I am so fed up with my partner. I am so fed up with ME. I am having such a hard time right now. I know this should go on the relationship board.. but I don't "know" them. I have been lurking/posting here for 3 years now. (newish s/n) ... I guess this is a combination of family issues and relationship issues. ugh. I feel like my life is fucked up. I want to hit pause for a year or two and take time to figure me out and I just can't do that. I am in therapy have been for about 1.5 -2 years. We did couples therapy.. then he stopped and won't go back. SO says he will do individual therapy, but he never actually follows through. my SO is emotionally unavailable.. as was my father growing up. I don't think I have really thought about my life growing up as much as I have recently now that I have a child. I have been reading the book Toxic Parents and coming to realizations about my family. .. well let's talk about that first..
My first issue: reading Toxic Parents and also lurking here has made me aware that I grew up in an abusive household. I also have an alcoholic father(who was emotionally absent) and an emotionally abusive, manipulative mother. I want to CO but don't know how to do it. I am still enmeshed according to the book Toxic Parents (I guess I already knew this) While I don't spend more than 1 or 2 visits a year with my mother (less with father because I only see him when I visit their house.) I have no contact with my father except for a conversation every 6 months or longer. Or when I visit them in Florida. I used to talk to my mother several time a week and text about daily. I cut that out with a slow fade about a year ago. It has taken a lot to be at the point we only talk once ever week or two weeks. And text only a few times in between that.
Growing up my mother yelled at us and called us names all the time. She allowed my brother to abuse me (I have ELC with brother. We don't talk much and don't visit but once a year or every other year) My brother called me every name known growing up. He constantly made fun of me for being "fat". I was never fat! But I didn't realize that until recently. I felt with anorexia in high school. (however no one took me seriously and said it was a phase I would outgrow) He called me ugly so much that I still think I am ugly most days. (however, I am not ugly by any means. Not perfect or drop dead gorgeous, but still not ugly) My brother also called me stupid and made it clear I was never as smart as he would be. (it took looking at my old test scores which where all in the 80th and 90th percentiles to realize that I might not have been as smart as he was, but not dumb. My mother let this all happen. Sure she "tried" to stop it. But obviously did not deal with it in a way that was effective. My mother also used to blame my brother and I as the reason my parents didn't get along. My father slept on the couch my entire childhood. They did NOT love each other. All my parents ever did was fight.
When I try to bring up the past everyone gaslights me and says I don't remember what actually happened. (oh my mom gaslights me Alllllll the time still and growing up. I have also been told my entire life I am too emotional) I think I am the scapegoat, even though my mom wants to say she has a way better relationship with me. But my brother is still the golden child.
I don't want BBC to eat this. I will edit in a second with my question and what I should do.
On my phone and it won't let me edit. I know there are a million spelling errors. I promise I will fix them when I get home. I am sitting in the car with a sleeping toddler while SO is at the dentist. (I fixed them and put both posts together.)
So as I write that about my growing up, I want to add I have delt with depression and anxiety my ENTIRE life. Since I can remember. My mother never pursued mental health help for me when I was under 18. I was a cutter (been years since I have recovered.. but who lets their child cut themselves and do nothing!?! she says that she did not do anything because I would not have went to therapy. Umm I was in 7th and 8th grade.. she could have made me!) I feel that she neglected my mental health and did nothing about it. I attempted suicide several times as a teen and was required to get a clearance from a therapist to go back to school at one point. The therapist deemed I was not a threat to anyone but myself. She recommended intense therapy and that I start right away. My mother ignored the recommendation. There was also another time that I was arrested for smoking weed and was court ordered to rehab and my mother did not want to pay for it so she found a way to get me out of it because she knew my parole officer. (the rehab was because I was also doing coke and any drug I could get my hands on.)
I need to CO. I guess I am still so enmeshed and every time I ever bring any of this up I am told I don't remember it correctly. Or I am blamed that I would have never gone to rehab or therapy and that it was my fault I did not get help. I was to angry/depressed/combative to accept help. It's my fault she never made me.
Now you ask.. where was your dad in all of this? Well the family likes to say he was never involved because he worked all the time.. but really it's because he was drunk and emotionally unavailable. There was a point where he refused to talk to me for 6 months because I made him mad. I was in 6th grade and would pretend to have conversations with him. (like I would ask myself something and then respond for him.. right in front of him. How could he do this!?!?) Anyways.. I could go on and on.. honestly I never thought it was that bad but when I write this out.. It really sucked growing up. But my parents and brother pretend it wasn't that bad.
Now onto talking about my relationship with SO. my SO is emotionally unavailable. We have been having a hard time recently and this is what I think the issue is. I think I found someone just like my father. While SO does not drink, he smokes weed every day. He cannot have a conversation about anything of importance or that can be even slightly hard to have. This came to a head when dealing with his mother. I thought it was his mother.. but it's not.. it's him. He comes from a fucked up family too, but he won't recognize it. He also won't recognize that he has a lot of work.
I am ready to leave him. I have asked him to go to therapy for a long time now. He won't.. he says he will and then never follows through. He will NEVER share what he is thinking or feeling unless it's anger towards me. He does not tell me I am pretty, he doesn't hold my hand or make an effort to show affection unless it's to kiss me good-bye. I have to initiate everything. He can talk about useless shit or his favorite thing to talk about is how shitty everyone else is. He goes on about overweight people and makes fun of them. It hurts me. I tell him this. Bad he continues to do it.
I have not lined my ducks up in a row. I am idiot for not doing so. I have 2 more quarters of grad school before I graduate with my masters. I am not sure I can manage the amount of stress I already have in grad school, compounded by my anxiety in regards to school. my symptoms of anxiety got really bad after having my son. My SO's mother stomped all over my post partum time and has since been on TO after TO. However my anxiety went through the roof .. thus prompting me to get therapy and realizing that my childhood was incredibly NOT normal. It is a lot to deal with. I am not sure I can manage to cut everyone off at the same time. Right as I am about to start an intensive quarter of graduate school where I write my thesis! Then I have a 10 week practicum the following quarter. I am going to be busy. On top of applying for jobs, staying active and fit, and raising a toddler! I don't know if my mental health will allow myself to be successful. However, I am losing my mind staying here and in this relationship. Should I just wait it out until June when I can emotionally deal with everything? I know myself, if we ended the relationship mid quarter I would be upset and my coping skills are still developing with practice and therapy .. school would ultimately suffer during a breakup. This quarter is incredibly important and I need to write this paper. So.. should I CO now and leave my SO, or hold out until I graduate? I could take it in steps and CO the easiest person first (my brother ) then CO my mom and dad. Then leave SO after graduation? In the meantime getting my ducks in a row.
Edit again for wall of text...
Edit again for B/G-
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a39632584/update_pg_9_mil_pushy_..._wants_to_be_here_right_after_birth._long_sorry
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a40206331/my_breakdown
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a42378559/family_party_at_ils..._lots_of_background_and_an_update.new_update_pg_2
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a47389339/dubf_and_his_parents_coming_to_visit._ud_pg_2728