I really need advice on how to handle my MOO. I'll try to make my background as short as possible. I've lurked for a very long time, but using this account for somewhat anonymity.
MOO and FOO divorced when I was about 3. I am an only child. MOO ended up living with her parents (my grandparents), and she is still living in their home. Grandfather passed away in 2012, and my grandmother is not mobile anymore. MOO retired to take care of my grandmother soon after grandfather passed away because grandmother's health took a nosedive. Growing up, my MOO, grandmother and I used to do so many things together - take vacations, grocery shopping, go for drives, etc. It was rare when my mom did anything without my grandmother. I thought this was okay - I saw it as being very close to my grandmother, especially because we lived with her.
I left for college in another town when I was 17, and I never went back to hometown. I have 15-month LO, and SO and I live together. Hometown is about a 5 hour drive away.
Ever since I began lurking here on DWIL a few months before LO was born, I began to realize that my relationship with MOO was not normal, and perhaps not healthy. She relied on me heavily for companionship when I was young, and expected me to put her first before anyone else. I believe this ruined my relatonship with my ex-fiance. I can expand on more background if asked, but basically my mother and I were enmeshed beyond a healthy mother-daughter relationship. I went to therapy around 2009 (for depression and anxiety) for about three years, and I began establishing boundaries with her because I did not like how she expected me to put her first when I was trying to live my own life and be an adult (I was in my late 20s then). She seemed to be trainable to an extent, and after a few incidents where I had to make my boundaries clear, she seemed to begin respecting me as an adult. Things changed when SO came into the picture, and definitely got a little weirder when I got pregnant.
As I mentioned above, MOO, grandmother and I pretty much did a lot of stuff together growing up. When my MOO would come visit me, she would ALWAYS bring my grandmother. I didn't see anything wrong with it. As my grandmother got older, she began having problems walking. Then she began having problems with her memory. Then she began (this is the best way I can explain it) almost reverting back into a child, mentally. And yet during this time, my MOO still would bring my grandmother along on a 5-hour car drive whenever she came to visit. MOO wanted to stay for a week or so after LO was born to help, but she brought grandmother along as well, even after I told her that if she came I wanted it to be her alone. The day LO was born, MOO was at the hospital as a waiting room warrior for hours. LO was born around 9am, and she stayed at the hospital with me and SO until late that night. During that time, she didn't bother checking in with grandmother. The day we got home from the hospital is another story, but I think this is getting too long.
Now, my grandmother just got out of another stint in the hospital, and she pretty much can't get out of bed anymore. And here is where my issue begins. MOO wants to come and visit, and of course wants to bring grandmother. SO and I have talked about this, and although he loves MOO's company he doesn't feel comfortable when grandmother is here because a) they stay in my LO's room and (I feel so awful for saying this) it takes about a week or two to get the stench of bodily fluids out of the room, b) he is afraid something will happen to grandmother healthwise while she is here and we would be responsible (based on a past medical event that happened when they were visiting), and c) MOO and grandmother get into screaming fights which makes us very uncomfortable. She misses LO and wants to visit badly, but she is not able to come without grandmother. MOO used to have a nurse that could take care of grandmother when MOO wanted to leave out of town, but the nurse is now refusing to take care of her.
I've been shutting down her visits, but I have such a hard time telling her the full truth as to why. I have told her that it is not smart to put grandmother through a 5 hour drive. I told her that she can't walk anymore, and it is not in grandmother's best interest to bring her all the way up here, only for her to be in bed and in pain during the whole visit. She responds by saying "she can handle it" or "she hasn't complained" or "well I cant go without her so I have to take her". She just doesn't GET it. And, of course MOO being MOO, she pouts, gets upset, and hurries to hang up because she is pissed ("ugh okay fine I wont go bye" *click*).
We had this conversation again this morning. LO has been sick, and I was calling her to get some advice. At the end of the call, she said she could come up to visit and help me with LO. I asked about grandmother and she said she would bring her. And the only thing I could tell her was "MOO, you don't seem to understand. She can't make the trip. She just can't come." So she got upset and said "Oh, okay so she CAN'T come? Alright Cara, she can't come. Thanks. Talk to you later." and we hung up.
1. I don't know how to get it through MOO's thick head that visiting with grandmother is just not good for grandmother. I feel it is very selfish of her to drag grandmother along, knowing she is ailing and she is not happy when she is at my house. I don't know how to get my point across without sounding insensitive and uncompassionate - and in turn, using that to talk shit to my extended FOO about me.
2. I feel guilty when MOO gets upset because "I won't let her come if granny can't come". I do feel horrible, but I know that it is in the best interest for MY family and my grandmother. I begin doubting myself, so I'd like to know - am I being unreasonable?
I just restarted therapy to sharpen my anti-anxiety tools, as it has worsened since LO was born. Sorry for the novel. I can elaborate or give more details if asked in the comments. Thanks DWIL!