Hello, I fortunately got sent over here from another group, went anonymous.
I really need some advice on my ILs and what I can do. My DH does agree with me on most things, some of my issues with the ILs he thinks are small, but always agrees with me on the big stuff. We do counseling regularly and our relationship is strong. He has put his family on TO a few times, I have put my family on TO once, pre-baby, and they havent caused a problem since. His family though, keeps rocking the boat.
I think theyre really manipulative, he thinks they "dont think of stuff like that". Some of it could be small potatoes, or it could be that they are my BEC, Im not sure, tell me what you think.
Anyway, heres some BG of what theyve been doing that I feel is boundary stomping:
When I was pregnant, the ILs constantly expected to be in the delivery room, babysit, be super involved. They are all real close and have lived with eachother a lot, GMIL with MIL when DH and siblings were young, and BIL and SIL as adults have lived with MIL and GMIL before too. (We havent though and would NEVER) But anyway, I guess thats part of why they expected to be real involved with DS.
We ended up not having them there, thank goodness. But then PP they were visiting a lot.
They always did that notorious DWIL crap of walking away with DS, or trying to turn him where he couldnt see me. It caused me to constantly babywear, or be off BF.
One time GMIL had come to help with the house and kept mentioning where my rug was located in living room. I told her I like it where it is, dont move it. (it was centered around the couch set, but she felt it should be centered with the wall which made a corner of it extend over to the tile way, which would drive me nuts) While DS and I were asleep (DH at work) She had BIL and her move it! I flipped out and was so upset!
Im a bit OCD so I couldnt live with it for any amount of time, so I moved it back as best I could and I ended up causing myself a lot of pain as my body wasnt ready for that level of physical activity.
DH was furious over it and TO both of them.
Once when we went to visit my MIL at her house, she said she would watch the baby in the morning after I nursed him so DH and I could sleep, we agreed, but I couldnt sleep so I went through the house to find them. MIL had taken DS to her bedroom and was laying in bed with him. I was really shocked and surprised and grabbed him and went to DH. She followed saying she didnt know it would upset us. DH packed us up and had us leave, and yelled at her for having DS in her bed (i guess he thought she was going to go back to sleep andcosleep with DS). She ran to her room crying and wouldnt come out or apologize.
GMIL was out of TO by then and had bugged us to make nice with MIL, we refused. It got rugswept (regrettably).
Then SIL watched DS for half an hour while DH and I went to the store in a blizzard, and said when she went to change his diaper that DS pooed and it somehow flew into her face. (Weird I know) But I didnt believe her and DH said "why the fuck was your face so close to his butt?!" And asked her to leave.
Theres been a few other incidents.
But after each of these, the respective ILs got TO and then when TO was ended, they dont get alone time with DS, and are on LC, we dont see them but a few times a year for half day or so.
However, on social media, they all act like they see him all the time, and it really rubs me wrong. DH doesnt have social media and hates it so he refuses to even discuss it. I have since blocked them all but am sure they still do it. Is this something that should even bother me? If so what can I do about it?
And after the above incidents, and a few others, theyve tried for the most part to be all "what (OP & DH) say goes" but Ive lost a lot of trust. How long before it would be apropriate to ease up on the LC? I think theyre kind of my BECs, and I dont want to be irrational. I never said here are the boundary lines, never do XYZ, except in specific situations as it comes, should I correct that? In general I think theyre manipulative and lie a lot, and as Ive said all the big incidents that occured in our face, DH dealt with swiftly, but the littler things like the debil stuff, he isnt so concerned with. Should I push for that? Or what can I do?
Thanks for the advice!
I really need some advice on my ILs and what I can do. My DH does agree with me on most things, some of my issues with the ILs he thinks are small, but always agrees with me on the big stuff. We do counseling regularly and our relationship is strong. He has put his family on TO a few times, I have put my family on TO once, pre-baby, and they havent caused a problem since. His family though, keeps rocking the boat.
I think theyre really manipulative, he thinks they "dont think of stuff like that". Some of it could be small potatoes, or it could be that they are my BEC, Im not sure, tell me what you think.
Anyway, heres some BG of what theyve been doing that I feel is boundary stomping:
When I was pregnant, the ILs constantly expected to be in the delivery room, babysit, be super involved. They are all real close and have lived with eachother a lot, GMIL with MIL when DH and siblings were young, and BIL and SIL as adults have lived with MIL and GMIL before too. (We havent though and would NEVER) But anyway, I guess thats part of why they expected to be real involved with DS.
We ended up not having them there, thank goodness. But then PP they were visiting a lot.
They always did that notorious DWIL crap of walking away with DS, or trying to turn him where he couldnt see me. It caused me to constantly babywear, or be off BF.
One time GMIL had come to help with the house and kept mentioning where my rug was located in living room. I told her I like it where it is, dont move it. (it was centered around the couch set, but she felt it should be centered with the wall which made a corner of it extend over to the tile way, which would drive me nuts) While DS and I were asleep (DH at work) She had BIL and her move it! I flipped out and was so upset!
Im a bit OCD so I couldnt live with it for any amount of time, so I moved it back as best I could and I ended up causing myself a lot of pain as my body wasnt ready for that level of physical activity.
DH was furious over it and TO both of them.
Once when we went to visit my MIL at her house, she said she would watch the baby in the morning after I nursed him so DH and I could sleep, we agreed, but I couldnt sleep so I went through the house to find them. MIL had taken DS to her bedroom and was laying in bed with him. I was really shocked and surprised and grabbed him and went to DH. She followed saying she didnt know it would upset us. DH packed us up and had us leave, and yelled at her for having DS in her bed (i guess he thought she was going to go back to sleep andcosleep with DS). She ran to her room crying and wouldnt come out or apologize.
GMIL was out of TO by then and had bugged us to make nice with MIL, we refused. It got rugswept (regrettably).
Then SIL watched DS for half an hour while DH and I went to the store in a blizzard, and said when she went to change his diaper that DS pooed and it somehow flew into her face. (Weird I know) But I didnt believe her and DH said "why the fuck was your face so close to his butt?!" And asked her to leave.
Theres been a few other incidents.
But after each of these, the respective ILs got TO and then when TO was ended, they dont get alone time with DS, and are on LC, we dont see them but a few times a year for half day or so.
However, on social media, they all act like they see him all the time, and it really rubs me wrong. DH doesnt have social media and hates it so he refuses to even discuss it. I have since blocked them all but am sure they still do it. Is this something that should even bother me? If so what can I do about it?
And after the above incidents, and a few others, theyve tried for the most part to be all "what (OP & DH) say goes" but Ive lost a lot of trust. How long before it would be apropriate to ease up on the LC? I think theyre kind of my BECs, and I dont want to be irrational. I never said here are the boundary lines, never do XYZ, except in specific situations as it comes, should I correct that? In general I think theyre manipulative and lie a lot, and as Ive said all the big incidents that occured in our face, DH dealt with swiftly, but the littler things like the debil stuff, he isnt so concerned with. Should I push for that? Or what can I do?
Thanks for the advice!