UD 7, 11; ?-11, 15; 16; ?+ Fail 22; UD24, SS 25, 30, 31, 35, ?-37, 40
Studious lurker since i got pregnant and found BBC last August or so. Went anon cuz my username is really identifiable. The advice for various posters has already helped me in various situations, but i think I'm at the point where, when it's your own issue, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. So, if you could help me see where I'm contributing and how to work at it, I'd be greatly indebted. Have read some Sticky books -boundaries, toxic parents...
This will get long. I will try to keep bg short to stay at the [sort of] issue at hand, but can provide more bg as needed. This is primarily a DuH and me problem I think.
BG: DH and I have been together for 10 years. Dated since highschool. Got married almost 2 years ago. Have a beautiful 3 mo. old.
Ever since we started dating, the habit was to hang out at ILs house alllll the time. Because enmeshed DH. MIL had him young. They "grew up together!". I have one SIL, now heading off to college. I adore her but she does not do anything for herself. She wasn't ALLOWED to do things, go places, and just blossom. For ex., DH had to rearrange his class schedule in college on the other side of town to accommodate taking and picking up SIL from middle school because she didn't WANT to take the bus. Someone told her she was in their seat one day and she was humiliated and couldn't ride the bus anymore. And ILs had to get to work! This helps you get the family dynamic...
Now I generally like my MIL a lot and enjoy spending time with ILs...when we're not with them constantly. I can provide small noms re: MIL if asked.
We got married with some benign hijinks and about 10 mo. later, after barely beginning a stint of NTNP, I get pregnant. Cue me reading DWIL horror stories, thinking "oh crap! " and enacting boundaries, including a "once a week IL visitation policy", while pregnant to reduce expectations and pp time boundary stomps come baby arrival. I explicitly state this rule to DH. I'm am introvert and i need time to myself as it is. This applied to my FOO too, but never really needed pushed because I don't see my FOO or friends this often after all.
I've had plenty of pushback from DH since then about various boundaries but nothing like the visit rule. Many fights have ensued but guess what! My ILs haven't been as BEC for me since if I hold firm. What a concept.
But presently, we're still invited every week to go to dinner for (x) reason on days other than IL day too. He tells them he'll ask me first every time. So if i say no, I'm the meanie. But either way I'm under the bus. I know i exacerbate it by caving here and there. Working on it.
Example visit: We were just over for Sunday dinner. Sunday is the once a week IL day. But we get there and ILs just seem like we're bothering them for being there. Dragging feet about dinner (DH and I have to go pick it up/figure out out as always, so MIL can hold baby entire night and FIL can go lay down in bedroom after saying hi and seeing LO for a couple)...
On our way out LO does this super sad face. We're taken by surprise. DH goes to take LO from MIL and she says "Baaaa! Have to jump for the princess" or some nonsense implying hovering parents. LO seems ok after we hold her for a bit so we go. I'm usually ok leaving LO for a couple like this.
On our way to get food, SIL tells us MIL was bitchy all day and complained about how DH only goes over for the free food. DH looks at me, gets bugged, lets it go. I keep my mouth shut. We get back to "baby was inconsolable but is sleeping now". MIL will keep holding her though! Mentions at one point, in passing, how DH is only there for the free food TO ME with a laugh. Everyone just sits in front of the tv while MIL continues to hold LO after dinner.
We finally leave after about 2.5 hrs of this. Because boring and we have to get ready for the week. I just got back to work from maternity leave as it is.
This is how these visits typically go.
Now, regarding the free meal comment.... we always at least offer to pay for dinner on Sundays. All the time. Our cards, cash etc are often handed back to us if we're out. Or i just insist on split checks, whatever. And if we don't order out, majority of the time DH brings stuff and cooks dinner there because "he's such a good cook! ". So, not getting it...
Did i mention we had just seen them Sat evening for a wedding?
Now to yesterday: i text DH that Sundays are too hard on us and LO and we should move IL day back to Wednesdays. He says "ok...", I beandip, and that's that. After work, DH says AIL who is having a rough time (divorce, etc.) wants to cook for IL Tues (today) as a thanks for all they do and we should go over for dinner because it's for us too! I just say huh, give him a look, and beandip to avoid fight that would ensue from me explicitly saying no. Compound this with the fact that LO had a horrible time sleeping Sunday night and all day Monday and she needs a quiet night. I bring it up to DH this morning (the day of) so i make sure he's dealt with it/ ILs know ahead of time. He makes snippy comment about using LO as my excuse to say no because I guess I JADEed to him. Obviously I really just hate his family. /sarcasm.
Yeah, it hurt. And maybe he was kidding, but only kind of. I take offense and tell him that i feel disrespected every time he brings up these visits. Ask him why he didn't just ask if we might do it Wed. instead, because after all he should have already moved IL dinner day, right? A fight ensues. DH says he was gonna tell them no anyway because LO needs a break, but nooooow I'm a family hating demon who controls everything because i called him out on his sarcastic comment! He really wanted to go tonight! The rule is not fair! He was just joking but my reaction is telliing!
This is typical every time I say no.
So am i really this family hating bitch and am being unreasonable? It seems like they aren't even that into us when we're there, but they've (ok, primarily MIL) been needy about us coming over for years, the baby just adds another gigantic reason to glom on to. And football season is starting. Which means watching games with FIL because tradition! "And LO must be there! She's his DD and he should be able to take her without me so rule be damned!" How do i get through to him? Thanks in advance.
ETA put older UD #s in OP
Studious lurker since i got pregnant and found BBC last August or so. Went anon cuz my username is really identifiable. The advice for various posters has already helped me in various situations, but i think I'm at the point where, when it's your own issue, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. So, if you could help me see where I'm contributing and how to work at it, I'd be greatly indebted. Have read some Sticky books -boundaries, toxic parents...
This will get long. I will try to keep bg short to stay at the [sort of] issue at hand, but can provide more bg as needed. This is primarily a DuH and me problem I think.
BG: DH and I have been together for 10 years. Dated since highschool. Got married almost 2 years ago. Have a beautiful 3 mo. old.
Ever since we started dating, the habit was to hang out at ILs house alllll the time. Because enmeshed DH. MIL had him young. They "grew up together!". I have one SIL, now heading off to college. I adore her but she does not do anything for herself. She wasn't ALLOWED to do things, go places, and just blossom. For ex., DH had to rearrange his class schedule in college on the other side of town to accommodate taking and picking up SIL from middle school because she didn't WANT to take the bus. Someone told her she was in their seat one day and she was humiliated and couldn't ride the bus anymore. And ILs had to get to work! This helps you get the family dynamic...
Now I generally like my MIL a lot and enjoy spending time with ILs...when we're not with them constantly. I can provide small noms re: MIL if asked.
We got married with some benign hijinks and about 10 mo. later, after barely beginning a stint of NTNP, I get pregnant. Cue me reading DWIL horror stories, thinking "oh crap! " and enacting boundaries, including a "once a week IL visitation policy", while pregnant to reduce expectations and pp time boundary stomps come baby arrival. I explicitly state this rule to DH. I'm am introvert and i need time to myself as it is. This applied to my FOO too, but never really needed pushed because I don't see my FOO or friends this often after all.
I've had plenty of pushback from DH since then about various boundaries but nothing like the visit rule. Many fights have ensued but guess what! My ILs haven't been as BEC for me since if I hold firm. What a concept.
But presently, we're still invited every week to go to dinner for (x) reason on days other than IL day too. He tells them he'll ask me first every time. So if i say no, I'm the meanie. But either way I'm under the bus. I know i exacerbate it by caving here and there. Working on it.
Example visit: We were just over for Sunday dinner. Sunday is the once a week IL day. But we get there and ILs just seem like we're bothering them for being there. Dragging feet about dinner (DH and I have to go pick it up/figure out out as always, so MIL can hold baby entire night and FIL can go lay down in bedroom after saying hi and seeing LO for a couple)...
On our way out LO does this super sad face. We're taken by surprise. DH goes to take LO from MIL and she says "Baaaa! Have to jump for the princess" or some nonsense implying hovering parents. LO seems ok after we hold her for a bit so we go. I'm usually ok leaving LO for a couple like this.
On our way to get food, SIL tells us MIL was bitchy all day and complained about how DH only goes over for the free food. DH looks at me, gets bugged, lets it go. I keep my mouth shut. We get back to "baby was inconsolable but is sleeping now". MIL will keep holding her though! Mentions at one point, in passing, how DH is only there for the free food TO ME with a laugh. Everyone just sits in front of the tv while MIL continues to hold LO after dinner.
We finally leave after about 2.5 hrs of this. Because boring and we have to get ready for the week. I just got back to work from maternity leave as it is.
This is how these visits typically go.
Now, regarding the free meal comment.... we always at least offer to pay for dinner on Sundays. All the time. Our cards, cash etc are often handed back to us if we're out. Or i just insist on split checks, whatever. And if we don't order out, majority of the time DH brings stuff and cooks dinner there because "he's such a good cook! ". So, not getting it...
Did i mention we had just seen them Sat evening for a wedding?
Now to yesterday: i text DH that Sundays are too hard on us and LO and we should move IL day back to Wednesdays. He says "ok...", I beandip, and that's that. After work, DH says AIL who is having a rough time (divorce, etc.) wants to cook for IL Tues (today) as a thanks for all they do and we should go over for dinner because it's for us too! I just say huh, give him a look, and beandip to avoid fight that would ensue from me explicitly saying no. Compound this with the fact that LO had a horrible time sleeping Sunday night and all day Monday and she needs a quiet night. I bring it up to DH this morning (the day of) so i make sure he's dealt with it/ ILs know ahead of time. He makes snippy comment about using LO as my excuse to say no because I guess I JADEed to him. Obviously I really just hate his family. /sarcasm.
Yeah, it hurt. And maybe he was kidding, but only kind of. I take offense and tell him that i feel disrespected every time he brings up these visits. Ask him why he didn't just ask if we might do it Wed. instead, because after all he should have already moved IL dinner day, right? A fight ensues. DH says he was gonna tell them no anyway because LO needs a break, but nooooow I'm a family hating demon who controls everything because i called him out on his sarcastic comment! He really wanted to go tonight! The rule is not fair! He was just joking but my reaction is telliing!
This is typical every time I say no.
So am i really this family hating bitch and am being unreasonable? It seems like they aren't even that into us when we're there, but they've (ok, primarily MIL) been needy about us coming over for years, the baby just adds another gigantic reason to glom on to. And football season is starting. Which means watching games with FIL because tradition! "And LO must be there! She's his DD and he should be able to take her without me so rule be damned!" How do i get through to him? Thanks in advance.
ETA put older UD #s in OP