Esteemed DWILers, I'm quite hooked on this forum and have learned a lot since I have started reading a few weeks ago. Things have been brewing in my head regarding my mother and her vague plans to relocate to the US.
DH and I are in our 40s, both with good jobs, and we have a 7-y-o girl and a 7-week old little boy. My FOO's been cut off long ago, and my Mom is on a somewhat limited contact: bi-weekly skype (more often now since the baby's been born) and a visit here once a year. She's 60, lives in Sweden with her long-time boyfriend, recently retired, and works a few days a week in a downtown gift shop. She has no savings and only qualifies for a small pension once she retires - not enough to keep renting their apartment by herself, should her BF pass away (he's quite old). And, she's just not used to living alone - helpless, professional victim, hypochondriac, controlling.
Our relationship has never been good for the above reasons - I've always found myself in the emotional role of her parent, and yet she always tries to control me. Over time, I've built solid defenses, which work well when she's miles away. But when she comes, she drives me up the wall fairly quickly with her passive-aggressive antics. My exceedingly calm and polite DH can't stand her. She loves my daughter.
So here's the problem - unfortunately, a while ago I have made a promise that, should she decide to relocate here for her retirement, I would provide help as best I can, including immigration, driving lessons (she cannot drive), various paperwork etc. Reason being, it would be easier for me to look after her here than to have to fly to Sweden and organize care for her there (yes, I'm still the "responsible one"). But now, with a new baby on my hands and with all the DWIL wisdom under my belt, I realize it was a TERRIBLE idea. If she comes, she will drain our resources and destroy our marriage.
How do I broach the subject with her? I'm afraid she's come to count on me. I feel terrible about saying "sorry Mom, feel I cannot help you after all, please make your own arrangements".