Can't believe I'm asking for advice because things are usually fairly picture perfect in my world, but here goes.
*Triggers in some relevant background*
I am staunchly pro-choice, my cousin is staunchly pro-life. The concepts became very personal for me several years ago when my first pregnancy went south and my life was saved by aborting that pregnancy at 19 weeks. It was an IVF pregnancy and I would have rather died than abort, and that life and death decision was made when I was told I might not actually die, I might survive by having my reproductive system removed. I could die with my girls, but I couldn't live without them without the ability to try to get them back. That's how I made my decision and had safe abortion not been available at my nearest hospital, I would have died trying to find the facilities for one.
Again, my children are IVF children. There are personhood movements within the pro-life movement that consider an embryo as having rights, and therefore creating embryos that may or not survive the IVF process, well personhood would outlaw IVF.
So for these reasons, I interpret anyone who campaigns against available abortions and for personhood laws, as someone who is actively campaigning for my death and for my children to not exist. Rightly or wrongly, that's how I feel on the issue and I lost all ability to tolerate those who actively work towards enacting Personhood laws as I was dying in that hospital bed and watching politicians try to take away my ability to have my children.
*End Triggers*
So a few years ago, my cousins debil postings started getting to me. Then she talked about how excited she was to join the campaign of such and such politician. I looked into what that guy stood for, commented about the very specific laws he would try to pass that would have lead to my death here and would have prevented my children from existing there. It's one thing to believe and debate against my stance, whatever, I'm cool with that, but if you knowingly put your money, time and effort into something that would kill me and you've been made aware of that and still want to fight for it, sorry, you're dead to me. If you're going to campaign for my death, please live as though I had died.
So I unfriended her. This was about 3 years ago and I guess she just now noticed. A month or two ago, she asked if I could ignore her political postings, but friend her again so she could see pictures of my kids. I told her no. She asked why, and I told her (after checking her page to see if any of her opinions had changed). Since she wanted to fight for their lack of existence, she could enjoy their lack of existence.
Ok, so I tell my mother about this conversation and it greatly upsets her which I did not anticipate. She's upset because she somehow thinks that my rebuffing cousin will cause cousin to not have a relationship with her. Cousin is very dear to my mother, my mother is only about 13 years older than cousin, so they were kind of raised together, I dunno, there's some sort of history that makes my aunts (deceased) kids so near and dear to my mother yet she is also afraid of cousins dropping contact. I email my mother later to remind her that I am not responsible for maintaining her relationship with cousin, that my relationship with cousin is separate from hers, and to apologizing for discussing it with her at all.
Fast forward to now. Yesterday was my mothers birthday. I had my days mixed up looking at the calendar wrong, so I call today apologizing for my mistake and to wish her a belated happy birthday. She says it was not a good day, she doesn't really want to talk about it, my dad will call me later.
So as promised, dad calls. Mom is having some health issues that have her down (nothing surprising) and that apparently something about the thing with my cousin really upset her yesterday. My father kept repeating how my parents have earned and deserve my consideration when taking actions that will affect them. That before I purposely hurt cousin by refusing her access to pictures of my kids, I need to consider how that would affect my parents. Da FUQ?
I respect my dad. He's a brilliant man, very gentle and fair, and let me tell you, he has not stuck his nose into my business much at all. So for him to tell me, and to keep repeating how he and my mother deserved my consideration, and how I should have allowed cousin access to the pictures because hey, it doesn't hurt anything and saying no has hurt all of us, well it just floored, and insulted me. I stood my ground and told him that he had my consideration, but not my compliance. That we have come to different conclusions about the proper course of action but that does not mean that their feelings were not considered.
I'm just so hurt. He went into lawyer mode, not hearing me and simply going back to the firm sentence he had rehearsed. I challenged him and asked him to define how I could have considered my mother other than full compliance. He would just repeat that damned sentence.
I can't explain why allowing cousin access to pictures would hurt me. I also don't have to. All I know is the thought of doing so turns my stomach so I'm going to trust my stomach knows what's best.
I'm just so hurt by my dad. He must really have no respect for me if he thinks I would do something difficult without considering it and the ramifications. Or that I would be spiteful for the sake of spite rather than acting on what I truly feel is best for me and my family. I wrote him an email but I doubt I'll send it. I'm 40 years old and just crushed that he regards me as a thoughtless and stupid child. I also don't know how to ever chat with either my mom or my dad again when she will hold a guilt trip over my head about something that happened months ago that didn't even involve her, and my dad won't even consider what I have to say on the matter.
Why do I have to assist in maintaining my parents family relationships? That's not my responsibility! If cousin decides not to talk to my mom because I don't want to talk to cousin, well then cousin is an idiot! Why am I getting guilt tripped for cousins decisions?