BG: http://community.babycenter.com/post/a57666928/is_this_just_bec_or_something_else..._update?cpg=2
So a while ago, (July 1st) MIL and FIL came over unnanounced. DH sent them packing.
Emails from MIL followed: about how 'disheartened' she was at 'being turned away by her own son' and how 'ascerbic' he was. and of course 'sorry I dropped by unnanounced, it won't happen again, which I guess justifies your behaviour' So in her own P/A. way she got the message... So we thought.
Later that evening Dumbass sack-less FIL calls DH on the phone begging DH to be more 'accomodating' because 'mom still sees you guys as the kids etc' DH says no, shuts him down.
On Friday Mid July, MIL wrote an email to DH inviting us to her house for a visit that weekend. I sensed that this was an ambush to bring up the situation because it was too soon and obviously she would still be sour about it and I was still quite pissed off myself, so I didnt want to go. I told DH that I'd be ok going in August. He replied to her saying, 'DW isn't available until August but I'm able to drop by tommorow? MIL responds saying that she would rather wait until August. I found that fishy, because why wouldn't she want to see her son without me... (This isn't ILs have declined a visit with DH alone. Last time it was after we bought our house, and they wanted a visit with both of us... during that visit they expressed how 'disconnected' they felt about not being included in our house hunt. All they got from me was a blank stare.) This time I want to say something when they try to lay the guilt trip on.
We will be visiting them This weekend.
I feel that during the visit at some point, (when DH is out of the room), she will bring up the 'turning away/shunning' and do some sob story about how she was so rejected, hurt, betrayed...something about turning herself into a victim who I might be triggered to rescue. She's super dramatic and I dont know how to handle her.
***trigger***
I was abused by my father in the past, and I have a hard time saying no and not absorbing other people's problems and trying to make them feel better...even if it costs me my happiness. I'm in therapy for this and learning how to establish emotional boundaries, but I am still fairly new.
***end trigger***
I feel that she knows that she can't cross DH boundaries so she's going to attempt to cross mine by approaching me as a helpless victim. (I've been very soft spoken in the past, but I'm looking at this as a chance to work on that.)I have no intention of buying into her bullshit victim act. But I really want to know what to SAY.
I'm not yet a pro at articulating my words in person on the spot when I am feeling the need to 'fix/hep', so I want to practise so I don't freeze.
Here are the ideas I want to get across to her:
1) This is our house, our rules.
2) I don't want to have this conversation with you.
3) I agree with my husband.
I feel very cold saying these things, but they feel right at the same time. I'm looking for better ways of wording this sort of thing.
( Of course I'm not pyschic so she might have gotten over it by now... but my instincts tell me that she will try at least ONE more time to see if there are any loopholes in our marriage for her to wriggle in. Divide and conquor isn't possible of course, but I DO NOT want to give her an ounce of sympathy, even if she starts crying. )
How can I respond if she starts to do the emotional/ guilty-trippy thing?