I'm just deeply saddened by this. What are your thoughts?
Background: My dad has 4 bio kids, and divorced our mom in our teens (13-19yrs old). Her re-married a nice woman with 2 kids about 10yrs younger than us when the youngest one of us was a Sr. in HS (19). There have been issues in that my father treated us VERY differently than my SM (and our dad) treats her kids. Essentially, my father erred on the side of providing much less financial and emotional support for us kids than is normal for his and our peers given his economic level. Ex. I didn't have a winter jacket in college in upstate NY because I couldn't afford it (I was paying for all my books and other expenses). I graduated college and needed to help moving 3hrs away to start my new job (without any starting bonus to help), and got nothing but a shrug from him. He didn't have to do anything, but it certainly put up hurtles in my and my siblings' lives that most of our peers did not have. My step-mother is much more "normal" and so my step sisters never had these issues.
Full-disclosure: I had some entitlement issues that this board helped me come to terms with. I understand it is his money to do with what he likes, and I don't have any claim on anything. I've come to terms with that. It still stings when I see how the two sets of (now all adult) kids are treated differently.
So, apparently my SS just got a new job after working seasonal and retail for a few years after graduation. I'm happy for her. My SM and dad (or just my stepmother who signed my dad's name on it to) sent her flowers, and there was a big deal made of it on FB - lots of "good luck" and "congratulations" stuff. That's sweet - very normal, very supportive. The thing is, not even a month ago my OS started a new job after getting a huge promotion. It's a big deal she has worked hard for, and also comes with a lot more stress. How did Dad and SM acknowledge it? They really didn't.
I noticed and was annoyed. My sister noticed, and was hurt. Being that I have struggled for years with this same kind of emotion, I decided to let my dad know he was doing something wrong. Here is the private message I sent him:
Me: Just a FYI - you had another daughter who started a new job just a few weeks ago...
Dad: Yes!! Have talked with her a number of times. I wasn't in on the stuff for Leah.
Are you chastising me for something?
Me: No - I'm just bringing to your attention the very obvious difference in fanfare
The discrepancy was noted
It was in no way subtle
Basically, if you don't want hurt feelings, treat kids equally or don't publicly broadcast differential treatment
So yes - chastising you for being oblivious. A good thing to do would ask yourself "WW(SM)D" when your kids have big life events: What would (SD) do.
Dad: Well I'm not (SM) and never will be.
Me: Yep. But since you chose her for your spouse, you need to understand the repercussions of you "not being (SM)" when the two sets of kids get treated completely differently.
Here is a hint - SM's got this "showing parental support" thing down pat. You should learn from her.
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Conversation ends, and I don't hear anything for a while. Well, today I get this fabulous e-mail, CCing my sister who got the new job:
"But since you chose her for your spouse, you need to understand the repercussions of you "not being (SM)" when the two sets of kids get treated completely differently.
Here is a hint - (SM)'s got this "showing parental support" thing down pat. You should learn from her." "
because I did not send OS flowers when she changed jobs. For fairness, I'm copying OS on this since you made this about her and dragged her into this.
To give you some background, SS had been working with SM on navigating getting this job (and the attempt at the previous one she didn't get). SS would call SM and ask for advice on interviews, negotiating strategy etc etc. She was involved with her from day one. And SM new how absolutely nervous SS was on her first day.
She ordered the flowers at the last minute and put my name on it. It was the first time she did that for her kids (and SS's Dad didn't do anything btw). When YSS changed jobs she didn't send flowers.
From your post, you think we needed to tell SS: Here are flowers, but don't put them on facebook because you might upset OP because we did something nice for you. That's just dumb.
As a result of your arbitrary and vicious attack, you have deeply hurt SM and damaged that relationship. She has tried to be nothing but kind to you. You repay by making her feel guilty for doing something nice for her daughter. It has both really angered her and upset her. That is and was just mean. If she want to do something for her kids, she shouldn't have to stop and think about how OP will take it and would it upset her by not treating kids equally.
Just to be crystal clear: we are not keeping a list of who has gotten what. We will not. I'm sorry that you're upset, but you have to deal with it. It will not always be fair or equal.
I am a different person than SM is. I will treat my kids differently that she does because I'm not her. You need to accept that and deal with it. My "parental support" will not be the same as hers. And we won't be trying to make it equal.
I honestly don't understand why you took an insignificant thing and blew it up into a big issue, and made it so hurtful to both SM and I. It was like you just wanted to purposefully be cruel and mean. These things damage relationships; I don't know why you continue to do them.
Also, i don't know why you were fighting OS battles. If she is upset, I'm sure she would tell me. And knowing OS I'm sure she is not upset (she is kind). Why did you chose something that really wasn't your business??
It is just painful and hurtful when you do this (usually to me) - especially when it is over nothing. But it is worse that you chose to be mean to and hurt SM.
Dad
Here's the text - for reference: (he then included the text of the conversation that started this)
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Thoughts?
If it is relevant, my mother is an entitled nut-job who is leeching off of OS and making life hell for her, but she has a Unicorn. She has asked her to move out, but isn't willing to kick her out - Mom is on low-income housing lists that are years long. My mom is absolutely not a source of support or encouragement for OS.