Long time lurker (since 2012 off and on). I created a throw away account because my other name was created, stupidly, to be a screen name I've used since 2000 and is very easy to find. This will be long and I know I'll get told I've been a jading unicorn, but I'm ready. BGP on. I need the truth and I need some solid advice. I'm very sorry this is so long.
So very long story short, my FOO is very over enmeshed. I will give details as needed, of course, but I really need help with my mother right now. She is a narcissist, textbook manipulator. I have a 2 year old DD and a new baby on the way 
in October. My new baby has a very serious heart condition and we were not telling people right away when we found out, so my DH and I could have time to process what his diagnosis means for our family.
A little background, get your lamas ready because we are a mess! My older sister got married and 10 days later I started dating her DH's younger brother. We had a huge thing for each other from the moment we met but were not acting on it because our siblings were serious and eventually everyone noticed and basically said just go for it. So a little over 2 years later we got married. Before that my mom was already crazy, but I didn't see it? I thought she was just over caring and little controlling. (Example, my DH and I had been dating about 6 months and my mom went out and BOUGHT an engagement ring that was not even a little like me, not the point, and tried to get my DH to buy it from her to propose!!! It's a miracle this man did not run then.) After we got married, my mom would try and get details of my relationship. If I was happy. Details of our finances, ext. I started shutting down info on a lot, but allowed more than I should have. She would try and get me to make large (like $500+) purchased without consulting my DH and say I can return it later. I always refused and just said we don't operate our home that way. All family gatherings were always at my sister's home, co-hosted by her and my mother, and involved both sides of the family. I have ALWAYS dreaded these gathering, but felt so pressured to go I would. I would usually make any excuse to come late and leave early and I literally would hate it the whole time.
Once my daughter was born, the boundaries got MUCH worse from all sides. When I announced that pregnancy my sister pulled some major crazy (OUR baby and she WILL be in the delivery room because I had no choice shit, which I squashed really fast). I registered as private and didn't even tell anyone what hospital I was at over all that drama. No visitors, it was fabulous. But once I went back to work I, again stupidly, agreed to let my parents watch our DD 2 days a week (our schedules are such that's all we needed). At first they respected our boundaries. They didn't leave the house, seemed to follow her scheduled and such. But as time passed, we got them a car seat for emergencies. Then they asked if they could take her to lunch and it grew from there (see e-mail to my parents I will post in comments, it outlines enough of the boundary issued to give you a really good idea). At some point we cut them to one day a week and put DD in daycare 3 days a week (only child in the family and between their boundary issues and her not being around kids we decided that was best).
I don't know where to start on why I'm here today, but my grandfather (mom's dad) died in June and less than a week later my dad's uncle died. So my parents had a lot going on as well.
The day of my grandfather's funeral we went to lunch and my mom's family was asking innocent questions about my pregnancy, due date, boy or girl, and where I would be delivering. I felt that not answering the where would just cause more questions so I said where, which gave away to my parents that something was up as this was not a hospital on my insurance plan. (I never told them what hospitals are on my plan but they know the company my work uses and it's a well know company that doesn't use that hospital). I wasn't expecting the question and was not prepared, obviously. So after lunch my dad just said that we could tell him what was going on. He is normally NORMAL and super supportive. I told my DH I couldn't say it out loud yet, but if he wanted to explain he could and I walked away, leaving them alone. So my DH told him and at first he just said whatever you guys need and we will pray and left it at that. My DH did not specifically tell him not to tell people. This is all really not the issue, but this is how the current situation came about, so please bare with me. My dad told my sister (and lied about how much he told her) and I figured it out based on her change in behavior.
At a July 4th party my mom got my husband alone in a room (she likes to get you alone to "talk" and started asking him questions about our DS's condition. He and I hadn't discussed how to handle that, so he, being WAY too polite, answered. I happened to interrupt, having no idea what was going on and pulled him away. My mom actually tried to guilt me a little later for pulling him away from his food, yeah. When he told me later I confronted my parents, asking if they had told anyone because asking him at a party (which wasn't ours, it was a friend) showed they weren't concerned for our privacy. My dad admitted to only telling my sister that we were "high risk". I blew up, told them not to contact me and to leave me alone.
Over the following couple of weeks I got into therapy and my therapist told me that I needed a TO from them and to take my time because if I came back too soon they wouldn't see how serious I am. During this TO my parents continued to call, text and harass my husband. WTF right? They even showed up at his work at least once but he was too busy so they couldn't get to talk to him. The final straw was on 7/29 when my parents showed up a my home, completely unannounced. They did it that day because they knew I was at work and my DH was off and likely home alone or with our DD. It just so happened he had our DD in daycare so he could get some things done and was in the shower when they showed up. They rang the bell a few times, then started knocking. They left and started calling and texting, for hours! I got home while he was getting DD from daycare and heard one of the VM on the house phone, so I asked him what's been going on and he told me.
My therapist had me working on a draft of a letter to send when I was ready to end the TO and this basically pushed me to send it sooner, but with the statement at the end that I'm still not ready to talk and to leave US alone. My therapist said that when I said leave ME alone my parents saw the "letter of the law" vs. the "spirit of the law" and therefore he was fair game to harass. So yeah, major issues. Well, it had been blissful radio silence and I was thinking about reaching out later this weekend, until today. My mom texted both of us 3 times over things that could wait. My cell phone is still in her plan from 12 years ago, just never changed it. Every month she asked about transferring money, every month she gets the same answer. So I called the phone company to see about finally switching it over since I'm an authorized signer only to find I have been removed. So now she is holding my cell phone hostage, basically. And that leads me here.
HELP!!! Where do I go from here? My main issue is that our DD has never spent a night with anyone but us or my parents. I don't have anyone else I can really leave her overnight with and we have 10 weeks til baby. He will need at least a week in the NICU, best case. I figure we need childcare for at least one overnight and I have no idea what to do. I guess my unicorn thought that by delivery day we would have these boundaries worked out and it would be OK but now I'm thinking this has gone too far and a CO may be my only option for sanity. But how do I handle my DD? My DH pointed out, rightfully so, that it's not right to "fix" things just because I feel like I need them and give them power instead of really fixing it (and it's not right to use them). I don't want to use them, at all. I just don't know what to do. My DD is high needs and I'm not sure there is anyone else who can handle her overnight in a high stress situation like this.
My e-mail will be in the comments.
Edited because of symbols