laundry away), you need to give the baby a bath every other day, you shouldn't let the baby crawl on the floor in the same room as the dog, why are you sitting on your phone when the baby is awake, you shouldn't have a nanny..." basically, just trying to micromanage every aspect of my life.
The thing that really drove me to make this post was Halloween. I elected to stay at home and hand out candy. She came over. She was sitting in my living room and I was in the landing waiting for kids to come trick or treat. I ate maybe 3 little mini chocolate bars while I was sitting down there. When I opened up the third one, she called down and said "is that still you?" I said yes, and she told me to stop eating chocolate and that I "didn't need to be sitting down there stuffing my face with chocolate." I told her that I was an adult who was capable of self regulating and I didn't need her to tell me when to stop eating. She didn't have another comment after that, but it really felt like the tipping point for me.
I feel so guilty about even writing this because at her core my mom is a really sweet lady who I think has good intentions. I know she really does love me, but I feel like she treats me like a child and it's very demeaning.
When I've previously tried to initiate a conversation we usually just end up having a screaming match over it and I hate that. I don't want to fight, I just want her to not cut me down.
How should I address this with her? Will limiting contact help and if so how do you initiate the limiting of the contact when you have so much contact and so much entanglement? Is it possible that we can eventually have a normal relationship?
I'm sorry this is so long, and I'm questioning if I should even post it or if I'm being too mean to someone who's just trying to help. Hopefully the wisdom of this board can help me out.
Background, to try to keep it brief: my parents divorced when I was 8 years old and my relationships with them are very different and very separate. My dad is great and we are close. My mom has always been a little on the overprotective side with me, less so with my (younger) brother. I felt that she infantilized me more when I was younger, but I always felt like I needed my mom. Not to psychoanalyze myself but I wonder if she made me feel like I needed her more than I really did.
Random other relevant tidbits: I've had issues with my body image my entire life. I remember thinking I was extremely fat at 5 or 6 years old (I was honestly on the small side), and I never stopped feeling like my body was bad/wrong/unattractive even as an adult. My mom always made me feel vaguely guilty or shameful about what I was eating, how much, and when. I was never overweight. I am not currently overweight. But my mom did make me feel guilty even in the past.
With all that aside: my two year long relationship ended abruptly in mid-2015, leaving me confused, anxious, and newly pregnant. I gave birth to my daughter in February.
In late August I pretty much had a mental breakdown, which led to my mom moving temporarily from Illinois to New York. I asked her to because I didn't really know what else to do.
Even though she doesn't live in my house, she's here 3-4 times per week. I know this is a lot. I need help to change this.
The problem now is that she tries to micromanage a lot of my life, as if I don't know how to run even the very most basic parts of my life. It seems to irritate her. some notable examples I can think of: the other day I needed to leave the house to get something and couldn't remember where I put my keys. I did find them eventually, but she made a big deal out of how she was sick of me losing my keys all the time. I do maybe lose them two or three times in a week, but A) I always find them again and B) why do you care?
Earlier today I was cooking, following a recipe, and she came in and started questioning me every step of the process as if I was incapable of following the recipe. The food turned out great and she loved it. Go figure.
There are many other little things like that. She tells me "you should make your bed, you need to clean your bedroom (which really isn't messy, other than the fact that I'm not always caught up on putting clean laundry away), you need to give the baby a bath every other day, you shouldn't let the baby crawl on the floor in the same room as the dog, why are you sitting on your phone when the baby is awake, you shouldn't have a nanny..." basically, just trying to micromanage every aspect of my life.
The thing that really drove me to make this post was Halloween. I elected to stay at home and hand out candy. She came over. She was sitting in my living room and I was in the landing waiting for kids to come trick or treat. I ate maybe 3 little mini chocolate bars while I was sitting down there. When I opened up the third one, she called down and said "is that still you?" I said yes, and she told me to stop eating chocolate and that I "didn't need to be sitting down there stuffing my face with chocolate." I told her that I was an adult who was capable of self regulating and I didn't need her to tell me when to stop eating. She didn't have another comment after that, but it really felt like the tipping point for me.
I feel so guilty about even writing this because at her core my mom is a really sweet lady who I think has good intentions. I know she really does love me, but I feel like she treats me like a child and it's very demeaning.
When I've previously tried to initiate a conversation we usually just end up having a screaming match over it and I hate that. I don't want to fight, I just want her to not cut me down.
How should I address this with her? Will limiting contact help and if so how do you initiate the limiting of the contact when you have so much contact and so much entanglement? Is it possible that we can eventually have a normal relationship?
I'm sorry this is so long, and I'm questioning if I should even post it or if I'm being too mean to someone who's just trying to help. Hopefully the wisdom of this board can help me out.