Member of the board seeking guidance. I'm usually strong, but feel like my life has hit zero.
We've known for a long time that FIL is getting married. MIL lives out of state, and the only communication she's had with anyone has been Skype. She has never once come back since she left years ago. She knows all her children have married and now have their own children.
DH use to sing high praises for her and tell people she shaped him to be who he is today: respectful, faithful, and kind. Her other children say the same thing. What struck me as odd though, was that not one of them used to ask her to visit, or wanted to visit her. You praise her, but never do anything with her.
As news traveled about FIL remarrying, communication between MIL and me rose. We talked, video chat, sent each other care packages, exchanged photos, etc. at no point did DH say a word.
I'm a fancy, show off person. Not one who blabs my life to show off that I'm perfect. I mean, I love taking photos of my kids, things they do. So whenever he'll be doing something, like jazz or ballet, I share photos. I'm just a proud mom. I'll share the photos with MIL. DH had no problem.
One Skype call I said aloud for DH to hear, that MIL should visit, and stay with us. DH said no. I didn't raise the topic again. I kept at no.
MIL has come to town. She came for a visit. DH refuses to meet her. His whole behavior has changed. No sleeping, little eating, sweating, wanting to be alone. I've been to see her, drove her around town with the kids, and we went to a show together. DH didn't say a word about it.
I enjoy her company, she's respetful, and gets along with family.
A few nights back, DH wouldn't sleep. He was restless. Confused and nervous why, I asked what was the matter. No answer. Days later, we were going to a cousins house for a party. When we arrived,someone said MIL was there. DH turned around, got in the car, called me and asked I leave with him. So I did.
In a quiet moment, he told me things he never told anyone. I never knew. MIL was abusive to him and his siblings. She beat them with belts, cursed them publicly, and even told them they were going to be nothing in life. It's why he hates his mom. He grew up from it, sought counseling, and ignored her.
I feel like a DUW. I feel like I failed DH. I chose to have a relationship with MIL, while ignoring him. He told me he didn't mind me knowing her, but didn't want her near him. To ge loyal, I chose to end my relationship with MIL but didn't know how to. I didn't want to tell her I knew what she did to DH. So I decided to ignore her. It led to her calling and messaging asking what was wrong. I told her life was busy and she'll hear me when possible.
Everyone, I feel like a DUW. I have chosen to take her relationship with my kids off the table. DH doesn't mind me having a relationship with her. He's forgiven her, but can't stand her. He says what's happened between them is their business, and not mine. Wanting to find common ground and let her know I now know things, I texted her "I know what happened to DH when he was a teenager." She responded, "the past would always be a part of our family. Bad things were done. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong, but got help to deal with myself. It's why I left after my divorce because I finally owed my children the very peace and happiness they deserved. I robbed them of their innocence, and for that I'm truly sorry. If you wish to talk about it, im available. I have nothing to hide. I treasure your friendship. He's lucky to have you as a wife."
She leaves soon, and I haven't gone to see her yet.
Do I hear her out and use my big girl panties to set boundaries on future relationships OR should I drop the rope and cease all contact even though DH says he doesn't mind my communication with her?
We've known for a long time that FIL is getting married. MIL lives out of state, and the only communication she's had with anyone has been Skype. She has never once come back since she left years ago. She knows all her children have married and now have their own children.
DH use to sing high praises for her and tell people she shaped him to be who he is today: respectful, faithful, and kind. Her other children say the same thing. What struck me as odd though, was that not one of them used to ask her to visit, or wanted to visit her. You praise her, but never do anything with her.
As news traveled about FIL remarrying, communication between MIL and me rose. We talked, video chat, sent each other care packages, exchanged photos, etc. at no point did DH say a word.
I'm a fancy, show off person. Not one who blabs my life to show off that I'm perfect. I mean, I love taking photos of my kids, things they do. So whenever he'll be doing something, like jazz or ballet, I share photos. I'm just a proud mom. I'll share the photos with MIL. DH had no problem.
One Skype call I said aloud for DH to hear, that MIL should visit, and stay with us. DH said no. I didn't raise the topic again. I kept at no.
MIL has come to town. She came for a visit. DH refuses to meet her. His whole behavior has changed. No sleeping, little eating, sweating, wanting to be alone. I've been to see her, drove her around town with the kids, and we went to a show together. DH didn't say a word about it.
I enjoy her company, she's respetful, and gets along with family.
A few nights back, DH wouldn't sleep. He was restless. Confused and nervous why, I asked what was the matter. No answer. Days later, we were going to a cousins house for a party. When we arrived,someone said MIL was there. DH turned around, got in the car, called me and asked I leave with him. So I did.
In a quiet moment, he told me things he never told anyone. I never knew. MIL was abusive to him and his siblings. She beat them with belts, cursed them publicly, and even told them they were going to be nothing in life. It's why he hates his mom. He grew up from it, sought counseling, and ignored her.
I feel like a DUW. I feel like I failed DH. I chose to have a relationship with MIL, while ignoring him. He told me he didn't mind me knowing her, but didn't want her near him. To ge loyal, I chose to end my relationship with MIL but didn't know how to. I didn't want to tell her I knew what she did to DH. So I decided to ignore her. It led to her calling and messaging asking what was wrong. I told her life was busy and she'll hear me when possible.
Everyone, I feel like a DUW. I have chosen to take her relationship with my kids off the table. DH doesn't mind me having a relationship with her. He's forgiven her, but can't stand her. He says what's happened between them is their business, and not mine. Wanting to find common ground and let her know I now know things, I texted her "I know what happened to DH when he was a teenager." She responded, "the past would always be a part of our family. Bad things were done. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong, but got help to deal with myself. It's why I left after my divorce because I finally owed my children the very peace and happiness they deserved. I robbed them of their innocence, and for that I'm truly sorry. If you wish to talk about it, im available. I have nothing to hide. I treasure your friendship. He's lucky to have you as a wife."
She leaves soon, and I haven't gone to see her yet.
Do I hear her out and use my big girl panties to set boundaries on future relationships OR should I drop the rope and cease all contact even though DH says he doesn't mind my communication with her?