DH's youngest sister is 22 years younger than him. Their father died many years ago and DH has been more of a father figure to her. She is a narcissist of the highest order. She is also self-destructive though. In the 3 years I've known her, she has burnt every single bridge in their family. Lying, stealing from her grandma, stealing from her mom, stealing from her nieces and nephews (not my children, OSIL's children), she has been in 5 different rehab programs, hospitalized for heroin overdoses, I could go on and on.
DH and I agreed last summer that she was not allowed at our house until she has been sober and "doing well" for at least 1 year. Since then, she has gone on 1 more bender and nearly died (DH visited her once in the hospital), and she has been sober but dealing drugs since then. She recently moved and is SUPPOSEDLY "doing well"... for about 3 weeks.
Last night, DH informs me that she is coming over to the house this morning so they can go out for breakfast. I collected my thoughts and explained to him that we had agreed she isn't allowed near our babies, and that I am not interested in going back on that. He went into a huge sob story about how she will do so much better if she is around good people, and how she needs to feel loved or she will just give up. Also that she already planned on coming and she would feel so horrible to have it cancelled now. I felt terrible. I don't want her to be such a disaster, I want her to get better too. So I asked what the exact plan was. She was being dropped off here, saying hi and then going to breakfast. Then he was driving her straight home.
Today, he starts telling me that his friend is stopping by later this morning. I tried to ask when, and when he'll be back from taking YSIL home but he kept avoiding the question. Life is chaotic with 2 babies but I kept asking, "what's the plan? I need to know what's going on so I can plan the day." No clear answer.
YSIL gets here, she visits for a little bit before they go to breakfast. As they're leaving, DH says to me IN FRONT OF YSIL, "I'm giving SIL $100, ok?" So my options are, say no and be the bitch or say "ok" and be the doormat. I chose option 2. I'm so mad at myself, but I really don't want to be the bad guy here. It's not fair to me.
As their leaving, I hear DH say that DSD will drive YSIL home later. Ummmm DSD isn't home and won't be home for hours. So that means YSIL is hanging out at my house all day, getting comfortable here. Which is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I feel disrespected. I feel played. I feel like I want to take my babies and leave but then I'm being driven out of my house.
YSIL has never done anything overtly mean to my babies. She once left a bag of heroin on the floor at my MIL's house, where my then 1 year old had been playing. We didn't find it, it was found hours later by the dog. It could've been extremely dangerous but because nothing actually happened, DH didn't really react.
Everyone enables this girl. If I take a stand, I'll just be the bitch. My primary goal is to keep my kids safe. DH doesn't see YSIL as a threat right now because he believes she is "doing well." I realize I have a DuH problem, but he just plays dumb or acts so stressed out that he can't deal with even discussing it. Also, he pulls the incredibly asshole move of calling me out in front of her. Like, if I say anything right now (when they come back from breakfast), he'll say "Let's go YSIL, Lila wants you to leave."
As I'm writing this, I am so tempted to delete it all because DH sounds so horrible... but I really do want advice from people who have felt like they're being forced to make room for faaamily, even when that family is a complete disaster that you don't want around your children.
The fact that she's here today is a huge step in the wrong direction. It opens the door to a relationship that I don't want. And I was played to make it happen. How do I go back now?? Keep in mind, if I communicate with her directly she will tell me to go fuck myself and then ignore me and talk to her brother instead. That hasn't happened yet because I've been careful to keep a friendly relationship with her. That is how she treated my husband's exes though.
Thank you to anyone who read all of this. I feel like I have to say, I don't dislike her. She could be a great person. But she continuously makes horrible choices and surrounds herself with horrible people. I know that sounds harsh, but there it is.
DH and I agreed last summer that she was not allowed at our house until she has been sober and "doing well" for at least 1 year. Since then, she has gone on 1 more bender and nearly died (DH visited her once in the hospital), and she has been sober but dealing drugs since then. She recently moved and is SUPPOSEDLY "doing well"... for about 3 weeks.
Last night, DH informs me that she is coming over to the house this morning so they can go out for breakfast. I collected my thoughts and explained to him that we had agreed she isn't allowed near our babies, and that I am not interested in going back on that. He went into a huge sob story about how she will do so much better if she is around good people, and how she needs to feel loved or she will just give up. Also that she already planned on coming and she would feel so horrible to have it cancelled now. I felt terrible. I don't want her to be such a disaster, I want her to get better too. So I asked what the exact plan was. She was being dropped off here, saying hi and then going to breakfast. Then he was driving her straight home.
Today, he starts telling me that his friend is stopping by later this morning. I tried to ask when, and when he'll be back from taking YSIL home but he kept avoiding the question. Life is chaotic with 2 babies but I kept asking, "what's the plan? I need to know what's going on so I can plan the day." No clear answer.
YSIL gets here, she visits for a little bit before they go to breakfast. As they're leaving, DH says to me IN FRONT OF YSIL, "I'm giving SIL $100, ok?" So my options are, say no and be the bitch or say "ok" and be the doormat. I chose option 2. I'm so mad at myself, but I really don't want to be the bad guy here. It's not fair to me.
As their leaving, I hear DH say that DSD will drive YSIL home later. Ummmm DSD isn't home and won't be home for hours. So that means YSIL is hanging out at my house all day, getting comfortable here. Which is exactly what I wanted to avoid. I feel disrespected. I feel played. I feel like I want to take my babies and leave but then I'm being driven out of my house.
YSIL has never done anything overtly mean to my babies. She once left a bag of heroin on the floor at my MIL's house, where my then 1 year old had been playing. We didn't find it, it was found hours later by the dog. It could've been extremely dangerous but because nothing actually happened, DH didn't really react.
Everyone enables this girl. If I take a stand, I'll just be the bitch. My primary goal is to keep my kids safe. DH doesn't see YSIL as a threat right now because he believes she is "doing well." I realize I have a DuH problem, but he just plays dumb or acts so stressed out that he can't deal with even discussing it. Also, he pulls the incredibly asshole move of calling me out in front of her. Like, if I say anything right now (when they come back from breakfast), he'll say "Let's go YSIL, Lila wants you to leave."
As I'm writing this, I am so tempted to delete it all because DH sounds so horrible... but I really do want advice from people who have felt like they're being forced to make room for faaamily, even when that family is a complete disaster that you don't want around your children.
The fact that she's here today is a huge step in the wrong direction. It opens the door to a relationship that I don't want. And I was played to make it happen. How do I go back now?? Keep in mind, if I communicate with her directly she will tell me to go fuck myself and then ignore me and talk to her brother instead. That hasn't happened yet because I've been careful to keep a friendly relationship with her. That is how she treated my husband's exes though.
Thank you to anyone who read all of this. I feel like I have to say, I don't dislike her. She could be a great person. But she continuously makes horrible choices and surrounds herself with horrible people. I know that sounds harsh, but there it is.