I will link background in comments.
As per our therapist we are sending a boundary letter to my inlaws. We have gone over it with the therapist but I wanted to get more opinions. It is long and may be jadey but we tried not to be. The end was suggested by our therapist and is jade.
We have been extremely low contact with the inlaws and have only seen them about once a month in a a public place. Recently mother-in-law invited herself to our house and my DH told her no she wasn't coming over. M I L then sent DH a text message saying he lost his parents and then sent a picture of all of his framed pictures smashed on the floor. So my DH is ready for this letter and possibly cutting off his parents. We are sending this letter tonight with maybe a few edits from you.
Dear PILS
Considering our strained relationship we decided to address the issues we have. We know your feelings have been hurt and you do not understand why we have been pulling away in the past couple months. We ask that you have an open mind as you read because we will be explaining how past actions have changed our relationship. We hope that you will continue to be in our lives and enjoy our children.
First, we are a singular unit. DH is first and foremost a husband and secondly a father. Our nuclear family is the priority and nothing will jeopardize that. Nothing is more important to us than our marriage and our children. Insulting OP will no longer be tolerated in anyway. This includes not only direct assault but also indirect (i.e. She is dragging the situation out and not making an effort and saying she has postpartum depression). DH will not be on MiLs "side". There are no sides, only what is best for our marriage and our children's well-being. DHand OP make all decisions together and agree on everything concerning our children.
OP would like to give examples of the behaviors that have raise concern and what she sees is damaging the relationship:
I started to see some red flags in your behavior, a few times MIL did not appear sober and MIL referenced using sleeping pills that were not prescribed to her. I do not want to put our children in the care of someone that may, in any chance, have substance issues. So, we decided to suspend over night visits in January to think about the situation. You guys still spent time at DS1 every couple of weeks. Then we started to get the relentless and hysterical request for alone time with him. You demanded to see him without his parents. In your eyes the only time that counted with DS1 was unsupervised. That is concerning to me. Instead of respecting our wishes, MIL harassed us and insulted me on many of occasions. This behavior cause the most damage. The final straw for me was when MIL insisted that she wanted DS1 for her birthday "present". Our children are not presents or things to be given; their presents will never be a birthday present or any other holiday present. Then MIL proceeded to blame us for the issues in your marriage. That behavior is abuse and our children will not be in the care of someone that may, in any chance, emotionally abuse them. We decided that it was in the best interest of the pregnancy for me to not have communication with you. Even though my blood pressure was in control, I did not need the additional stress of your harassment. This is when I blocked you from my phone.
Also I feel that saying our children are your life and they are the only reason for living (indirect quotes from texts MIL sent to DH) shows either mental instability or emotional manipulation. Either way, not someone we will entrust with the safety of our children, emotional or physical. It is unhealthy and dangerous to place your emotional health and happiness on small children and as long as that is your reality, you will not have unsupervised visits.
The last, most unacceptable behavior was telling DH "he lost his parents" and then proceeding to send him a text of shattered pictures. The sole purpose of sending those text messages was inflict pain on him for not giving you what you wanted. This is another example of abuse. Abusers use fear, guilt, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under their thumb. Seeing as MIL has many outburst when she's upset and angry is another reason your access to our children is restricted.
I felt manipulated and harassed by MIL, so I decided to take a step back. I will not just pretend these hurtful things didn't happen and allow anyone to inflict emotional pain on me. If we say no to anything we get harassed and MIL lashes out in anger. I will not accept that this is normal behavior or put my children in a situation where they can be manipulated or emotionally abused.
As for DH:
The situation became a real problem for me, when I said that we needed OPs pregnancy to be calm and as stress-free as possible. That was not followed. Not only was this dangerous to OP and DS2, it was life-threatening. From working in an ICU, my mindset is always the worst case scenario. Going off those scenarios you were putting my wife and unborn child in extreme danger in my eyes. We tried to step back and tell you that we needed space but that just made y'all push more and more. It makes me feel like y'all only want your way and don't care how you get it. You will not take "no" for an answer.
As for the one day separation and then disowning me, and what possible feasible way do you think I would want my children to be around people that would blame their son for the dissolution of their marriage and then disown them. This is inexcusable on so many levels. If you are willing to manipulate and emotionally abuse your own son, then you're willing to cause mental and emotional trauma to my children. This ever happens again contact from you will be suspended indefinitely.
Moving forward the only relationship with our children will be with us present. No overnights or alone time until we see fit. We do not know when this will be so please don't ask. We will schedule visits with you when our schedule permits. As DH works a lot, most of his time off will be spent with our nuclear family. There will not be any compromises or discussion; if you cannot accept these conditions and we can no longer be in your lives.
Any outburst, disrespect, manipulation, bullying or request to have alone time with our children will be met with an immediate break from all communication for one month and each subsequent action will add another month. "No" is a complete sentence and we do not have to give an explanation. If either one of us say "sorry we can't make it" there will be no discussion. Please do not have any other family member contact us in regards to this. The only way this will change will be a long turn change in behavior and acting appropriately.
We do want you guys to be in our lives but we have to do what we see is in the best interest for children. We are willing to forgive you and move on but our trust in you is lost and needs to be built back up. This will take time and cannot be rushed. The more you push for a resolution, the longer it will take for us to trust you again.
We know that this letter may hurt your feelings and this is hard to read but we wish to move forward with a healthy relationship. Please take a week to process this all this information. If you would like to write us a letter detailing your side you can send it to us in a week.
Thank you
Love,
DH and OP
As per our therapist we are sending a boundary letter to my inlaws. We have gone over it with the therapist but I wanted to get more opinions. It is long and may be jadey but we tried not to be. The end was suggested by our therapist and is jade.
We have been extremely low contact with the inlaws and have only seen them about once a month in a a public place. Recently mother-in-law invited herself to our house and my DH told her no she wasn't coming over. M I L then sent DH a text message saying he lost his parents and then sent a picture of all of his framed pictures smashed on the floor. So my DH is ready for this letter and possibly cutting off his parents. We are sending this letter tonight with maybe a few edits from you.
Dear PILS
Considering our strained relationship we decided to address the issues we have. We know your feelings have been hurt and you do not understand why we have been pulling away in the past couple months. We ask that you have an open mind as you read because we will be explaining how past actions have changed our relationship. We hope that you will continue to be in our lives and enjoy our children.
First, we are a singular unit. DH is first and foremost a husband and secondly a father. Our nuclear family is the priority and nothing will jeopardize that. Nothing is more important to us than our marriage and our children. Insulting OP will no longer be tolerated in anyway. This includes not only direct assault but also indirect (i.e. She is dragging the situation out and not making an effort and saying she has postpartum depression). DH will not be on MiLs "side". There are no sides, only what is best for our marriage and our children's well-being. DHand OP make all decisions together and agree on everything concerning our children.
OP would like to give examples of the behaviors that have raise concern and what she sees is damaging the relationship:
I started to see some red flags in your behavior, a few times MIL did not appear sober and MIL referenced using sleeping pills that were not prescribed to her. I do not want to put our children in the care of someone that may, in any chance, have substance issues. So, we decided to suspend over night visits in January to think about the situation. You guys still spent time at DS1 every couple of weeks. Then we started to get the relentless and hysterical request for alone time with him. You demanded to see him without his parents. In your eyes the only time that counted with DS1 was unsupervised. That is concerning to me. Instead of respecting our wishes, MIL harassed us and insulted me on many of occasions. This behavior cause the most damage. The final straw for me was when MIL insisted that she wanted DS1 for her birthday "present". Our children are not presents or things to be given; their presents will never be a birthday present or any other holiday present. Then MIL proceeded to blame us for the issues in your marriage. That behavior is abuse and our children will not be in the care of someone that may, in any chance, emotionally abuse them. We decided that it was in the best interest of the pregnancy for me to not have communication with you. Even though my blood pressure was in control, I did not need the additional stress of your harassment. This is when I blocked you from my phone.
Also I feel that saying our children are your life and they are the only reason for living (indirect quotes from texts MIL sent to DH) shows either mental instability or emotional manipulation. Either way, not someone we will entrust with the safety of our children, emotional or physical. It is unhealthy and dangerous to place your emotional health and happiness on small children and as long as that is your reality, you will not have unsupervised visits.
The last, most unacceptable behavior was telling DH "he lost his parents" and then proceeding to send him a text of shattered pictures. The sole purpose of sending those text messages was inflict pain on him for not giving you what you wanted. This is another example of abuse. Abusers use fear, guilt, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under their thumb. Seeing as MIL has many outburst when she's upset and angry is another reason your access to our children is restricted.
I felt manipulated and harassed by MIL, so I decided to take a step back. I will not just pretend these hurtful things didn't happen and allow anyone to inflict emotional pain on me. If we say no to anything we get harassed and MIL lashes out in anger. I will not accept that this is normal behavior or put my children in a situation where they can be manipulated or emotionally abused.
As for DH:
The situation became a real problem for me, when I said that we needed OPs pregnancy to be calm and as stress-free as possible. That was not followed. Not only was this dangerous to OP and DS2, it was life-threatening. From working in an ICU, my mindset is always the worst case scenario. Going off those scenarios you were putting my wife and unborn child in extreme danger in my eyes. We tried to step back and tell you that we needed space but that just made y'all push more and more. It makes me feel like y'all only want your way and don't care how you get it. You will not take "no" for an answer.
As for the one day separation and then disowning me, and what possible feasible way do you think I would want my children to be around people that would blame their son for the dissolution of their marriage and then disown them. This is inexcusable on so many levels. If you are willing to manipulate and emotionally abuse your own son, then you're willing to cause mental and emotional trauma to my children. This ever happens again contact from you will be suspended indefinitely.
Moving forward the only relationship with our children will be with us present. No overnights or alone time until we see fit. We do not know when this will be so please don't ask. We will schedule visits with you when our schedule permits. As DH works a lot, most of his time off will be spent with our nuclear family. There will not be any compromises or discussion; if you cannot accept these conditions and we can no longer be in your lives.
Any outburst, disrespect, manipulation, bullying or request to have alone time with our children will be met with an immediate break from all communication for one month and each subsequent action will add another month. "No" is a complete sentence and we do not have to give an explanation. If either one of us say "sorry we can't make it" there will be no discussion. Please do not have any other family member contact us in regards to this. The only way this will change will be a long turn change in behavior and acting appropriately.
We do want you guys to be in our lives but we have to do what we see is in the best interest for children. We are willing to forgive you and move on but our trust in you is lost and needs to be built back up. This will take time and cannot be rushed. The more you push for a resolution, the longer it will take for us to trust you again.
We know that this letter may hurt your feelings and this is hard to read but we wish to move forward with a healthy relationship. Please take a week to process this all this information. If you would like to write us a letter detailing your side you can send it to us in a week.
Thank you
Love,
DH and OP