I need some perspective
Some background: I have major anxiety I mean major. Diagnosed with agoraphobia, severe anxiety, and depression. I had to be weened off my cymbalta because of horrible migraines. I have been off it for two months and just had my appointment today where they gave me another to try. I always had anxiety and depression from being in pain and not being able to do normal things. In March last year my Dh started staying home and not wanting to leave. His depression got worse and as he allowed us to not go out with people it allowed my anxiety to grow into being afraid to be around people. Then with his concussion he physically and emotionally abused me and that made me very sensitive to his comments. In June I confronted my mother as the abuser she is and c/o which my sisters took her side and are also c/o. My Little sister was my bff who I talked to when needed. That made everything worse too. Just leaving the house gives me an anxiety attack and going to my husbands work makes it worse. Ok so now what I need perspective on.
We went to Dh's work to buy a few things and pick up scripts. While there we went through a check stand with a mutual friend as the cashier. Our FSA card was declined and I told my DH in a whisper
"That's why I told you to check this morning if it was working." He repeated it so the friend could hear.
The friend said "Bro we get blamed for everything always the wife blaming the Dh."
My husband says "Ya she is always blaming me and I called yesterday not my fault this time maybe it's hers." The banter and picking on continues. When we got in the car he asked
"Why were you so quiet when we were playing around with you? You didn't laugh once, why not?
I told him "Because I wasn't picking on you or blaming you. Last night you checked the balance, but not if the card was the working. I don't like being picked on or the butt of every joke you know that. I have anxiety just talking to people that's why I said something to you very quietly. It just bothered me to be picked on and was sending me into an anxiety attack."
He grabbed my hand lovingly and seemed genuinely concerned, here is our conversation.
Dh: "I'm sorry I didn't meant to do that, but I have to walk on eggshells with you. I'm sorry for causing that we were just joking. I'm sorry you are so sensitive and I don't know how to deal with all your issues. I haven't been around screwed up thinking before. I'm sorry I hurt you, but I was just joking."
Me: "I have always had anxiety, we have been married for 7 years you know this by now!"
Dh: "You weren't always this bad. I always fuck up. I apologized even though I don't know how to not upset you. I apologized for joking I won't joke anymore with you. I know your anxiety got worse because of me, I screwed you up in sorry".
Me: "Your apology doesn't mean shit when you add 'but I was just joking, but you are so sensitive, but I am walking on eggshells' and I am not screwed up! I have always had a mental health issue, I was never able to tell you when something hurt me because I was afraid of your reaction. Recently you have showed me I can talk to you and now this reaction only sends me backwards and makes me afraid to tell you anything again. I am in need of healing, but I'm not screwed up!"
Dh: "Ok I'm sorry I fucked you up more then before"
Me: "I'm not fucked up!"
Dh: "I can't do anything right I give up, I don't know how to handle you. I give up. I won't say shit!"
And slammed the door while I was talking, because he was done with the conversation so I needed to shut up.
That was it. We didn't talk about it just acted like it didn't happen. Tell me was I in the wrong? Was he right? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I need an outsiders perspective because to me he should at least attempt to understand and not just keep blaming me for not being the same that I was 7 years ago.
Some background: I have major anxiety I mean major. Diagnosed with agoraphobia, severe anxiety, and depression. I had to be weened off my cymbalta because of horrible migraines. I have been off it for two months and just had my appointment today where they gave me another to try. I always had anxiety and depression from being in pain and not being able to do normal things. In March last year my Dh started staying home and not wanting to leave. His depression got worse and as he allowed us to not go out with people it allowed my anxiety to grow into being afraid to be around people. Then with his concussion he physically and emotionally abused me and that made me very sensitive to his comments. In June I confronted my mother as the abuser she is and c/o which my sisters took her side and are also c/o. My Little sister was my bff who I talked to when needed. That made everything worse too. Just leaving the house gives me an anxiety attack and going to my husbands work makes it worse. Ok so now what I need perspective on.
We went to Dh's work to buy a few things and pick up scripts. While there we went through a check stand with a mutual friend as the cashier. Our FSA card was declined and I told my DH in a whisper
"That's why I told you to check this morning if it was working." He repeated it so the friend could hear.
The friend said "Bro we get blamed for everything always the wife blaming the Dh."
My husband says "Ya she is always blaming me and I called yesterday not my fault this time maybe it's hers." The banter and picking on continues. When we got in the car he asked
"Why were you so quiet when we were playing around with you? You didn't laugh once, why not?
I told him "Because I wasn't picking on you or blaming you. Last night you checked the balance, but not if the card was the working. I don't like being picked on or the butt of every joke you know that. I have anxiety just talking to people that's why I said something to you very quietly. It just bothered me to be picked on and was sending me into an anxiety attack."
He grabbed my hand lovingly and seemed genuinely concerned, here is our conversation.
Dh: "I'm sorry I didn't meant to do that, but I have to walk on eggshells with you. I'm sorry for causing that we were just joking. I'm sorry you are so sensitive and I don't know how to deal with all your issues. I haven't been around screwed up thinking before. I'm sorry I hurt you, but I was just joking."
Me: "I have always had anxiety, we have been married for 7 years you know this by now!"
Dh: "You weren't always this bad. I always fuck up. I apologized even though I don't know how to not upset you. I apologized for joking I won't joke anymore with you. I know your anxiety got worse because of me, I screwed you up in sorry".
Me: "Your apology doesn't mean shit when you add 'but I was just joking, but you are so sensitive, but I am walking on eggshells' and I am not screwed up! I have always had a mental health issue, I was never able to tell you when something hurt me because I was afraid of your reaction. Recently you have showed me I can talk to you and now this reaction only sends me backwards and makes me afraid to tell you anything again. I am in need of healing, but I'm not screwed up!"
Dh: "Ok I'm sorry I fucked you up more then before"
Me: "I'm not fucked up!"
Dh: "I can't do anything right I give up, I don't know how to handle you. I give up. I won't say shit!"
And slammed the door while I was talking, because he was done with the conversation so I needed to shut up.
That was it. We didn't talk about it just acted like it didn't happen. Tell me was I in the wrong? Was he right? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? I need an outsiders perspective because to me he should at least attempt to understand and not just keep blaming me for not being the same that I was 7 years ago.
