BG: I grew up in (what I thought was) a very supportive and caring family. That changed when I met DH, of whom my parents did not approve. They did and said so many hurtful things, and were so negative during our engagement and wedding that I can’t think back on our wedding day without pain. Because of that we didn’t talk for almost a year after our marriage, but things have gotten better since then. (Not great, but better.) I have never been a confrontational person and was never allowed to disagree with my parents when young. I honestly never had a reason to disagree with them until they started getting in the way of my relationship with DH. Because of DWIL I have just recently accepted that my parents are toxic. Up until now, I always thought that I was the problem .
I don’t have the shiniest spine, but I am getting better on not letting them walk all over me. DWIL has helped me a lot with that. DH is extremely supportive and has a spine of steel. He is amazing!
My current issue: I had a beautiful baby girl two months ago and (surprise) the crazy has returned. There were minor boundary stomps that DH and I took care of at the beginning of my pregnancy, but the thing that really caused trouble was when I said I didn’t want visitors at the hospital. My dad called when I was 39 weeks to badger me (to the point where I was in tears) because “it’s just not normal.†When I said he needed to respect our decision, he said, “Well, I don’t respect it.†We didn’t tell them when I went into labor (at my doula’s suggestion, as I was already under a lot of stress), which they told me I had to do “so they could pray for me.†Then once DD was born, my mom called DH while we were at the hospital to say how hurtful we were being and that we should reconsider. He told her our answer was the same, and that she could come visit once we were home in a few days.
Since then, they have been very cold. My mom refuses to talk to my DH or make eye contact, and they were so cold when they came to meet DD that I took her to my room and cried for an hour. (PP hormones have been rough.) We live several hours away, but have been to their town several times to visit my grandma, who has not been feeling well. I have told them about each visit, but they have had excuses not to come each time. My mom told me that she’s not having the grandparent experience that she thought she would have, but what does she expect when she won’t come to visit or see us when we’re in town?
My question is that the holidays are coming, and I’m wondering how to navigate them. I told DH I am considering not going since my mom ignores him, but he knows how important my grandma is to me, and he wants me to see her. He says my mom is childish, but it doesn’t hurt his feelings, and that he wants to see my grandma, too. I honestly would rather not see them, but they’re the portal to seeing her, since she’s living with them until she feels better. Also, I have two younger siblings at home that I still have a close relationship with that I would love to see. So, DWIL, what do we do? Go and ignore their behavior? Say something? Not see them at all? Although I wish they cared more about DD and it hurts that they put their own petty needs above seeing her, I don’t care about giving them their “grandparent experience.†It’s really about dealing with them so I can see the rest of my family.
These are the highlights, so I can provide more information if needed. Thank you so much!!