Hi all,
I've been lurking for a while and I've come to a point where I need some advice where it comes to my ILs. First a little bit of BG:
My normal meter is kind of wonky. I have an anxiety condition that makes me tend to jump to worst case scenario on everything which is a good chunk of the issue. It also acts up when people are in my home who I don't like, or when people get in my personal space. Also, my life growing up wasn't ideal. My mother is a bit emotionally detached. I never felt bonded to her. I did with my father, and I spent every weekend at my grandmother's house and bonded with her as my mother figure. As an adult now I see how odd this is, and I don't want that for my DS (3 months old at this point). Part of the reason I spent every weekend there was my brother is autistic, but we didn't know that. Because he received no therapy or intervention my parents had to spend all of their energy on him which lead to me feeling like he was the GC, and I felt unwanted. My mother and I have a history of large blow ups and TOs, but for the last 5 years or so we have been on much better terms now that I'm out on my own, and we are better able to enjoy the times we spend together and then split to our respective nuclear families and not drive each other up a wall. This is weird to DH (technically common law husband) but it works for us.
DH's BG is a little different. He was raised in a household where almost anything was forgiven and rug swept because faaaaamilyyyyy. Both of his sets of grandparents had histories of emotional abuse to his parents but were let around the kids because family, and "the kids deserved grandparents". DH assures me no abuse ever happened to himself or his siblings (BIL & SIL), and that FIL never let them be alone with his father because he was "unsafe". When both of his grandmothers ended up widowed the family built IL suites on the house and the grandmothers moved in, even though the ILs didn't like the idea, but again, faaaaamilyyyyy. MIL apparently has always been the ultimate rug sweeper, except in one case. There was an incident of prolonged infidelity that she has never forgiven FIL for, and continually rubs it in his face. FIL is a huge enabler and will probably never leave MIL even with this because he thinks of it as his punishment.
In the last few years MIL has been getting increasingly worse in what I view as emotional abuse and manipulation. Apparently it's exactly how her mother was, and it is suspected she inherited her mother's bipolar. She received some sort of diagnoses a few years ago when she was forced into therapy because she threatened suicide and ended up in the hospital. The ILs keep the diagnosis secret but for a short time she was medicated and it was heavenly but of course she decided she didn't need them anymore and stopped them and has only escalated since. I'm at a point where MIL is my BEC because she's so manipulative that I dislike having her around even on her good days. BIL has almost completely CO the ILs, with very LC, which hurt MIL a lot because he was the GC growing up. SIL doesn't want much to do with their drama either, and tends to avoid them. This leaves my DH as the one she leans on heavily and he's the new GC since we had DS (first grandchild). MIL and FIL constantly fight and she calls DH every time to complain about FIL to him which I find completely inappropriate. DH does too but won't say anything to her because he was raised that no matter how bad it gets, she's family. She stresses him out most days and I've pretty much just come to a point where I don't deal with her because of her history of disrespect to me. Examples of this include her insistence on trying to hug me every time she sees me, even though DH told her not to because I don't like it (she told him right to his face she won't stop because she will make me love her because I'm now family...great. DH told her all she's doing is ensuring I dislike her more). Almost every time they visit she shows up with some decoration or piece of furniture she's decided we need even if we've asked her not to (she bought a dresser for DS's nursery after we told her not to). If I tell her that I wanted to buy my own item she bought us or that we don't need it she gets all weepy about how she was only trying to heeeelp and if no one wants her help why is she even alive. No one stands up to that because "she's too fragile" but IMO it's manipulation. She knows no one will call her on her suicide talk because they all feel guilty.
She's stepped it up some, starting with the pregnancy. DH has been very good at shutting her down on most things thankfully but it doesn't seem to matter. She got very upset that I wouldn't allow her in the delivery room. DH explained we were only having the two of us, neither mother was invited and she tried to guilt him with talk about how it's his baby too and he could just put his foot down and invite her in, but he told her no way was he disrespecting me like that. We didn't find out the sex before birth either, and she threw fits about how the baby was definitely a boy because she prayed for a grandson and God wouldn't forsake her by giving me a daughter. When people would try to gently suggest the baby could be a girl she would throw temper tantrums. Before DS was ever born she started dropping not so subtle hints about sleepovers, and I've told her every single time that he won't be going for overnights for a very long time (possibly never with her because I don't trust her) and to stop asking. DH has also told her this but she will not drop it. She feels like because she didn't get any sleepovers when he was a newborn she didn't get to bond with him (HELLO, he was bonding with US like he's supposed to!) and it's "not fair". She gets really pissy when she comes over too because I babywear and will only let her hold him for limited amounts of time because he'll start to fuss and I take him back. I'm also breastfeeding and when he wants to eat I leave the room because in the beginning she would try to kiss his head while he nursed (and we were having trouble latching so she was basically nose to nipple, shudder) so I refuse to feed him around her now. That offends her too because I'm "taking away from her visiting time" by hiding away, but I refuse to put her feelings ahead of DS's needs and DH backs me up on all of this. The ILs have never been alone with DS and won't until at the very least he's old enough to speak for himself and tell me anything that happens, if ever.
I apologise for the rambling, but I guess what I'm asking is for assurance that I'm not just overreacting because of a broken normal meter right? MIL always rug sweeps and insists that because my family was so cold as a kid that I just don't know what a "real family" is like and that she's just trying to loooove me and make me feel like faaaamilllyyyy. DH agrees that she's being rude and pushy, but can't kill the unicorn because of his BG. I'm glad he shuts her down on mostly everything that she does that triggers me, but he often feels like I'm being a bit overly sensitive because of my anxiety. I feel like yes my anxiety plays into this, but the bigger issue is she's a boundary stomper. Am I right or just being picky? Thanks everyone.
I've been lurking for a while and I've come to a point where I need some advice where it comes to my ILs. First a little bit of BG:
My normal meter is kind of wonky. I have an anxiety condition that makes me tend to jump to worst case scenario on everything which is a good chunk of the issue. It also acts up when people are in my home who I don't like, or when people get in my personal space. Also, my life growing up wasn't ideal. My mother is a bit emotionally detached. I never felt bonded to her. I did with my father, and I spent every weekend at my grandmother's house and bonded with her as my mother figure. As an adult now I see how odd this is, and I don't want that for my DS (3 months old at this point). Part of the reason I spent every weekend there was my brother is autistic, but we didn't know that. Because he received no therapy or intervention my parents had to spend all of their energy on him which lead to me feeling like he was the GC, and I felt unwanted. My mother and I have a history of large blow ups and TOs, but for the last 5 years or so we have been on much better terms now that I'm out on my own, and we are better able to enjoy the times we spend together and then split to our respective nuclear families and not drive each other up a wall. This is weird to DH (technically common law husband) but it works for us.
DH's BG is a little different. He was raised in a household where almost anything was forgiven and rug swept because faaaaamilyyyyy. Both of his sets of grandparents had histories of emotional abuse to his parents but were let around the kids because family, and "the kids deserved grandparents". DH assures me no abuse ever happened to himself or his siblings (BIL & SIL), and that FIL never let them be alone with his father because he was "unsafe". When both of his grandmothers ended up widowed the family built IL suites on the house and the grandmothers moved in, even though the ILs didn't like the idea, but again, faaaaamilyyyyy. MIL apparently has always been the ultimate rug sweeper, except in one case. There was an incident of prolonged infidelity that she has never forgiven FIL for, and continually rubs it in his face. FIL is a huge enabler and will probably never leave MIL even with this because he thinks of it as his punishment.
In the last few years MIL has been getting increasingly worse in what I view as emotional abuse and manipulation. Apparently it's exactly how her mother was, and it is suspected she inherited her mother's bipolar. She received some sort of diagnoses a few years ago when she was forced into therapy because she threatened suicide and ended up in the hospital. The ILs keep the diagnosis secret but for a short time she was medicated and it was heavenly but of course she decided she didn't need them anymore and stopped them and has only escalated since. I'm at a point where MIL is my BEC because she's so manipulative that I dislike having her around even on her good days. BIL has almost completely CO the ILs, with very LC, which hurt MIL a lot because he was the GC growing up. SIL doesn't want much to do with their drama either, and tends to avoid them. This leaves my DH as the one she leans on heavily and he's the new GC since we had DS (first grandchild). MIL and FIL constantly fight and she calls DH every time to complain about FIL to him which I find completely inappropriate. DH does too but won't say anything to her because he was raised that no matter how bad it gets, she's family. She stresses him out most days and I've pretty much just come to a point where I don't deal with her because of her history of disrespect to me. Examples of this include her insistence on trying to hug me every time she sees me, even though DH told her not to because I don't like it (she told him right to his face she won't stop because she will make me love her because I'm now family...great. DH told her all she's doing is ensuring I dislike her more). Almost every time they visit she shows up with some decoration or piece of furniture she's decided we need even if we've asked her not to (she bought a dresser for DS's nursery after we told her not to). If I tell her that I wanted to buy my own item she bought us or that we don't need it she gets all weepy about how she was only trying to heeeelp and if no one wants her help why is she even alive. No one stands up to that because "she's too fragile" but IMO it's manipulation. She knows no one will call her on her suicide talk because they all feel guilty.
She's stepped it up some, starting with the pregnancy. DH has been very good at shutting her down on most things thankfully but it doesn't seem to matter. She got very upset that I wouldn't allow her in the delivery room. DH explained we were only having the two of us, neither mother was invited and she tried to guilt him with talk about how it's his baby too and he could just put his foot down and invite her in, but he told her no way was he disrespecting me like that. We didn't find out the sex before birth either, and she threw fits about how the baby was definitely a boy because she prayed for a grandson and God wouldn't forsake her by giving me a daughter. When people would try to gently suggest the baby could be a girl she would throw temper tantrums. Before DS was ever born she started dropping not so subtle hints about sleepovers, and I've told her every single time that he won't be going for overnights for a very long time (possibly never with her because I don't trust her) and to stop asking. DH has also told her this but she will not drop it. She feels like because she didn't get any sleepovers when he was a newborn she didn't get to bond with him (HELLO, he was bonding with US like he's supposed to!) and it's "not fair". She gets really pissy when she comes over too because I babywear and will only let her hold him for limited amounts of time because he'll start to fuss and I take him back. I'm also breastfeeding and when he wants to eat I leave the room because in the beginning she would try to kiss his head while he nursed (and we were having trouble latching so she was basically nose to nipple, shudder) so I refuse to feed him around her now. That offends her too because I'm "taking away from her visiting time" by hiding away, but I refuse to put her feelings ahead of DS's needs and DH backs me up on all of this. The ILs have never been alone with DS and won't until at the very least he's old enough to speak for himself and tell me anything that happens, if ever.
I apologise for the rambling, but I guess what I'm asking is for assurance that I'm not just overreacting because of a broken normal meter right? MIL always rug sweeps and insists that because my family was so cold as a kid that I just don't know what a "real family" is like and that she's just trying to loooove me and make me feel like faaaamilllyyyy. DH agrees that she's being rude and pushy, but can't kill the unicorn because of his BG. I'm glad he shuts her down on mostly everything that she does that triggers me, but he often feels like I'm being a bit overly sensitive because of my anxiety. I feel like yes my anxiety plays into this, but the bigger issue is she's a boundary stomper. Am I right or just being picky? Thanks everyone.