I never thought I'd need advice about how to handle a situation with my Mom. So, here's the deal:
My SIL wrote my mother a strongly worded email letting my Mom know that she thinks she's PA and make snarky comments that hurt her feelings. She did throw in a couple of petty jabs at my mother in the letter, but it mostly just consisted of SIL's unfiltered feelings. My mom, of course, flipped her shit and immediately called me to tell me about it. She read the letter to me, and I admit, I initially had the same reaction to the things SIL had written, (I'll get into that in a bit). However, throughout the conversation with my mom, I reflected on the fact that SIL had made many valid points and that her feelings should be validated.
Towards the end of the conversation, my mother asked me how she could possibly been seen as PA and snarky? She just couldn't see it. Well, I told her honestly what I thought. Usually I can be honest with my mom, however, this is apparantly not the case this time. This morning, my mother has now grouped me with "the assholes", ie: my BRO and SIL. She's playing the martyred victim like she usually does and is refusing to accept any kind of accountability for her actions, intended or not.
So, given that I and DH have now been deemed to be a part of the asshole group, I figured I'd better call my BRO and find out what the hell's going on and hear his side. BRO and I talked, and while I don't agree with some of the petty things SIL said to my mom, I agree she's has valid points concerning my mom's behavior. So, I hear BRO's side of things, apologize for my knee jerk reaction, and we toss around some ideas on how we as a family can solve this because frankly, no one wants a TO or CO at this point.
I just received a group email from BRO asking everyone to get out their feelings/grievances so we can work through it. I'm not sure what to do. I'm kind of in a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation I feel. I have plenty of grievances with my mother on how she handles issues. I want to point out to her that in the past 10 years, there have been 4 relationships that are either completely broken or in serious trouble and the common denominator is that they're all relationships with her. I want to point out that she invites people to be honest with her about their opinions, but when they are, she loses her mind and starts a war. She however has no problem lecturing everyone else around her about how she feels about things. She rarely takes accountability, sees herself as the victim, but expects everyone else to take responsibility for their wrongs. Translation: My mother is a hypocrite that applies one set of rules to herself and another set of rules to everyone else.
There is only one bittersweet aspect about this entire clusterfuck. Between reading posts here and her behavior this morning, it's opened my eyes to how incredibly enmeshed I am with my mother. This is something I'm definitly going to start analyzing in therapy next week. I think getting to the root of this issue for me and learning how to have a healthy non-emeshed relationship with my mom will do wonders for myself.
So the question is, do I make my grievances/feelings known (my BRO included me in the email) (I know my mother will see it as a betrayal) or take a step back and see what my parents respond with?
I can give more background about BRO/SIL and how it got to this point, my history with my Mom, the BG on the relationships referenced above, and what my Dad's role is in the whole thing as well if anyone wants to know.
I'm really at a loss here because I'm battling with the little girl inside who wants to please her mommy, but also standing up for myself and hoping that it would help my mom do some inner reflection. I do want to say that no one has ever really stood their ground with my mom when it comes to this behavior, we all just usually ignore it and move on. I know that's wrong and I'm realizing how many family functions are made tense because everyone is walking on egg shells so not to offend her or hurt her feelings. I'm sooo struggling with having major disappointment in myself for allowing myself to get to this point with her(enmeshed). But, I really have this board to thank for helping me see it....ok. I'm done rambling. Thanks for reading if you're still here. I've got my BGP on. Go.