Please help me find the right words and shiny up my spine on this situation. My normal meter is screaming no!
My husband does not have a relationship with his parents due to years of boundary stomps, lawn tantrums, and the whole nine yards. You know, the usual crazy that DWIL understands. This particular issue is about his brother though.
DH has a very thin relationship with his brother to the point where I would say he basically has no relationship at all. Other than a call on birthdays (sometimes) and receive calls about things going on his brothers life, maybe a handful of times. DH does not initiate any real relationship with BIL other than that and mostly does not even return phone calls to his brother.
Now BIL has had a child and wants to "stop by" unexpectedly because he is in the area to introduce the baby. This is a sore spot with me and one of the reasons why my DH has no relationship with his parents - unexpected visits. We have not seen this person in 5 years and he has made zero effort to acknowledge our children or family in those 5 years. I guess you can say he's my BEC and I'm not impressed with BIL or my husband's behavior towards him. Not my relationship, not my problem, right? But if you come to my house, it's a then problem for me.
Now that BIL has a child I feel like he wants to insert himself into our life. I'm leery of this because I don't feel he is a safe person as he is now the golden child because my husband stepped out of that role and BIL is still close to my in-laws. I really have no interest in his life and child and from what I've experienced the feeling is mutual. I worried about protecting our children's privacy (as in him sending photos or info) to my in-laws. We have zero relationship with the in-laws, btw.
Please help me shine my spine and put my foot down. I expressed to DH that I would need to see him actually have a real relationship with his brother that includes healthy boundaries that are respected (like no photos) before he is invited in our home. Is that too much to ask? I know it's not but why am I questioning myself? Unicorn be gone!
It seems selfish to me to invite yourself over to someone's home when there is really no relationship there. Especially since there is estrangement in the family and a history of boundary stomps. My DH has not called, congratulated, or sent a gift since his brother became a father this past summer. It seems strange to me but that's how they are.
I get anxious thinking we are going to open the door to a potential crazy train that I have already dropped the rope on years ago. How would you feel in this situation? I do want to encourage my DH to have a relationship with his brother (or anyone) on healthy terms but I have yet to see this in this family and my DH is pretty avoidant. What do you think?
