I have been lurking here for a little while and would love some advice but am not good at putting my thoughts into words so please bear with me.
I want to CO my OBro (3 yrs older) and his family but I am at a loss to how to implement this.
BG: ---*** TRIGGER ***---
OBro was abusive to me growing up ... emotionally, verbally, slightly physically. He also molested me for several years. I never told my parents about the molestation while I lived at home because they were never successful in shutting down the other abuse. I did not trust them to be able to do anything about the molestation. I was also afraid that telling anyone would tear my family apart and make us that family that everyone would talk about.
Everything that I had stuffed and hidden started to bubble up while I was in college. I confided in a few college friends. I ended up seeking counselling and telling my parents about the molestation. I don't think that they ever really did anything about it. I went to counselling until my insurance ran out. The counselor was actually a dud and I ended up just rug sweeping for the most part and trying to keep the family peace while trying to protect myself. Nope, I was never successful.
I avoided coming home if my OBro was going to be there. Obro eventually got married. I struggled as to if I should tell OSIL what kind of guy she was marring but just could not expose myself. I was afraid of my family falling apart. OBro ended up having 3 kids and I have continued to struggle with telling SIL or confronting OBro. I honestly do not know if he has or would ever molest anyone else but he is a controlling and manipulative jerk.
When I met my husband a few years later, he wanted to tear OBro apart when I told him. I talked him down from doing much of anything. I now wish that I had not. DH only did what I asked because he did not want to cause me any more pain. I already had OBro on LC. DH made sure that I was never alone with OBro. When we had our kids, we had very strict rules that they would never be around OBro without one of us. My parents know that OBro and his family are never around my kids without us there and have not fought us on it but I am not confident that they still see it as a safety issue but they comply.
I have never told my YBro. He knows that OBro and I have no real relationship and very limited contact but I am fairly sure he has no idea as to why. I have wanted to tell him so many times especially for the safety of YBro's kids but don't want to put myself out there like that. YBro has always been the kid who has it all together. He was able to stand up to OBro and/or he was not treated the same as I was by OBro. YBro is always trying to keep the family connected and be a great uncle and "role model" for OBro's kids.
I just want all of the lies and fake family stuff to stop. I rarely see my OBro or have contact with him but I want it all to stop. I do not want him to know about when our baby is born, I do not want to hear about him or his family from my parents or YBro, I do not want to see him at any holidays, I do not want to go on any extended family vacations with him or his family, or to have anything to ever do with him ever again.
My problem is how do I cut off OBro? I am fine with not speaking to him and leaving it to him to figure it out or not (if asked he probably does not think that he has done anything wrong to me!).
I am not sure what to say to my parents or to my YBro for this to be a true CO. My mom sees it as her job to keep all of the siblings updated on what everyone is doing. My YBro sees it as his job to plan extended family vacations so that we all can keep in touch and the cousins can have a relationship. My unicorn for my parents is slowly dying. They are not in your face boundary stompers or obviously abusive parents but their inaction, rug sweeping and trying to keep the peace has hurt me and left me with a very broken normal meter.
With each passing year, I have seen that I cannot keep my kids safe around my OBro while he remains unexposed. My kids have to know the truth ... that OBro is a "tricky" person as PlumBlossomm put it in a reply in an older post. We can no longer attend any events or have any kind of communications with OBro or his family. I really do not see this happening without something eventually being said to parents or YBro.
Please help!! What is the best way to CO OBro? What should I say to my parents and my YBro? I am a terrible at JADEing. Ahug!!
Please know that I have limited time on the computer because I have kids old enough that can wander by and read. I promise that I will be back and really appreciate what you have to say even if it is difficult to hear and takes a while to process.